Am I being stupid?

A mother is the person who bandages your knees and wipes your nose and makes you wear a coat when it's cold outside and cooks your favorite foods when you're sick and loves you even when you've been horrible to her.

You ARE Mo's mother, boomerang. The woman who gave birth to him hasn't done these things. She's not his mother, YOU are. You've earned the title.

Mr. B is waaaaaay off base! And you may tell him I said so.

Oh boomer, he's being incredibly silly and insensitive. Why he feels you can never be Mo's mother is a total mystery - you ARE unquestionably his mother in all the ways that count, that have been listed well already.

If Mo wants to call you Mom then he should, he understands quite well that he has a biological mother as well and should be allowed to work out his own way of dealing with names. I agree with all the reasons people give for a child being able to say 'my mom says ....' etc

Giving birth doesn't make a mother except in the biological sense, all the nurturing you are doing makes a mother.

When I had my first daughter we we worried about what she would call my mother and my grandmother - my grandmother had always been called Nana and my mum also wanted to be called Nana = confusion. My daughter sorted it out by working out her own system of Mary-Nana and Muriel-Nana when needing to differentiate in conversation but calling each of them just Nana when talking to them.

Maybe you could start calling his biological mother by name-mom in this way?

Your husband needs to understand how deeply hurtful his remarks and attitude are - maybe print out the converstations here??? or would that cause more problems? you say you debate issues so it might help. Maybe an element of jealousy here?

I just want to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope your discussion with Mr B was helpful.

{{{{BOOMER}}}}

When I read this, Boomerang, my heart sank. I hope this has all worked out for you. You received such good support & advice already. I'm adding a ditto and virtual (((HUG))). You are an excellent person doing a very good thing.

Can you say to Mo the truth -- "I don't like to be called Abuela" and see if he carries that to your husband? I assume you are also not responding to a name you don't like and I wouldn't like it either. I remember when my very own grandmother asked not to be called "Granny." I wasn't very old but I understood how she felt because there were names I didn't like either.

I think Vivian's suggestion of calling his bio mom by her
first name plus mom (like Jennifer-Mom) would be a good way to differentiate.

Being called mom by our children is important, regardless
how they came into our lives.

I'd like to bean that guy

and I'd like to watch it!

Piffka's suggestion of telling Mo that you don't like being called Abuela makes real sense, with a brief simplified reason - you just don't like it.

I'm sorry if I upset you boomer I didn't intend to. I just wanted to say that this is between you and Mr. B. I hope you can work it out. Have Mr. B read our posts, maybe that will help him to understand. In our view, he's the one that doesn't get it. You are Mo's mom. This idea that a birth mother is something sacrosanct is poppycock.

Oh man what a morning.

I did pin Mr. B down this morning and fully explained my feelings regarding our conversation yesterday.

It was a productive conversation and think I made a dent in his sometimes thick skull.

He had an interesting point about losing some history by dropping "Abuela" but I pointed out why I didn't like the name and why I thought it was a bad idea. He still really doesn't get my point but I feel like I'm making progress.

I went so far as to suggest phasing it out by using a new, nonsense word - mombuela.

We'll see what happens.

He is ususally not an idiot.

When it comes to this matter he is an idiot

.... but learning.

Between this talking to, the cement truck, the stitchs, the bee stinging and incoming Mo relations (oh my God it's not even noon!) I know I'm gonna crack open a nice bottle of wine tonight and cook myself a lovely dinner because I have earned it.

(You're all invited - you've earned it too.)

Thank you all so much for your hand-holding, advice and encouragement (Swimpy, no way did you upset me.) while I blurted out my angst.

ok if I start diving now I can be ther for dinner

That's great that you guys were able to talk about it and that it was at least somewhat productive. Yay you.

Learning is a wonderful thing.

(Cement truck? Bee stinging?)

I'll leave the door open for you, husker. We'll probably be out back so just let yourself in.

Yeah, the cement truck was laying down new sidewalk sections around the neighborhood so we ummmm..... investigated and ummmm..... seriously mucked up a piece of it.

They were really nice about it though.

Later Mo comes running in yelling "Look what I found", opens his hand.... uh oh.

I still can't quite figure out how he caught a bee.

I think Boomer has more dimensions in her present life than do many A2K posters.

In an ideal world Boomer, Mr. B., the Cement Truck and the bees would all make a defensive perimeter around Mo with Mo's birth family waving from outside the sacred ring.

I'm glad you and the mister talked and that the talk was productive. Keep at it, maybe someday he'll understand. If he does, send him over to explain it to my mister, please.

Perhaps the bee was a hapless drone, exhausted by flights of passion and easy prey for a Boy of Scientific Bent?

Jeez. I just realized that I am currently active in two of my own threads:

Would it be dumb for me to try....

Am I being stupid?

I want a defensive perimeter! Most days Mr. B would be welcome within but some days he has to stand on the line.

He really isn't a bad guy. Sometimes he's stupid but he's not mean. That is probably why when he says something so mean that I get so freaked out.

I did find out today that a rather serious bee allergy runs on Mo's side of the family so even the visit was productive. Luckily, Mo did not have a big reaction to the sting and it provided me the absolutely perfect opportunity to ask for a family medical history!

boomerang you are never being stupid - IMO

That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in ages!

But I do my share of stupid stuff.

This first sting may well create the antibodies for an over-kill reaction next time.

I'm glad that the medical history issue was a silver lining for the day.

By the by, the day is over. You need never live through it again.

What is an over-kill reaction?

Yes, thank goodness this day is almost over.

Mo had a GIGANTIC meltdown a bit a go. He was mad about one thing but the calm down conversation was really weird - about how he didn't want g-ma and g-pa to ever come here again and that he doesn't love and they don't love him and on and on. He has a lot of fun when they come over so I'm not reading too much into it. (NOt reading too much into things is VERY hard for me.)

Some neighbor kids stopped by and they are all playing out back giving me the first really free minute of the day. I can't wait for summer when Little Miss Springtime - Mo's 12 year old girlfriend (He is in loooooove) is out of school!