Husband wants me to sleep with other men

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Hello, new to the forum and not sure if this an appropriate platform to talk about this subject. Not easy for me to be honest, I'm normally a very reserved person which is why I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, even my best friends.
Hubby and I have been married for over twenty years, we have two great daughters, a lovely house in the north of Scotland and until recently a pretty good sex life, if maybe not very adventurous.
I always knew sexual attraction between me and my husband would eventually cool down a bit, so when he started losing interest in me, rejecting my advances and making excuses at bedtime I wasn't too worried. I just thought "well that's normal, after all I'm not exactly miss universe anymore, as long as he still loves me". I also put it down to a reduction in sex drive, maybe lower testosterone due to his age (he's in his mid 40s) but hey no biggie, I've got my toys and I'm not afraid to use them Wink

But then a few months ago I was using his computer and on the desktop I noticed a shortcut to a browser we never use, so I got a bit suspicious and opened it up. I wanted to see if he'd been using it secretly to look at porn, not that I have a problem with that, I know most men do it but I was just curious to see if maybe that was why he wasn't interested in me, maybe he had some sort of porn addiction.
I worked out how to get into the browser history and was shocked to find that not only had he been looking at porn on a daily basis, but all the pages and searches were about cuckolding scenarios, where the husband films the wife having sex with other men.
I couldn't understand it because we'd never talked about this, we always share all our sexual fantasies and when we were younger we did all sorts of kinky things, role play, we even went to a sex party once (even though we didn't actually do anything) so why wouldn't he just tell me?
That night I confronted him with it, he was mortified and really apologetic about the porn. I told him I didn't care about the porn in itself but why had he never told me about these fantasies?
He said he felt ashamed of them and worried that I would think he didn't love me or didn't value me anymore. He also said that he couldn't stop thinking about it, he masturbates to these videos and imagines that the woman is me and that he is the one filming.
He said "I know you would never agree to it, so what was the point in talking about it?"
This made me a bit upset because we've always shared everything in the past, and if he'd told me this sooner it wouldn't actually have shocked me that much, god know I've been round the block and as I said I've done my share of weird things in my time.
I'm not here to ask if you think his fantasy is normal, I've done my research and to my astonishment I discovered that this is one of the most popular male fantasies and definitely on the rise, in fact the most common searches on porn sites these days are to do with cuckolding or hotwifing as it's also called.
The reason for this post is to ask if other women have any personal experience of this, either discussing it with their partners or actually going through with it.
After the initial embarrassment, my husband really opened up about his fantasy and I tried to go along with it rather than making him feel dirty, as I didn't think that would make the fantasy go away, he'd just go back to masturbating in secret.
The first time we had sex after the incident I decided to indulge his fantasy, so when I was on top of him I started talking about doing it with another guy, someone from my office who's a real hunk. We've often joked about him in the past as this guy is constantly flirting with all the women including myself, of course I've never responded but I used to like trying to make my husband jealous by telling him how good looking this guy was and how I might run away with him one day if my husband wasn't careful... Little did I know he secretly wished for this to happen!
Anyway when I was telling him all this stuff I wasn't really into it at first, but the more I saw how much it turned him on, the more I started to enjoy it, and after a while the idea stopped seeming so outrageous and I became incredibly aroused. It was the best sex we'd had in years and I even climaxed which for me is really rare unless I use a vibrator.
Needless to say, the next time (which wasn't much later) we both wanted to experience it again so I repeated the scenario but this time made it slightly more extreme.
This has now become a regular part of our sex life, each time the scenarios we imagine become more outrageous and I've got to say I'm really enjoying it. So what's the problem, I hear you ask?
The fact is, he now keeps talking about actually making it happen for real and I'm really in two minds about it. I must admit a part of me would love to experience the thrill of an extreme situation like that, but I'm terrified that it might go horribly wrong.
After all, fantasy and reality are two very different things. Reality never quite plays out the way you imagine it, and if we go through with something like this, there's no taking it back. Once I've been with another man and my husband has seen it, there's no doubt in my mind that things between us will never be the same again.
But on the other hand it could turn out to be the best thing we've ever done... I know I could find a lover REALLY easily, there's no shortage of willing males in our area (I've looked on various websites!) so that's not the issue. I just don't want to indulge this fantasy, which I now share with my husband, only to discover that we've made a terrible mistake and broken our marriage.
Sorry about this really long post but it feels good just to have got it out of my chest. If you are still reading: have you been in this situation? If so, are there any ground rules we should establish before we even think about going through with it?
Honest answers please - and preferably from women, I'd like the female perspective on this as I think we girls look at these things in a different way from the guys. But either way, any advice is welcome.
Cheers!

