Tension convention

I actually just did on another thread... oh msolga's about neighbors. Can find the link later (need to skedaddle).

Still need to skedaddle but here it is anyway:

Soz, I somehow missed this thread before.
I have gotten as far as your first post ... and I am absolutely livid on your behalf! (Trying to calm down here. )
Your "helpful" neighbour was trespassing, she was way out of bounds!

Anyway, that said, I now don't have the time to read the rest of the thread, to discover what transpired. It is like one of those novels you start reading & you're just itching to discover how things will end.

So I'll be back later to finish reading.
I have some idea from the "neighbours" thread.
But I don't know if you are actually interested in continuing this discussion ?
I guess I'll find out when I'm able to read the lot.

I'm fine with continuing the discussion... it's been interesting to read back.

From my personal experience, the only way to address it is to be direct. This kind of behind-your-back people don't take hints.

Something like, "I realize that I'm not landscaping the way you do, but it's mine to do the way I want."

And chances are, they won't react well to being called on their bullshit.

But your choices are to swallow it and steam, or be direct and let them sulk.

Holy eff....

Tricked into replying to an old, old thread...

I know exactly what you know about permanent pique and vendetta mode....

Yep. This is a revived thread, lots under the bridge since the initial post.

Quick summary is:

- I confronted her, in as friendly of a manner as I could muster
- An agreement was reached that lasted a while
- We were cordial during that agreement, shading towards friendly
- She then started with the weird boundary-transgressing again just recently
- I called her on it, she was suitably apologetic
- But then she kept doing it
- E.G. called her on it and this time it seems to have stuck
- But she's apparently not talking to me
- Oh well
- Because I've learned since I started this thread that it's not really that personal, she's like this with a LOT of different people for a lot of different reasons, so I'm better able to let her pique roll off my back now.

Oh you've caught up... yeah...

Well, i've now read this thread, from 2005 up to the present. I'd say this lady is a control freak, and that she imposes on anyone who lets her get away with it. She probably once (unconsciously) thought she was in control of "your situation," and was therefore resentful when it appeared that you were "rebelling."

I grew up i a small town, and there were always a few like this around. My grandmother's response had been (in the past, and this is only what i gleaned from relations and other people in town) "Mind your own business." By the time i came along, she had few friends in the town, didn't care, and was respected in town even by those who did not like her. Since then, whenever i've lived in small towns--or small city neighborhoods for that matter--i've seen this type of person. My judgment is that you won't ever change her, and you can either confront it in a manner which will make her resent you and avoid you forever, or you can just deal with the BS as it comes up, knowing it won't ever change.

I just re-read it too, interesting to read Noddy's observation about the husbands, as it seemed to take E.G. confronting her to put a conclusive stop to things.

Well I did get an ~5 year reprieve after the conversation I had with her.

We'll see.

I think I'll probably deal with things as they come up, especially since I have far less emotion invested now. At the time I was really upset, in part because I thought it was something I incurred. Now that I know she just kind of has rays of judgment and annoyance beaming out in every direction.

I also am far more confident about my yard and what to do with it. It's a really scary and difficult yard, just inherently. The old homeowners had a team of many (6 or something, I forget) professional gardeners who would come and tend to it (at least) weekly in the summer. EXPENSIVE professional gardeners who we tried to keep on for a month or two while we adjusted to the move but couldn't afford them beyond that. I've been gradually remaking the yard and I'm now happy with it and know wtf I'm doing in a basic way.

The front and side yards look good and I can confidently say that the backyard is in much better shape than it was when the old homeowners were here -- the pro gardeners mostly dealt with the front and side yards, and the old homeowners knew about the poison ivy in the backyard and chose to let it grow and take over everything rather than dealing with it. We've spoken to the gardeners about it so we know this straight from them. The grassy area was the dog's bathroom and there was loads of poop left when we moved in. The gardeners would put in a new batch of grass seed every spring that was pretty for about two months before lack of sun and dog poop did it in.

We have extensively trimmed our trees (with professional, quality arborists) so more sun gets through, and I've carefully researched (with the help of A2K) and laid down shade-tolerant grass seed that now comes up reliably every year, crowds out weeds, and looks nice straight through the summer and into winter. We have an awesome 65-foot tree swing. The poison ivy is well and truly vanquished. I just got rid of a badly-placed and sickly redbud tree and a bunch of weedy honeysuckles and the back slope is looking better than ever (and is serving as a dandy sledding hill now that the redbud isn't right smack in the wrong spot).

