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How to build trust again.

 
 
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 08:30 am
Most of you know the background so I'll be brief: Getting a divorce, husband had over ten emotional affairs and presumed physical affairs (proof down to actually witnessing it). We've been separated for a year now and we've both started to enter the dating world now.

I've started seeing this wonderful guy, which is entirely new in itself since I was in a relationship for 8 years (all of my twenties pretty much). Anyways he treats me right, is fully understanding and supports my dreams, etc. To sum it up, he makes me very happy (which is also a foreign concept to me). We were friends first, which I think also helped.

However I am having extreme issues with trust. Every time he looks at his phone, gets a text or a call, my mind automatically reverts back to when my ex did it. (Because it always ended up being another woman). I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I want to trust this new man and he knows about my insecurities. But I can't live in constant fear that it will happen again. I can't compare people to my ex.

Anyways, any advice would be great. I am getting tired of my mind and imagination getting ahead of me and dwelling on what if's as opposed to trusting.

I know I need to take baby steps, I am just not sure where to begin I guess.
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 08:37 am
Your "baby steps" should have been to live on your own for a while, get to know yourself and what you need and to grow as a confident, self sufficient woman and THEN begin dating again.

You are not ready for another relationship - hence the overreacting to this guy even looking at his phone.
Crazielady420
 
  2  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 08:40 am
@PUNKEY,
I agree, that was my initial plan. I didn't intend to get where I am. Never in a million years.

But here I am. Maybe I didn't go about it the appropriate way but I wouldn't change it for the world.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 08:54 am
@Crazielady420,
I honestly do not have any/much advice - I am happy to hear though that you are in a good relationship. My only thought which it appears you have done is just simply come clean with your new man.

It seems to me you recognize if for what it is which I imagine is somewhat helpful on your side. All I can think of is just keep reminding yourself when this feeling happens that is your parnoid mind -- maybe just recognizing it over and over will help you.

I do wish you both the best.
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 09:22 am
Well, I think that in many ways you were on your own for a long time - off and on over years, alone while together. Yes, it would have been good to spend time entirely on your own, but life brings itself into play sometimes just by happening, and this sounds like a good happening, to me.

I think you've done right by explaining why you get edgy to him, and that now some relaxation could work its way into your observation - having him just be himself and getting to trust it/him will in time have you not clenching your stomach or spinning your mind while he is just being normal. That may be a slow process, or just one day be not a problem, but breathe in and out and enjoy being with him.

My best to both of you.
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 09:56 am
@Linkat,
Thank you.

I have talked to him about it and he's been great. I just try not to let him know how much it affects me I guess. No reason to burden others with my baggage. It's not fair to him.

All I know is things will play out however they are meant to play out.
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2014 10:00 am
@ossobuco,
I was on my own, at least in my mind. I think I started to let go so long ago that when it ended for good, I was already very ready to let go. I do agree, it would have been good to spend time on my own. But as you implied, life happens. I believe everything happens for some reason.

I think I just needed reassurance that what I am going through is normal and that I wasn't going to far when I told him about why I felt this way. As I said above, that last thing I want is to burden anyone with my emotional baggage.

Day by day.

Thank you!
0 Replies
 
George
 
  5  
Reply Fri 28 Feb, 2014 02:46 pm
@Crazielady420,
Crazielady420 wrote:
. . . I have talked to him about it and he's been great. I just try not to let
him know how much it affects me I guess. No reason to burden others with
my baggage. It's not fair to him. . .

But he's not just "others", he's the Significant Other. And you're his.
When you sign up for that, you sign up for the baggage. It wouldn't be fair
not to let him know. If he has baggage (and who doesn't?), you want to
know about it, don't you?

It's going to take a long while before this stops bothering you so much.
But if you both work at it, you can build that trust. Expect to have an
irrational fit of jealousy every now and then. It's normal after what
you've been through. Just see it for what it is, an emotional reaction.
Stay calm. It will pass.

There was a bit of this at the start of my own relationship with The Lovely
Bride. That was over thirty years ago. We got through it.
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  3  
Reply Fri 28 Feb, 2014 03:13 pm
@Crazielady420,
You may be more ready for a new relationship than you suppose.

But the trust issue is a bitch.

However, the "trust issue" is almost a certainty as is a reluctance to just jump into another relationship.

Your trust was violated...and you are reacting exactly the same way damn near every human who has ever had that happen...has reacted.

It'll take time to get over this...and may not ever happen. But this is what you have got to work with...so it is this, or nothing.

Choosing "nothing" is the absolute bottom of the barrel.

Be honest with the new guy. Let him know straight out that you are, in a sense, damaged goods. (Don't use that expression!) Let him know that building up trust is going to be a process...and that you think enough of him to do it while continuing the relationship.

Let him know that you probably will need help...and that you would appreciate him giving you part of that help.

Train yourself not to do the things that this kind of situation often leads to. Don't snoop...or check his phone when you have the chance. If you see him do something that causes the distrust...let it go for a bit, but it would not hurt at some point to mention that "it" happened when you saw him check out a call...or whatever it is that triggered the "it."