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Keep researching on how you can develop this fantasy more. Right now, husband likes you just talking about it. Im sure you can get quite creative about it. (Having a mystery lover)

But bringing in another human being to the act WILL change everything. And you are right, it could mess things up royally.

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@PUNKEY,

Yes agreed, you'd think the fantasy would be enough for him at least for now, but he keeps asking for the real thing. I don't feel under pressure, he's asking nicely enough and if I just said "no way" I think he'd simply accept it. The only reason I haven't said no to him is that actually I'm quite intrigued by the idea of enacting the cuckold scenario. I'm sure we wouldn't be the first couple to make it work. I think I'm excited and apprehensive in equal measure, right now I feel like it could go either way, so my reason for being here is to try and tip the balance in one direction or the other.

Ultimately I know it's a decision only we can make and live with the consequences, but I've always been one for getting advice before doing anything (even when choosing new carpets!) so this is definitely a situation where I feel the need to gather some opinions before making up my own mind. And I can't talk to my friends about it so... here I am!

When you say "it could mess things up royally" are you talking from personal experience, or from reading other stories in this forum? I've had a good look and can't find any posts from women in my situation, I'm starting to think maybe it's more unusual that I first assumed!

1 Reply

@JoyBlue,

I agree with Punkey. It will change things and it "could" mess things up. It could also end up being a good experience. I know couple who have open relationships, each one can can have sex with other people. Some people make this work. From what I have heard having very clear ground rules are crucial when you enter this type of agreement.

I wouldn't mind having sex with you... I would feel awfully awkward if your husband wanted to be there, unless I already knew him very well. In that case we would be sharing the same fantasy (or "scene space" to borrow a term from kink) and there would have to be some trust built.

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@JoyBlue,

Quote:

After all, fantasy and reality are two very different things...

I just don't want to indulge this fantasy, which I now share with my husband, only to discover that we've made a terrible mistake and broken our marriage.

There's your answer.

I wont be so gentle next time.

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@JoyBlue,

I’d say there is a reason fantasies like that exist and I think it goes way beyond our stupid sexual attitudes.
One of the most prevalent fears around situations like this is that there might develop (God forbid!) emotional ties. More stupid attitudes.

Personally, I’d recommend the 'dangerous' emotional attachment long before sex.

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I think it is a bad idea. Love might be more boring than sex, but it last a lot longer. And in the end it provides a lot more security. Sex is a powerful force it can distort the way we feel about others. If you had sex with another man and you enjoyed it you could end up developing feeling for the other man, but how long would he stay interested in you? You all might be better off finding ways to spice up your sex life together.

I think men are better at handling that situation than woman; many men have mistresses and never stop loving their wives, but I could be wrong.

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@longly,

Quote:

I think men are better at handling that situation than woman; many men have mistresses and never stop loving their wives, but I could be wrong.

And some of those men also love their 'mistresses'. So you might have a point.

As King Solomon wrote “Among men I find perhaps one in a thousand who understand, but among women, not a one!”

<fearing the wrath of Glitterbag>

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@Leadfoot,

Although IMAO I'd argue that King Solomon's statement says a lot more about the limits of his own communication skills than the intelligence of men and women around him (surely a really wise person can find mutual ground for understanding with more people, not fewer?) I think you hit the nail on the head with the point that emotional attachment is at the core of this issue, i.e. whether or not an open relationship of any sort can work long term.

Personally if we are talking about ground rules, I think the first one my husband and I would need to lay is this: no emotional attachment, period. You might find this boring but I have no interest in getting emotionally close to any other man. And unless I misunderstand my husband's fantasy, I don't think he wants that either. He just likes the idea of seeing me being pleasured by someone else, and though we haven't discussed this specifically, I think he gets a kick out the feeling of humiliation brought on by that scenario. I forgot to mention he also has a major foot fetish, something we have played with a lot with in the past, so I guess it all ties in with the whole submissive thing. Nothing strange there, lots of men are submissive and they are no lesser men for it, in fact from what I read they are usually highly intelligent, which my OH definitely is. And they may be perfectly capable in the bedroom, except sometimes they choose not to be, because they prefer the feeling of being inadequate. I don't love him less for being that way, it's just the way he is. I just wish he'd opened up to me sooner instead of bottling it up for years and leaving me to wonder what was wrong with our sex life.