So she can just kind of KMA at this point, I have fewer insecurities that she can poke at. And that really seems to be her default mode. Random example, from when we were in the cordial phase: we were chatting at about 3 PM. Sozlet gets out of school before 3. She looks at her watch and snarkily asks, "Do you know what time it is?" Confused, I say "I think so, right around 3, right?" She looks at me a minute like I'm failing to put two and two together and says, "Aren't you late to pick up [sozlet]?" I laugh and say "um, she has an after school activity today." She sniffs.

Man, that last anecdote is really the icing on the cake. I suspect she is a very unhappy woman, and it is not, of course, your job to do anything about that.

I have a neighbor like this but luckily she doesn't live on my street. She is, however, the wife of the president of the HOA. She's just super judgmental and generally superior. We have a dog that used to get out a lot as a puppy. She would grab him (because he would run to strangers but away from us) and then lecture us about how we needed to train him.

One unfortunate day last spring, as we were packing the car for our spring break trip, he got out again and she happened to be jogging by. (Background info: a few weeks before this I had a fall and messed up my knee so badly I needed surgery. I walked with an obvious limp and wore a brace on my knee. It's doubtful I could have caught the dog even without the injury but the injury made it impossible.) So she grabs the dog's collar and comes walking up the driveway with him and my two kids, who had been trying to get him. I opened my mouth to say "thank you" but before a word could come out she started berating me about how the dog was going to get killed (we live on a busy street) in front of my children. The clear message being that not only was I a bad dog owner for allowing the dog to get out, but I was also a bad parent. It took me a minute to recover from my initial posture of gratitude, but then I asked her "is this a lecture?". And she just took it up a notch then. Like your neighbor, soz, she seemed to be aiming for my insecurities. She's also older than me and I think she took that as a green light to school me. "You need to train your dog! I have three animals and I don't have this problem. Your kids are going to be scarred for life." All of this, of course, in front of my children.

She got so excited that she actually let the dog go before I had a chance to get him, so he was loose again and running in circles in the neighbor's front yard with my kids trying to catch him. Now not only was I back in the same stressful place of trying to get my loose dog, but I had this bitch shouting at me to "get my dog". So I did what I do once every blue moon and I lost my temper. I dropped the f-bomb several times which shocked her and pushed her tirade into a new lecture about the language I use in front of my children (insert shocked face). I responded that I'd rather use that language in front of my kids than take her **** in front of my kids, and told her it was time for her to walk the f on, which she eventually did, pausing every few steps to make one more comment about my unacceptable parenting/animal care only to have me repeat that she needed to "walk the f on". I managed to avoid calling her a bitch or any name, but it was very difficult to restrain myself.

I felt ashamed of myself a little for letting loose on her like that, but it soon became neighborhood legend because so many people have problems with her. She retold the story, leaving my part anonymous, as an anecdote to support her decision not to send her children to the public school. Look what kind of people send their kids to public school!

She goes out of her way to be nice to me now. I thought of her because her personality sounds so much like your neighbor.

Sorry - and I have a note on my desktop to still add to Msolga's thread on neighbors.

Yeah.

Is the husband, Mr. Forebearant, still around?

Oh! oh! roil!
I've been a lucky probably-proto-bitch by nature woman, or growing into that.
Re my neighbors over time, except for (well, over to olga's thread if I ever get going on that). I've just about never had to use my proto bitch ways. My neighbors have been sometimes neutral, sometimes pretty interesting (playboy bunny of that year), sometimes later to be friends who didn't disturb.

Except for one, who went after my husband.

Sounds like an interesting story of its own.

I really don't make a habit of getting into verbal fisticuffs with neighbors, but I didn't have any patience for her bullshit that particular morning. (Which I actually told her.) Far better to keep the peace.

Oooh that sounds SO tempting though!!! I would love to do that, and maybe I will eventually. The fact that she's right next door keeps me in check (our living room and her kitchen are maybe 15 feet apart and even when we're in our own houses we're very apparent to each other).

That's great that your neighbor is being nicer to you. Definitely makes it all the more tempting.

Osso, do you mean my neighbor's husband? Yep, he's still around. I think that as annoying as she is to many people, they're good together overall. A yin/ yang thing.

Yeah, if she lived next door I think it would have been different. Plus, I wouldn't have been exposed to her in more frequent, smaller doses which I could react to in a more controlled and planned way. Sounds like you're dealing just fine.

you need to teach your dog to crap in her yard...

Yes, I meant her husband. That's an interesting match, from here.