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Wife Cheated Now I Want Affair

 
 
Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2019 02:39 pm
I discovered my wife of 17 years was having an affair a few months back. This obviously shattered my world. We have been trying to make things work out with obvious speed bumps as to be expected. One thing that has been bothering me is that she says she is now unhappy with our previous sex life after experiencing her affair partner.

We were married very early 19 and 20 and have very little previous sexual experience. I now feel very uncomfortable that I have no experience to give back, or to know what I may or may not want in a partner unlike her. This has me considering a side fling or affair. I have been on AM but have yet to pull the trigger on anything. Any advice?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2019 05:33 pm
@jackattack13,
Yeah.

Leave your wife if you're going to pull that ****.

Or open your marriage.

Make up your mind what you want. But a revenge affair (because that is 100% what this is) is not going to "make things work". It is not you "trying" (your words, not mine).

It is you rubbing her face in it.

If you feel the need to do that, then find someone else to be married to.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2019 08:07 pm
Shouldn’t you be trying to step up your role in the bedroom? She has told you that she experienced “more” now and that’s your clue that she wants a better, more exciting sex life.

Put some effort into your marriage. Romance her and learn how to make love to a woman. God knows there’s enough information on the web for how to do that.

Make your wife fall in love with you again.
jackattack13
 
  0  
Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2019 09:33 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yeah, I don't even look at it as "revenge" per se, because it isn't even to get back at her. I am looking at it from the point where she didn't realize what she wanted in our sex life until she stepped out. So I feel odd that I do not know what I may be missing or what to recommend that I want her to do OR that I do not have the experience gained from other sexual encounters to provide with better "moves" or "techniques". All things learned from sexual experiences.
neptuneblue
 
  4  
Reply Mon 25 Nov, 2019 10:38 pm
@jackattack13,
Or...

You can open a dialog with your wife that includes past mistakes and future endeavors. Having something outside your marriage still won't bring you any way closer to your wife. It's all new territory for the both of you. How that goes is up to both of you. If you go outside the perimeters, then you just did the same thing she did.

Don't you want more than that?
jackattack13
 
  0  
Reply Tue 26 Nov, 2019 02:24 pm
@neptuneblue,
All good comments and differing trains of thought which is why I came here. It is easy to get caught up in your own head and get stuck in one thought track. I am still trying to navigate all of this and figure out how I feel about it all, etc. I am just finding the addition of sexual activities that were experienced with someone else a bit uncomfortable when I am asked to perform the same or similar activities. Maybe there is a bit of wanting her to understand the awkwardness of her expecting me to do things she did with someone else, so I think about straying outside of the marriage. But it seems like I just need to change my viewpoint and understand that if I chose that route I would not be doing anything good for recovery within my relationship.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Nov, 2019 10:37 pm
@jackattack13,
Experiencing growth is almost always awkward. Yes, you do have the right to be nervous and unsure of not only yourself, her and your marriage, What is the point here though, is how you handle it. If you want to hold the affair over her head, you're doing a fine job. If you'd like to grow with your wife, understand the sex wasn't fulfilling to her or maybe to you too, and take note, and explore different avenues, then, maybe you can see a path forward.

I'm not saying you have to subjugate yourself to her. You are your own person with wants and needs of your own. She's asking you to go beyond your safe zone. If you'd like to do that, then great, If not, you don't have the obligation to feel something that's perverse to you.

Things do change. How they change may or may not be up to you. Sometimes, though, you get a glimpse of how things can be. You don't have the excitement of an affair. What you do have is the knowledge she stepped out sexually on your marriage, Either accept it or not. Either go past it or not.

Either way, you have to make the choice.
0 Replies
 
NACHOFUNNYMAN
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Nov, 2019 08:55 am
@jackattack13,
Ask her to share what made the affair sex so good then tie her up, slap her ass and ride it home. More than likely what made the affair sex good was actually the secrecy, risk and newness though. So step up your game, take charge and try new things. I had sex in a traffic jam in San Fran, on the freeway on the way to Vegas doing 70, in a convertible in the driveway with top down. All with my wife. When we had a kid that all stopped because of her not wanting to anymore and she cheated on me when our sex life got boring (because of her). Sorry to throw that in but sometimes it just aint your fault. Her actions are not your fault. She is trying to justify her actions using you as an excuse, don't put up with that. I had the revenge affair with a woman 20 years younger than me. Had sex about 10 times in a week on a business trip and she said I made her whole body tingle. I did nothing to her I didn't do to others, including my wife, but she was married also so pretty sure that it was just the situation and not really me. BTW, the revenge affair did help a little. Because I am over 50 the erections are sorta slow to get there. Still get really hard just takes longer. My wife had said something about it several times. Found out it was because of the boring, routine sex with the wife and probably that she gained 50 lbs on a small frame. (which she lost while having the affair and has put back on in a matter of only a few months) Did not take long with younger hotter woman. Tried to work it out with wife but it aint workin mostly because she blamed me and still tries to blame me when it comes up and we are back to boring routine sex and she lost weight for him but won't for me when she knows I have a problem with it. I know that sounds superficial but it has more to do with what she did for him that she doesn't try for me. She knows I have a problem with it because my ex did the same thing. It is not the weight so much as when she gains weight she has less energy, her feet and knees hurt so we cant do as much outside the house and she is self conscious so she will not do simple sexual things she used to like get on top. (back to boring sex) I guarantee your wife did things to and for the other man that she didn't and wont for you....so it ends up the affair didn't help "us" just me.
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2bgoodagain
 
  0  
Reply Thu 5 Dec, 2019 02:03 pm
@jackattack13,
hey JackAttack….

having an affair to even things out, won't make you feel better. short term mebbe, but afterwards, you'll still feel that empty, horrible feeling inside.

the fact is, however long she's been having that affair, she's basically grown sexually/mentally/emotionally away from you. Even if she wants to come back to you, b/c she didn't take you on this journey with her, she's somewhere where you are not.

This was unfair to you and prob unconscious act on her part.. a byproduct of her affair with another guy(s) and where she grew in a direction you didn't.

having said all that... there is still hope to get you and her back in the same place again. but only if both sides want it, and prob MUCH MORE helpful with a relationship therapist to help you both along in a constructive manner.

There are many reasons why people cheat on their partners... sometimes they want to end it, and don't know how. sometimes they just start off wanting excitement/self esteem boost knowing someone else wants them but then ends up going down a deep end where they alienate themselves/partner from each other, etc etc.

IF she still wants to, there may be hope yet for you two, but if you go down this road to cheat on her b/c you feel an unfair sense of justice/power... you'll effectively terminate any meaningful chance of reconciliation with her.

JUST FYi. Smile

Good luck and I hope you make the better choice.
Btw, a better choice might be to just end the relationship, as well. Just don't cheat as a way to equalize how you feel; it'll damage you for any future relationships. My sympathies.
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