It ain't gonna be easy...but the fact is that because of this problem, you are embarked on a great growing opportunity. You may get much more out of this...more control over your life and interpersonal reactions than you ever dreamed possible.

I hope the new guy is understanding...and helps you make the growth.

Good luck.
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Feb, 2014 03:24 pm
@Crazielady420,
Too much...too fast.
0 Replies
 
Jenaia
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 3 Mar, 2014 03:10 pm
@Crazielady420,
"love like you'll never be hurt"

One of my favorite lines. You cannot live in fear, or it is not living. Some men are douches, but you cannot live in fear of your man being a douche, or you could end up self fulfilling. You have clearly had a bad experience, but don't let him destroy this relationship too. It was your ex, and not your current man that was the jerk. Be open and honest with your new guy, and understand if he doesn't understand. He is a man, they generally don't understand.

It is too late to heed the wise advice to get to know yourself before jumping into another relationship, so ride it out, trust in spite of your nurtured nature, and enjoy your newfound love.

Genaia,
wishing you happiness
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  0  
Reply Mon 3 Mar, 2014 03:41 pm
Quote:
Crazielady said: Every time he looks at his phone, gets a text or a call, my mind automatically reverts back to when my ex did it. (Because it always ended up being another woman)

Of course you've got every right to wonder who's calling him!
Gently ask him who it was and see if he's happy to tell you. If he tries to fob you off, start thinking about ditching him!
But on the positive side if he had another woman he'd tell her not to text or phone him at home, so the fact he's getting incoming texts and calls in front of you means he's probably innocent because he's not trying to keep anything secret from you..Smile
Jenaia
 
  0  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 01:08 am
@Romeo Fabulini,
try to remember that this woman is heavily scarred by a prior relationship. If you feed undue concern, it runs away with you.we are emotional creatures so jealousy will fester and will come out in any attempt she makes to find out who is on the other end of a text. What she needs is to be at peace with her new man, not testing him according to the failings of the last one!
That is how you sabotage relationships with baggage. You should leave all baggage at the door, or at least leave it in the porch where everybody has seen and knows about it. You don't wheel it around the house into every room you go, it is heavy, and inhibits your movement.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 01:15 am
Clear the air once and for all by asking him about incoming messages. If he cares about you he'll explain exactly who they're from..Smile
If I had a ladyfriend who kept getting messages I'd be very annoyed unless she proved they were innocent!
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 01:17 am
@Crazielady420,
Congratulations on this new relationship it sounds "right". He is understanding, knows of your heart-aches, was and IS a friend and will be there for you.

If we think back to our entire history of life, there are negatives, things that hurt us, no one is left out of that. Then we get thrown what we really wanted, needed and go wow!

There is a reason why past is past. If you even broach the subject mentally then you will still live in it. Focus on the present and the future.

What a wonderful life you will have.

And, you know what? If this guy ever did anything like that to you, you know how to walk you have.

Concentrate on you as well 50% of this time, to know who you are, what you are worth, do things you love be in-dependant not dependant and in that, let the love grow as two that becomes one.
0 Replies
 
Jenaia
 
  0  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 07:16 am
@Romeo Fabulini,
*giggle* you will struggle to keep a lady with that approach. how does your current lady cope with it?
0 Replies
 
ciaracasey
 
  -3  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 11:40 am
@Crazielady420,
If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

1. Never resort to name calling or putdowns.

2. Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.

3. Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, "you never" or "you always."

4. Never bring the other person's family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse's.

5. Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.

6. Don't start a fight later in the night, when you're both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.

7. And again, do your best to use "I-statements" rather than "you-statements," which feel like attacks.

Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can "relax" and not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 01:25 pm
Quote:
Romeo said: If I had a ladyfriend who kept getting messages I'd be very annoyed unless she proved they were innocent!
Jenaia said: *giggle* you will struggle to keep a lady with that approach. how does your current lady cope with it?

I don't do "struggle", I simply lay down the law and if a woman doesn't shape up she's out on her butt!
For example I've recently been dating June but she's turned out to be a wimpy flip-flopping airhead so I've broken off contact.
Plenty more fish..Smile
Jenaia
 
  2  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 08:50 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
Plenty more fish....

and I guess that makes you a shark?
Ever been married? long term relationships?
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  0  
Reply Tue 4 Mar, 2014 10:54 pm
Quote:
Romeo said: Plenty more fish....
Jenaia said: and I guess that makes you a shark?
Ever been married? long term relationships?

No never married, came close a couple of times but came to my senses just in time and managed to talk my way out. No longterm relationships either because my standards are very high; if a woman doesn't shape up she's soon O-U-T!
Have currently got my eye on a woman who works in the grocers but if she smokes I won't be interested. I'll hang about across the street near closing time to see if she lights up when she comes out.
Call me picky but I could never want a woman who smells like a trucker..Wink
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