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Should I go? Husband caught with porn again, again, and again over the course of 8years

 
 
Sadmom
 
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 12:44 am
I caught my husband watching porn again... And again and again

In my previous 8 year relationship with my boyfriend, I caught him watching porn. And found a profile with naked girls he added as friends, living in the same city. We tried to work it out but we eventually broke up.

My husband and I got together a few years later and we were such a good match. I told him what happened with my ex and that the whole porn episode hurt me and that it lead to a breakup. I also told him how porn hurt my mother in my parents relationship and how she did not feel good enough. He told me how he completely disapproved of that behavior and that he could not believe that they could do something like that to hurt the one they loved.

I went away for a week and when I came back I later discovered on a later date that he watched porn when I was not there. I was deeply hurt and he told me how he would never do something like that again.

We got married and everything was great. We had our first baby and our second. Then I caught him where he wanked in the shower....even though I was there all the time. It broke my heart. On other occasions the bathroom door was locked while he was showering and when I wanted to go in he said that he wanted some privacy and he would unlock the door... But did not open immediately. I also remember once that he came into the room from the shower and I could sèe that he still had a semi.... I was very excited and when I touched him and came closer he was not interested and said that he was not in the mood...because his boner was disappearing after he had a wank. He apologized and said he would never do stuff behind my back again.

A few years later I found some pics he viewed on a photo platform under the 'adult' category. The hardcore pics could not be accessed but some of the others were girls in lingerie. I was devastated and wanted to leave with our two kids (we were thinking of having a 3d baby at the time). I could not believe that I trusted him. I packed my bags. The kids were crying and it felt like my whole world was collapsing. He pleaded that I should not leave he said over and over how much he loved me and how much our family meant to him. He said that he will shower me with love and give me loads of affection. I told him that he had enough chances and he pleaded (on his knees) for just one more and said that he will never ever do it again and that he will work for my trust even if he have to work for it for the rest of our lives. He even proposed that I could check his phone whenever I wanted. But I did not want to feel that I had to

A year went by and we did have a third child. I constantly had a issue with trust. When he was in the shower I would come in, when he was in the bathroom for too long I would go and chat to him through the door or message him and ask why he was taking so long. I hated it to feel like this paranoid police woman all the time.

And now last night I had a talk with my husband that I felt the need to connect with him and I felt that he just wanted to watch Netflix or be on his phone, sometimes instead of wanting to have sex. He put away the laptop and irritable asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I just want to go to sleep after I heard how irritable he was. He just went to sleep. No goodnight kiss and did not hold me for the rest of the night. The next morning baby cried and I went to the other room to breastfeed her. Just as I settled in I heard my husband getting up. I thought that he was coming to me to give me a good morning kiss or just to cuddle with me after my bid for connection the previous night. But he went into the study with his laptop and shut the door. Maybe 10 minutes later my toddler woke up and he was crying. He was looking for me and went into the study. My husband rudely told him to go out because he was working. Right after that I went in and surprise... He was looking at porn again. On his work laptop.... And he tried to hide it from me then lied and said that I did not see any other pages. He then realized that I busted him and confessed. I completely broke Dow. And now he is telling me how sorry he is, that he will not do it again and that I should give him one last chance and think of our family and the kids. I promises not to do it ever again and again he pleaded with me not to leave. Yes, this is my life.

Needless to say, I am feeling hurt, scared, unwanted, disrespected, not good enough, lonely and like I am worth nothing. I thought we had a perfect loving family and my heart aches for what we have lost and for the hearts of our children.
 
BillRM
 
  3  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 03:56 am
@Sadmom,
How silly you are in fact you are beyond being silly if you allow a very normal and very common action by your husband to endanger your marriage.

Sorry that you are insecure over your husband watching porn but such as action beside being common for heterosexual males does not mean that he is not loyal to you or caring about you.

Next the only reason I am taking the time to address your silliness is that you had posted that you had children involve


Quote:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

By Jonathan Liew1:22PM GMT 02 Dec 2009
Researchers were conducting a study comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography with regular users.

But their project stumbled at the first hurdle when they failed to find a single man who had not been seen it.

“We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn't find any.”

Although hampered in its original aim, the study did examined the habits of those young men who used pornography – which would appear to be all of them.

Prof Lajeunesse interviewed 20 heterosexual male university students who consumed pornography, and found on average, they first watched pornography when they were 10 years old.

Single men watched pornography for an average of 40 minutes, three times a week, while those in relationships watched it 1.7 times a week for around 20 minutes.

The study found that men watched pornography that matched their own image of sexuality, and quickly discarded material they found offensive or distasteful.

Prof Lajeunesse said pornography did not have a negative effect on men's sexuality.

“Not one subject had a pathological sexuality,” he said. “In fact, all of their sexual practices were quite conventional.

“Pornography hasn't changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he added.

0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 04:38 am
@Sadmom,
Should you go? No one here can answer that but you. IMHO, that’s nuking the marriage without any indication of cheating or even talking to another. Pretty extreme reaction.

I hear your sad and understand your upset. However, I see not one word that he has cheated on you with another nor have you written that there was a sign of his disloyalties. I do see he lied about his actions. That would ups t me if I were in that situation.

You write that you feel insecure but has even contacted a real person? I’m only guessing that perhaps he has not.

After three childbirths you may have certain feelings/insecurity about Your physical appearance. You AND your hubby have to work together to restore your confidence and work to help you feel loved and appreciated.

