Advice about dealing with guilt

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I have no one to talk to and really need advice. Had a guy from my past message me through social media 2 months ago and we have messaged 3-4 hours a day since. We are both married. Our conversations include some sexting, some laughing and joking, some talking about our life, and just catching up. Lots of flirting, emojis, and playfulness. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous, baby, sexy and a few other flirty nicknames. One in particular that I really love and tell him often that I love when he uses it. We decided to finally meet face to face 3 days ago. We spent an hour together which included lots of touching (nothing overtly sexual), kissing, laughing, and talking. He lingered at the end but then said he really had to go. I could really tell that he genuinely enjoyed seeing me and spending time with me.

He became a little distant over the weekend and I finally asked him if everything was ok when we talked yesterday morning. He said that he felt bad about us meeting and that he had been struggling a little since. His wife had done a lot for him over the weekend for the holiday and it made him feel worse. I asked him if he needed to stop talking to me that I would understand if it made him feel too guilty. He said he did not want to stop talking to me and that he was just trying to figure out what to do about feeling bad/guilty. He responded that he was afraid if things went to far that he would feel really bad/guilty and he didn't want to hurt me if that happened.

We have talked our normal time last night and this morning (he reached out first last night and even used my favorite nickname) but I can tell he was a little distant. I'm trying to keep it light hearted and fun but I can tell he is working through all of this.

Any advice on what to do from here especially from those who have experienced the guilt phase of an affair. What should I expect? How should I handle the distance that I am sure is normal? I just don't want to push him away. I am falling for him and I think he might have feelings for me. Help please....this is painful!

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[+6] - jespah - 06/23/2020Guilt is your brain's way of telling you that you're, you know, [i]actually doing something wrong.[/i] Either quit this clear 100% express train to a sexual affair and work on your marriage, or...

@tawpsciclinic,

Guilt is your brain's way of telling you that you're, you know, actually doing something wrong.

Either quit this clear 100% express train to a sexual affair and work on your marriage, or end your marriage. You're being incredibly unfair to your husband. He's entitled to someone who's committed to him, and so is your pal's wife.

And it's really telling that he didn't feel bad until she started doing whatever for him -- as if his affection for her hinges on whether she does the wash. Consider what a prize he must be if his loyalty depends on clean socks.

Affairs are nasty, selfish, and hurtful. Your husband will find out, and so will your pal's wife. And if you have kids, they will figure out something is up, too.

You can really ruin your life. We have seen a lot of people come and go through here who really ruined their lives (sometimes through leaked texts or pictures, by the way), or they're the betrayed spouse and are devastated. And we've seen former other men and women -- and a lot of them aren't happy, either.

Suppressing guilt is only delaying the inevitable. Guilt is the little voice in your head. It's a mistake to ignore it and squash it.

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Most likely he had a “ what in the hell am I doing? ” moment and is backing off.

It sounds like your marriage is missing some important attributes that would keep your head and heart straight, including the attention and fun you seem to crave. Find out what’s going on there. This relationship outside of your marriage is not the answer right now.

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@tawpsciclinic,

How do you feel?

Do you feel guilty? I hear no mention from you of any remorse or care of your husband. Jespah's right about the selfish part - that an affair is selfish.

At least this guy has feelings of guilt even if it is after his wife did some nice things for him. I would hope that your marriage vows would be enough to illicit at least a small amount of guilt.

Either focus on your marriage or end it. Have some small amount of thoughtfulness and caring for someone you had vowed to be one with. At least have enough caring to allow him to be free if you do not want a commitment.

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@tawpsciclinic,

It’s often hard work to fix your own marriage, especially when you’ve been married for quite awhile. You must realize that your needs for closeness and intimacy are most likely with your husband if that can be salvaged throughout Counseling and/or real dialogue with your hubby Maybe that’s the better choice. No one said it will come easily.

If you seek intimacy outside of your marriage, it’s only a temporary fix and often ends in one or all parties getting hurt. A clandestine affair is exciting in the beginning but that too wears off in time. If your lover is distancing, he’s heading in a direction that is painful but necessary for him to sort out his own house and life. You should do the same.

When you break it off, you still are left with the task of fixing things at home if that is still possible. 99%of the time it’s irreparable.

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@tawpsciclinic,

From a 70 year old gay masseur whose clients are almost ALL straight married men.

With me, there is no real prospect of romance: the guys still love their wives. But, your case is different.

Is all really fair in love and war? You are playing with dynamite, dear. What this semblance of a relationship is doing is robbing the wife of her private property. The guilt is there for a valid reason, dear. And, I know that the physical attraction is amazing. But there is an entirely innocent person who is going to be mightily hurt. Is it really worth it?

Your increasing 'love' of this man is really but physical titillation at this point. My advice to you is to enter into an entirely platonic relationship. If that will prove to be an avenue for further enticement, cut it off immediately. Again, your guilt, his guilt, will ultimately sour everything in your mutual lives. - David Lyga

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Advice about dealing with guilt

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