Can you ever get over it?

Reply Wed 23 Jan, 2019 10:10 am
Constant daily struggle here for the last year. I will try to explain the best I can and hopefully get some good info/answers as how to proceed. I am a 31 year old white male, my wife is a 30 year old black female. We have two lovely children, a boy age 6 and girl age 4. Been married 9 years together about 10. Basically this last year in the marriage has broken me and changed me as a person, I'm not really the same anymore. Roughly around Thanksgiving last year I found out my wife was seeing a substanially older white male (our parents age), supposedly no sex but I found all kinds of lewd pictures she sent to him. Confront her about it, she seems remorseful and breaks it off. Shortly there after I found she let our mortgage get behind a month and it had been that for quite a long time. Me being a dumb man, I just would work say here's my paycheck and let her pay the bills. That's since changed, own accounts now and we pay our own business so problem solved I guess, either way I wasnt happy about that because she never told me but I got it fixed. A couple months later I found out she had been talking to an old ex, guy she was actually with before me. Now at this point we've been together about 10 years. This guy has a criminal background and the sad part of how I found out is I guess she met him in public with my kids in tow and my son told me about it. Ok, so I let that go. I'm fine mentally at this point. So basically another problem I've had with her is affection. She will not show or display it in the slightest and really never has, I finally realized I've been the one carrying that in the relationship the whole time. For literally a couple months I would ask her to sit by me on the couch to watch a show, or I would try to kiss her and she would oblige slightly but then end up literally pushing me away. We would have sex a couple times a week but it's me intiating and her just agreeing to it basically. I don't get it? I'm in very good shape I would say and attractive but it's like she doesn't even want to have sex with me. I will also say she's put on about 50lbs since we got together which is understandable but makes no effort to change it (still attracted to her though). So basically on one of these nights where I asked her daily to just chill with me and she declines I finally just say screw it. I messaged a girl who I found highly attractive who I knew just from business, never had flirted or anything like that before. We instantly hit it off like no other before to be honest. In short this has been back and forth with her, me being dumb bouncing around trying to "work it out" with my wife and just keeping her on the sideline as bad as it sounds and I feel like an ass. Basically we've come to love each other but I'm in the current state of trying to work it out. My problem is I do still have love for my wife and I've tried doing this for my kids because they are my world but I'm just numb. Day to day I function but I'm not happy anymore, I don't feel like my wife gets it because we are cordial but there is still no affection or "loving" feeling anymore. Obviously I don't trust her and the other girl who I really do care for obviously doesn't trust me anymore so that's on the outs. I'm just wondering if anyone has been in this situation and were you ever mentally able to get back in it? This has been months of this feeling for me and I don't feel like I will ever recover. My wife found out I was seeing someone and basically I was at divorce at that point so I didn't care. She pulled at me saying she would change and nothing really has. I get I love you texts throughout the day but that's all. Nothing in person. Do I go to therapy? I don't really feel like it will help, move out? Or try to stick it out for the kids? I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice is appreciated, thank you.
Reply Wed 23 Jan, 2019 10:19 am
Your marriage is a trainwreck and instead of getting professional marriage counseling, you start up an affair.

Not a good plan for trying to exit a marriage or repair it.

Sit down with her and find out why she stays with a man she won’t have sexual relations with and has an affair with another man. Does she stay because of the money? (Support?)
Reply Wed 23 Jan, 2019 10:28 am
I really don't know? She has a good job, I put her through school basically but since getting that job it's almost like she's gotten worse with finances.
I couldn't tell you how many thousands of dollars of bills I've had to cover spur of the moment this last year that we're her bills. And yes I agree, dumb decision on my part but I definitely didn't plan on it lol.
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Reply Wed 23 Jan, 2019 11:45 am
Therapy - and probably just for you. And talk about what you want to do, and where you see yourself and your marriage in 5 years, 10 years, 20.

If being apart is in the cards, then do so. If being together is, then go all in. This in-between stuff is what's tearing you apart.

Oh, and another thing. For the love of God, please don't say you're staying together because of the kids. Because all you're doing is teaching them a loveless marriage is their lot in life if they have children. You have thrown an enormous responsibility on them for your future -- and they're not even in fourth grade.

At least own up to it, that you're staying together because of, well, what, exactly? Money? Inertia? Fear of losing your reputation? Something else? Because if there's nothing keeping you together other than a vague "it's for the kids" sentiment then, news flash, there is nothing keeping you together.

Will your children be better off if your marriage ends? Why yes, they will! See: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201703/why-bad-marriages-are-worse-kids-divorce

And like I said above, if you're going to continue your marriage, then jump into the deep end and work on it.

FYI because your wife stinks at money management, no matter what happens with your marriage, please open up trusts for your children with someone in charge of them who is neither you nor your wife until your children turn 18 (you might want to ask the lawyer who would set up the trusts). Why am I suggesting this? Because your kids could stand to have their credit and futures not destroyed if Mom 'forgets' to pay the bills (no, your kids' credit ratings aren't affected if the house goes into repo unless they're listed as part-owners. But I've got enough friends whose parents were dirt broke when they - my friends - left the nest, and it can be an enormous hump to get over. One friend is out of college for over 35 years and she is still paying her student loans).

Check tax implications as you may find this is better than an inheritance. And, when they turn 18, they can use the $$ as they wish, whether it's to put a down payment on college or a house, get married, or just bum around Europe for a year. It doesn't even have to be a lot. Putting away $50/month for your eldest child gets them $7200 + interest by the time they turn 18.

Note: I am not an accountant or a doctor, and I am not your lawyer. All I'm trying to do is give you a nudge. But it's up to you which direction that goes to.
Reply Wed 23 Jan, 2019 11:53 am
Thank you for the response. In all honesty it is for the kids for me even though I know it's not right lol. I had alot of different step mom's growing you and I HATED it and I guess I project that on to them even though I'm finally realizing they should see me happy and it will benefit them. I like the trust fund idea alot! Thank you, I will definitely do that.
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