Your wife is telling you exactly what she needs from you and you're saying, ok, BUT... So, you're not really trying to listen to her now are you.
Let me spell this out, so you finally hear it. She does not EVER want to be around your mother. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, year, decade or millennium.
And either you're ok with that or you're not.
It seems you're not ok with that.
And that's ok too. Look, you can't force people to like each other. Your mother digs and digs and digs. To you, that's normal and acceptable. To your wife, it's like being waterboarded and then being told she'll learn, over time, to like it.
No, no she won't.
Here's the one that got me:
She got upset bc I wrote that the damage my parents did to me was unintentional and my therapist said he doesn't think they meant any harm.
I would like you to stare at that a very long time.
And then get another therapist.
Most abusers don't think they are doing harm, they just do. And you put up with it, excuse it and come back for more. The kicker part is you expect your wife to do the same and then blame HER when she clearly sees what's going on and refuses to have any part of it.
At your age, you should be able to see your parents in a new light, fallible and at times hurtful, loving and giving and stubborn and unrelenting. That's what parents are. It seems you don't want to look at them in grown up eyes, just a childish view that brings that "kumbaya" moment forever.
It's something your counselor should explore with you.
I have to ask, why should your wife be "grateful" for any of this? That's pure gaslighting and honestly, quite hurtful.
You don't want to save this marriage, do you?
If you did, why do you keep sabotaging it?