As for emotions, when I talk dirty to him during sex, he doesn't ask me to say things like "I don't love you anymore, I want another guy to kiss and cuddle, someone who understands me better than you". He wants me to talk about how good the other man's cock feels inside me and how much bigger it is than his. This last thought in particular drives him crazy, the moment I start talking about it that's it, he cums in a flash. So as far as I can tell we are exactly on the same page when it comes to the issue of affection. Quite simply, there shouldn't be any. I am not in love with my vibrators, so I don't see why I should automatically fall for some stranger (someone I'd pick up on a swinger site, not exactly the height of romance!) just because I let him have sex with me. In fact it's not so much about letting him, my OH likes the idea of me being domineering, sitting on top of the bull and being in control, all the time telling my husband how much pleasure I'm having. In this scenario the bull is no more than an animated sex doll, who walks in, fucks me and then leaves. So any potential partner would have to play along with this, as well as agreeing to being watched by another man. It might sound like a tall order, and at first I thought it would be, but having looked at hundreds of male profiles online, I don't think it will be very hard to find someone suitable.

Unfortunately I see there are still no comments from people who have personally been through this, which is what I was really hoping for. Not wishing to offend anyone or sound ungrateful for your comments, which I do appreciate. But at the same time I think conjecture is one thing and personal experience is another. While I respect everyone's opinion, it's actual life situations that I'd love to hear about.

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You are talking about kink. If you are looking for people with ezperience, you might try a forum that specializes in kink.

I haven't had this particular experience. When I experimented with dominance/submission we had a written contract about exactly what the relationship entailed and how far it extended.

I think the same thing would be a good idea if you choose to go through with this fantasy.

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@Leadfoot,

I can never tell if these "situations" are made up, real or just some fantastical voyeuristic exercise. But if I do venture an opinion, Max will be hot on my heels characterizing me as sexist, prudish, condescending, judgmental, etc.

I have no practical advice for the OP, these scenarios always strike me as unnecessarily complicated....and maybe it's selfish, but I'm really more interested in my personal love life. Maybe Dr. Ruth will weigh in later.

(This may come as a surprise, but these comments don't make me angry, sometimes they make me groan or roll my eyes..but I don't get angry..I hope your not too disappointed)

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@glitterbag,

Quote:

sometimes [these topics] make me groan or roll my eyes

Maybe Glitterbag is less prudish than I thought Wink

.

Frank open discussions about consensual sexual behavior are good whether they are fantasy or reality. The idea of kink is to find an emotionally and physically safe way to explore our darker fantasies with real life partners.

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@glitterbag,

Pretty much my thoughts as well. JoyBlue and hubby would seem to have the perfect situation in terms of their personal wants and desires. That Joy says he can’t communicate with this most loving and open minded lady makes me think I/he/she doesn’t know the full story. Or it's a creative writing exercise, no criticism of that.

@JoyBlue
As a matter of fact, I did have that experience in RL, although it was not planned and I was not prepared to enjoy the experience at the time.
As to my admittedly odd desire to love multiple people, that is apparently my cross to bear.

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@JoyBlue,

I am probably going to have an unpopular opinion on this, but I'll give it anyway.

I would question how much your husband really loves you if he is willing to send you into another man's bed. That is not love. A husband who loves his wife will cherish her, protect her and support her (not necessarily talking monetary support here.) What does it say about how much he cherishes you if he is wanting to see you screwing another man?

I would also put this question to you. Are you willing to see him screwing another woman? Because I would almost bet that will be his next idea once you have been with someone else. I mean, fair is fair, right?

And to prove I am not too much of a prude, I can see the appeal of the whole fantasy stuff while the two of you are having sex. If that spices things up a bit, then great. But I think crossing that line from fantasy to reality signals a really big problem for you, both from the standpoint of his desire to share you and what that means going forward.

I would no more wish to share my wife with someone else than she would want to share me with someone else.

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@maxdancona,

"When I experimented with dominance/submission we had a written contract about exactly what the relationship entailed and how far it extended."

