Tue 8 Sep, 2020 09:18 pm
My husband and I have been married for one year, together for three. Our youngest child is four months old. So our intimacy naturally slowed prior to her birth because of my big belly and afterwards as well. Sex only recently increased only because I initiate, but it still isn’t enough to satisfy my appetite and I want to be pursued sometimes. He said he was distant because of what he saw in the delivery room (which is common) and that the sex doesn’t quite feel the same to him. So I’ve done other things to please him, OFTEN, I’m down for everything when it comes to my husband, I don’t consider our sex life to be boring at least when we do have it. But It’s to the point I’m not getting much reciprocated, and if he does it’s not often or for too long. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy pleasing my husband I just feel unsatisfied most of the time.
For months, I noticed he would get out of his screen in his phone or put it down when I would approach. It had been a stressful year for him, and he was very depressed so I hesitated to “bother” him with what I had been noticing. So one day he did it again and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. So I calmly asked “is there anything going on that I should know about because of your suspicious behavior with your phone?” He swore he wasn’t cheating, that he wasn’t hiding anything. And “he’d be foolish to be cheating when I knew his password, that he’d had for forever.” I truly believed him.
A month later, the same behavior is still going on, I ignore my gut feeling though. One day, I go to reconnect the Bluetooth on his phone and his password has been changed. I confront him, and he nonchalantly told me the new code but after asking why he changed it after having the old one “ for forever” he immediately got defensive and said it’s his phone, he pays the bill, he doesn’t have to answer me, he’s grown etc.. so at that point I ask him again, “ are you hiding anything, because you’re deflecting and very defensive?” he claimed he wasn’t, and that it was my insecurities.
Now in my head he’s way too defensive to not be hiding something, and if I don’t check his phone he’s going to change the password and I’ll never know.. so later on that night I regretfully went through his phone, I really don’t want to have this type of marriage but I knew he was lying and he wasn’t gonna tell me himself. But he wasn’t lying about not cheating because he wasn’t, however, it was flooded with a lot of porn and the search history says he watches it all day, everyday. In hindsight, I recall a couple of days ago he got out of his screen real quick, as I approached, while he was “watching” our daughter sitting beside him on the sofa, turns out it was porn he was watching, with our daughter NEXT to him.
Now I’m not opposed to porn, self pleasuring or together, however, he’s watching it as if its a show on Netflix all times of the day, and his desire is so strong he did it while he’s with our daughter. I know he’s addicted because he’s not even self pleasuring himself every time he watches it. He’s watching it excessively and at inappropriate moments.
But even though he’s not self pleasuring every time he watches porn he prefers to self pleasure instead of coming to me even though I’ve told him several times “we don’t have enough sex,” he still self pleasures a lot. It’s to the point he lies and says he has a headache or stomachache etc. when I initiate sex but it’s really because he just self pleasured himself when he was “showering.”
Now he’s pissed at me, because “I invaded his privacy and broke the trust.” Which I did, and I regret I had to go this route but he’s literally not even speaking to me and told me to stop planning his 40th bday party (3 weeks away) because he doesn’t want anything from me.
So I have two concerns; I don’t know if him being uninterested in me is because of what childbirth did to me down there, because am back to my pre-pregnancy weight (5’1” 135lbs- slim but curvy) or is his appetite for porn, so addictive and intoxicating?
Secondly, what’s worse, invading his privacy or uncovering his porn addiction? Because he’s so pissed at me, the angriest he’s ever been at me, and I know what I did was wrong but he has me feeling like maybe what I did was worse trust wise.
Couples counseling. Go.
If he won't go, go alone