Perhaps, try watching porn together might work? I’m no expert by any means. However, if that doesn’t work and he continues then you need to not feel inadequate if he does watch porn.

He also has to stop hiding it and be honest. This is not your previous relationship even if it feels like it might be heading that way.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 05:38 am
@Ragman,
You are being far more kind to her then she deserve in my opinion.

She have kids who she is thinking of uprooting their lives due to her husband looking at Porn of all things.

My suggestion is that she should grow up.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 05:53 am
@Sadmom,
Biggest issues are the lies and him using his work PC to look at porn --- grounds for dismissal at more than one company (possibility of getting viruses + potentially a hostile work environment).

Talk to him about those things. Not feelings, not sex, and not your marriage and kids. Just those things. See what he says.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 07:39 am
As you can see, there are those who think there’s nothing wrong with looking at porn. I have mixed feelings about it but when any act affects the marriage, it needs to be discussed.

Right now you are in the role of the punitive mother looking to catch a sneaky child. Not a good place for you to be.

The whole household sounds like it’s under stress. Eight year marriage - three babies. Covid restrictions. Working from home. Etc.

The kids start crying and he goes into his office and flips on something that takes him “away.” In a private shower he also does this. His computer sites could have been a gambling site or him taking a drink, the point is that he’s stress relieving and it happens to involve self pleasuring and porn.

It has nothing to do with you, really.

Id ask when the last time you two have spent some quality time alone or if you have help with the children so you can focus on each other, but the circumstances are so unusual right now.

Couples Counseling is needed asap. But again I repeat: this does not have that much to do with you, except that your focus to “ catch” him just adds to all the excitement of the act.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 08:06 am
@PUNKEY,
If it was common for marriages to end due to men looking at porn almost no marriage would not end in divorce.

The woman should grow up as you are right his looking at porn is highly unlikely to have anything to do with his feelings toward her.
Ragman
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 10:03 am
@BillRM,
If I ever read what you write, I might criticize you for being an insensitive clod and demeaning to a woman who is only asking for help due her emotional upset over her marital troubles.

But I don’t read whatever you write. I suggest the same to Sadmom.

To Sadmom: You might want to read up on addiction and addictive personalities. He isn’t trying to piss you off or make you feel bad but he doesn’t seem in control right now.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 10:39 am
@Ragman,
There seems to be a trend of woman spying on their husband's internet use. I doubt that ever ends well.

There is another trend of people playing psychiatrist.

0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 10:44 am
The question in the OP is "Should I go?". The answer is "Yes". If you can't accept your husband, then get a divorce.

In a healthy relationship you work together to accept each other and meet each others needs. Each person in a marriage needs to take responsibility for their own feelings. If you are going to pin all the blame on your husband, then it won't work. The fact that you are spying on your husband is bad all around.

Divorce or therapy. I think those are the two options.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 12:22 pm
@Sadmom,
tons of troubling stuff in your OP but yanno - this is really weird and I would be past annoyed if someone pestered me while I was in the bathroom

Sadmom wrote:
When he was in the shower I would come in, when he was in the bathroom for too long I would go and chat to him through the door or message him and ask why he was taking so long.


you might want to consider individual counselling for yourself (probably would have been useful before this relationship/marriage even started) and then possibly couples counselling

__

seriously. if someone texted me to ask why I was in shower/bathroom after any period of time ... I'd know the relationship was toast


__

seems I'm agreeing with bill on a lot of this
also a weird thing
Cool
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 01:38 pm
@ehBeth,
I just reread the quoted section ofSadnom. I missed that part.
entirely.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 06:35 pm
@Ragman,
My feelings are deeply hurt to know that you are not reading my words of wisdom LOL.

Next for those who are still reading my postings frankly it is annoying to me that of all the reasons to end a marriage your partner looking at porn is not one of them with very very special note of when there are children in the mixed.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 06:37 pm
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:
it is annoying to me that of all the reasons to end a marriage looking at porn is not one of them


what?
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 06:43 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

BillRM wrote:
it is annoying to me that of all the reasons to end a marriage looking at porn is not one of them


what?


What indeed as she is thinking of breaking up her family that contain young children due mainly to her husband daring to look at porn,
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 06:45 pm
@BillRM,
What you posted suggested that you thought it was bad that looking at porn was not included in the reasons to end the relationship.

was that a grammar fart? without the no, it would mean the same thing as your clarification
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 07:04 pm
An amusing side note, as the internet was many many decades in the future when I was a child, I did not have easy accept to porn so I needed in order to even see women breasts to turn to national geographic pictures of native African women.

That dry spell ended only when I found my father stack of porn.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Fri 15 May, 2020 07:10 pm
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:

An amusing side note, as the internet was many many decades in the future when I was a child, I did not have easy accept to porn so I needed in order to even see women breasts to turn to national geographic pictures of native African women.

That dry spell ended only when I found my father stack of porn.


That's not as sad as my childhood. We used to fiddle with the cable box and squint to see boobs though the wavy lines on the television.
BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Sat 16 May, 2020 01:54 am
@maxdancona,
I love UK with their idea that they was going to be able to block young boys from porn on the internet!!!!!

They gave up that idea an by doing so save millions of pounds in my opinion.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sat 16 May, 2020 12:36 pm
I was snooping in my parents closet (age 6 ? ) and found a Playboy magazine on the top shelf. It was the one with Marilyn Monroe on the cover. Wish I had that now, it’s worth a lot of money.
0 Replies
 
 

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