A written contract sound quite extreme, personally I don't think I'd feel the need to ask this of a potential partner, but I'd definitely lay out the rules of the game way before he steps into our house.

Also, if I've already agreed those rules with my OH beforehand and he's going to be there to keep watch, I think I'd feel quite safe as he'd be ready to step in if the guy oversteps the mark. Hubby might be submissive, but he's also really protective of me. I know this last sentence will make some people snort (he's protective of her but wants to put her into another man's hands?) but I know it to be true, however absurd it sounds.

Similarly, I agree it sounds weird that my OH would find it so hard to share his cuckold fantasy with me, when I'm such an open minded person (at least I try to be...) I didn't understand it either at first and told him off for it, feeling he'd done me a disservice by assuming I wouldn't want to hear it.

However, I now realise I was partly to blame for this, as over the years (and definitely since having kids) sex has not featured much in our conversations, mainly because I didn't see the point in talking about it. We were together, we were content, sex was ok, what was there to talk about? I distinctly recall occasions when certain TV programs sparked a conversation between us, only for me to change the subject as quickly as possible. It might surprise you to know that I'm actually quite prudish, talk of sex instantly makes me blush. It's one thing to post anonymously on a forum, in fact I've surprised myself with the amount of information I've been able to share, but something about looking at sex and talking about it with my OH makes me feel ashamed. Maybe it's just me being British?

For example, there was a Louis Theroux documentary a while ago about polyamorous relationships, we watched it together and afterwards my OH was obviously keen to talk about it (I can see now in hindsight why that would be...) but again I just felt mortified and steered the conversation away at the first opportunity, after dismissing those couples as basically a bunch of American ****-ups (that will teach me, right?)

So I can't really blame my husband for hiding these thoughts and progressively withdrawing into his own fantasy world, with our sex life consequently deteriorating. I'm not saying it was all down to me, but I certainly didn't help.

"Or it's a creative writing exercise" - lol I'm an avid reader of fiction and I even wrote a few short stories (a long time ago) so I'll take that as a compliment, but I promise this is a genuine post. Of course a troll would be saying that, right?

Ultimately you can believe what you want. Let's face it, what's really real on the internet? I watched some of these videos my OH likes, the ones that are *supposedly* filmed by real husbands, being cuckolded by real wives. A few may even be real, but I suspect that 99% of them are fake. Nothing easier than to make something professionally arranged look crap (much harder the other way round...) and there's money to be made there, so why wouldn't the porn industry fake these videos?

Still, men like to imagine it's real and that's all that matters to them. Personally I really hope those women are actresses being remunerated for the work, or else they are basically allowing their partners to deliberately expose them to public humiliation. I'd never in a million years let my OH film me doing that, no matter how much I trust him. I like to think most women would feel the same, though I could be wrong. Some women may like being watched by thousands of men, I suppose you could get a major kick from something like that, if you are that way inclined. But the thought of someone I know (maybe my dad or my brother!) accidentally seeing me doing that... I would just want to be buried there and then, probably already dead from embarrassment, but even alive if necessary. Unthinkable.

But I majorly digress...

Maxdancona, I'd be keen to hear more about your experience of dominance and submission, if you're prepared to share parts of it. Same to Leadfoot, even if your experience wasn't planned, it might still provide useful points to reflect on.

Cheers!

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@JoyBlue,

A written contract plays really well with the dominance fantasy, however I think it is a really good idea in any case because that way issues of consent are very clear. I think it is standard practice in the Kink community to make lists with three sections; things I know I would like, things I am not sure about, and things that I absolutely don't want. This makes it very clear what each person wants out of the interaction.

In the fantasy you are setting up there are three participants. You, your husband and the other man all need to consent. Don't forget that the other man will be there too... his feelings and consent also matter. That is why I think a written agreement (maybe "contract" is too formal a word) is still a good idea. You want to be damn sure that all three of you know exactly what you are agreeing to.

Writing the contract was fun for me, and it worked out very well. We defined what is called "scene space"... some of the times even in public we were in our roles, in other times we weren't. I played the dominant role for most of the time, although we experimented with switching (which was also fun).

Communication is really important to me, in my relationship we would talk after each scene -- "this worked for me" "this didn't feel good" "when you did this... it was really hot" "next time I would really like it if you did this".

