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My mom is over obsessive with parental controls. What do I do?

 
 
Reply Thu 11 Nov, 2021 03:47 pm
My mom put family link on my phone, which is a parental control app. The only problem I have with this is she set my age to 10 years old on the app, even though I'm 14. So now I can't download apps that are rated 10+ or anything above that. I only have access to YouTube kids and even then she blocked it on my phone. Can't access reddit to ask about this, that's blocked as well. Can't access my discord anymore unless I go on my aunt's computer, which she put passwords on so I can only access web version IF she feels like signing me in. How do I confront her about this? I've never done anything to break her trust, but she's stated before that she just doesn't feel "comfortable" enough to let me have the same privileges as normal teenagers do. Please help. I don't know what to do.
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 386 • Replies: 6
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 11 Nov, 2021 04:01 pm
@KitTheKool,
Teenagers in nonabusive households have a few 'jobs' at home.

  1. Getting good grades
  2. Doing chores
  3. Not killing your sibling(s), if any
  4. Doing things like honoring a curfew
There are more but these are some of the bigger ones. Some kids may have to work and hand over some of their pay to keep a household going, but those first four are pretty big and they are pretty universal.

If you've messed up any of the big four, then you can (maybe) show your contrition by doing the others—and also no longer doing the thing that was messed up. E.g. you get in after curfew, then your mission is to get in early. Your grades slip, then your mission is to get tutoring, study at home, go to the library, and otherwise show you're serious about your studies. If you're not doing chores, then your mission is to do what you're given to do with enthusiasm and pride, and to do more than the expected.

You get the idea.

Because even if you've never broken her trust, maybe it's something like this. Just not getting into trouble is not a very high standard, and many parents want their kids to do better and to be better.

You can also directly talk to her about it. And again, show her you're doing these other things.

"Mom, my homework and my chores are done. Dan (or any sibling's name, if applicable) should be okay if I keep headphones on. So, can you please loosen the controls so I can play __x___ game for a few hours? Here's what it looks like. I'll be in bed on time. Thanks!"

There are also parents who are overly obsessed with safety, or overdo it. And there are parents who are overly strict, and rigid to the point of being damaging to their kids. Your mother doesn't necessarily sound like any of these kinds of parents.

So... ask! But do so armed with that kind of backing. Just asking her to loosen the controls so you can play video games all day and night is not going to be a good look if the dishes are piled in the sink, your homework isn't done, your grades are slipping, and you were late coming home last week.

This is called arguing from a position of strength, versus a position of weakness.

Oh, and one more thing. Since you've obviously used your aunt's computer to circumvent these kinds of restrictions before, that may very well be your problem right there. Can you see your mother's perspective on that? It's her laying down a rule, and then you thumbing your nose at her and violating it anyway.

That's kinda the definition of breaking trust.
BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Thu 11 Nov, 2021 06:51 pm
@KitTheKool,
Well if you can not work out a mean of bypassing your mother censorship I do not think that computer security is a career for you to pursue. <grin>
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BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Thu 11 Nov, 2021 07:29 pm
@jespah,
Quote:
Oh, and one more thing. Since you've obviously used your aunt's computer to circumvent these kinds of restrictions before, that may very well be your problem right there. Can you see your mother's perspective on that? It's her laying down a rule, and then you thumbing your nose at her and violating it anyway.


Sound like Mom does not trust him at all from the beginning.

Hate the idea of censorship as it tend in my opinion to do far more harm then good in most cases at least no matter how well meaning the censorship happen to be but as we are talking about a fairly young minor I well be good.
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Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 12 Nov, 2021 02:42 pm
@KitTheKool,
Here is the mom point of view that had ... she is older now...But as a young teen that had issues with phone, internet ...texting etc.

She is now in her first year of college and we dealt with almost until she sent away to college issues with social media etc. Nothing that she got into huge trouble with but impacted her socially which trickled into other areas.

My her perspective she is trying to protect you. She may even trust you, but she does not trust the outside world and the scary world of social media. There is cyperbullying...we went through this. There is addiction to use of phone, and internet where it takes over your social life over personal discussion... I am not even touching upon what seems even more serious like child predators. What appears to be more normal teen phone behavior can be harmful to a teen's mental state including teen
depression and anxiety which I have seen as well.

I am not saying that your mom should not loosen her rules, but there is true and real reasons for her to be fearful. Teens do need to start getting more freedom as they age so when they are older they learn responsibility and learn repercussions for their actions, but in steps and as a teen shows they are ready. Parents job is to make sure you are safe and get you ready to be on your own. It us a balancing act.

Jesphah gives good advice on how to speak with your Mom to earn that additional freedom. You need to show your mom you are ready for the next step. Ask her in a respectful way what you would need to do to show you are capable of handling this step. I know when my daughter was having difficulty she gave me her password knowing that I would sometimes read her text...I only did so when I was worried about her anxiety ... I would not get mad at her for normal teen talk like swearing and other things that I might not approve of but was not harmful...it was a way for mutual respect while trying to keep her safe.

That may or may not work for you two, but a compromise that will provide you a bit more freedom while allowing your mom to feel you are still safe.

BillRM
 
  0  
Reply Fri 12 Nov, 2021 07:11 pm
@Linkat,
I can remember when Congress got involved with looking into banning comic books who content was sure to ruin the younger generation

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bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2021 04:16 pm
Use a lot of eye-up and act moody. Try not to talk to anyone. Seem disinterested.

Strike out on one's own?
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