Can I save this marriage?

I consulted with my therapist and he says I need to stop reading all of your posts. He thinks you are toxic for your wife and thinks you need to cut off all communications with her so you can devote all your time to your mother. You need to devote all your time to your mother because she will be so disappointed if you live as independently as she did. I assume your mother has permission from your grandmother who obviously outranks Mommy? If not, oh dear, maybe you should tattle.

Either you told your therapist something completely different to what you’ve posted here or your therapist is an idiot.

Your mother is the controlling one.

Oh yeah, said and done... about 3 months ago!

No... no... no... NO! Do not have kids!

I know my mom is controlling. But I think my wife can be controlling at times too

Why do you think that is?

This person is a quack. Instead of trying to help you, he's giving a diagnosis on someone he's never talked to or even met. He should be examining toxic relationships with you and yes, advising you to cut ties with people who can harm you, whether that's your wife or your mother.

Again, seek out another therapist/counselor/advisor. This one is not a professional.

Bc she thinks I should drop my current therapist and get a new one. She gets upset when I don't make progress fast enough or open up to her emotionally. But this is all new to me and I don't know how. She also thinks I should cut off my mom temporarily and even my therapist said I should be able to see my mom whenever I want and that my wife is being controlling

He said I should cut ties with my mom if her behavior continues after setting firm boundaries but that doing so beforehand isn't the answer. He said he thinks my wife is controlling for wanting me to cut my mom off bc basically it should be the last resort. My wife gets upset by this but I like my current therapist. She thinks I only like him bc I'm confirmation bias and he tells me what I want to hear

My wife said she's not bringing kids into this toxic environment but I do want to have a family.

Your wife may be onto something.

Here's the thing about that though. You have been doing exactly that for years. And your mom shrugs it off and then you placate her. It's a vicious cycle. Your mom does something outrageous, you tell her to stop, she doesn't stop and you...do absolutely nothing.

The astonishing part is several of us picked up on that and your "therapist" hasn't. We're not therapists on A2K, but we can recognize when someone is being bullied. And your tormentor is your mom.

The scary part is...you are just like your mom.

And you're doing nothing about that.

You finally met up with someone who's not afraid to call you on your bullshit. Your wife recognizes the microaggressions coming from you and advises you to stop, But you don't. She tries again. But this time your wife is quite serious and puts her foot down. She is establishing healthy boundaries for herself and you think she's nuts for doing so.

I'm not sure why you continually see a therapist that sucks at the profession. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what's really going on here. You need more help from someone who knows what will make you recognize bully tactics and how to shut them down.

At this point, you have to admit your marriage is over. Not because of your mom. Or your wife. It's you. Completely and utterly you.

I really hope you do something about that.

10 to 1 says the therapist is either a poorly qualified (if at all) religious option and/or was selected by Mom.

My mom definitely didn't choose him. I found him through my insurance and yes he is a Christian therapist which my wife was worried about but I didn't think there was anything wrong with that

I made an appointment with 2 different therapists to see how they are. I just didn't know what the appropriate amount of time was before realizing a therapist isn't working for you.

She's mad at me again bc the last time I was at my parents house my mom asked me why didn't my wife just tell her she had a problem with how she was talking to her. My dad said it sounds like there was a lack of communication. When I went home I asked my wife why she didn't just stand up for herself against my mom. She got mad at me again and said I'm victim blaming, missing the point and that I just don't get it. I seem to be causing more harm than helping and that's not my intentions

One thing that made me proud of my father is that when he was facing the choice between his parents and keeping his married he selected both my mother and me over his parents and did not see them for most of the remaining years of their lives as hard as that was for him.

So who is more important to you your wife or your parents as it seem you can not have both.

Seriously??

Exactly how would you expect a new wife to stand up to a controlling mother-in-law with backing from the "family" to work out?

Even YOU won't, yet expect her to? You give your wife no support, no communication, and no way out except to take the abuse not only from your mom but you too.

Yes, you ARE victim blaming. Yes, you ARE missing the point. It doesn't matter your intentions, it's the deeds you continually let your wife down.

When, exactly, will you take ownership of YOUR inactions?

He puts me in mind of a limp noodle.