It is about exploring, and about learning how to give each of your partners what he or she is looking for. Again, remember in the scene you are considering... you will have two partners. This makes things a little more complicated.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Sorry but I have to disagree with you on some of your points.

Just because you personally can't imagine a husband loving and cherishing his wife and still wanting to explore a sexual fantasy with her, that doesn't mean it's not possible. My husband proves his love for me every day, in a million of different ways. Nothing about the recent events has made me want to question that, not for a minute. Even when he started losing interest in me sexually I didn't think "he's got himself a lover", because I felt his love all the time. The only reason I checked his browser history was to try and figure out if he had a porn addiction, because that was the only thing I could think of. Turns out it I was partly right, but there was much more to it.

"Are you willing to see him screwing another woman?" Absolutely not. This isn't me being selfish, but again I don't think you understand the dynamics of the whole cuckold scenario, or else you didn't read my OP in full.

If you want to understand it, just Google it and you'll find plenty of brilliant (and reputable) articles on the subject. It's an agreement that only works one way, not because the woman is being a selfish bitch, but because that's what turns both partners on. The man mainly gets a kick out of the humiliation, but also from seeing his wife being pleasured (if you like watching your wife masturbate, you might at least be able to understand the second motivation).

For the woman the pleasure can come from different sources, depending on her personality and her relationship with the man. She may simply want to give him pleasure by fulfilling his fantasy (which would be my main motivation), or she may be a sexually frustrated wife who genuinely needs more or better sex (not so hard to imagine, I am bordering on that myself), or she may have a sadistic and domineering side and actually enjoy humiliating her partner (not my motivation at all, but I can just about imagine that kick).

I am not surprised at all by your opinion, in fact it's what I would expect most ordinary people to think. I guess the advice I seek is from the other people (the "freaks"?) so I may need to try an actual swingers forum, though my worry is that I'll just end up being inundated with offers of sex, which I am not interested in at the moment. If and when we decide to do this, we (hubby and I) will choose together, on our own terms.

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@JoyBlue,

Thanks for sharing the other part of the story. That adds up. It was virtually the same story with how sex died with my second wife. She subtly moved away from the subject whenever it (and other things) came up. I really appreciated it when she admitted that so hope you will express that clearly and often to your guy.

As for my experience there’s not a lot to tell. All the real action takes place in your heads. It was an ideal situation, me, my lover of about a year and a friend from work. We are on a business trip in a Marriott hotel room, all sitting back on pillows against the headboard watching some stupid TV show. I'm thinking (as usual) what a shame it is that people don’t get intimate enough (mentally I mean) that sex might be an appropriate thing to share that way.

If work friend was the type to consider such things I would have thought further but friend's moto in life was “I'm not here for a long time, I’m here for a good time!”. Fun guy but I knew there would never be a serious relationship between he and lover. I put the thought away.

Lover surprises me, she is subtle but makes it obvious that she wants to make love and friend is not a problem. You may or may not see the dilemma in my head at this point. I have no moral qualms with the sex per se, but in my head, physical intimacy is always linked with emotional intimacy. But by that time we are all naked of course. I begin with lover but it is soon obvious to me that my head wasn’t in it [ahem!]. I said “I’m bushed, you guys go ahead, I'll watch.” And so I did.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Thank you, this is more along the lines the kind of advice I'm after. When you put it that way, I can see the point of a written agreement. I was thinking of a piece of paper, but of course if we are exchanging PMs and emails with potential partners it could be done electronically and still serve the purpose.

I also agree that the third person and his feelings matter, as long as he doesn't expect love and affection, because as I already said those are reserved for my husband and him alone.

And yes, communication after each event would definitely play an essential role in allowing us to continue exploring the fantasy and making the whole arrangement a success. Fortunately I can't imagine there will be problems there, I feel we are now completely open about this. Granted I haven't told him about this post (at least not yet), but that's not because I have anything to hide from him, it's because I think if people knew he had access to the post, they wouldn't feel free to comment in the same way. Or they'd start attacking him, which I'd absolutely hate.

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@Leadfoot,

...and? You don't have to describe the sex but did you discuss with your lover how you both felt during the experience, and more importantly afterwards? How did it affect your relationship long term? Did it kill it, improve it or did it make no difference at all?

4 Replies

Husband wants me to sleep with other men

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