Am I being stupid?

I'm trying to teach my sons (The Brothers Clueless) to be aware of such things.
This year Older Son actually remembered that they should buy cards.
Some progress, anyway.

As you might remember from past discussions we (SO & I) place a high value on volunteerism and community building. Two years ago my Mrs
was named the United Way volunteer of year runner-up. A Heart Doctor got the main award for his contribution for healthcare for
homeless and low income folks.

I'll tell ya my Mrs deserves more than one Mom's \ Caretaker day and actually more praise than I give her. The way she took care of me
when I' was sick the past 9 months or so and keep the household and everything else going !! 3 cheers and 14 attagirls for her!
For better, for worse, for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; to have and to cherish.

Congratuations Husker. That is wonderful! You're even cooler than I'd imagined. I'm sure you deserve to have that honor every year. I'm glad for you and your family.

Boomer-- I'd heard that "manufactured holiday" excuse from Mr. P for every holiday known to man (who is otherwise a superlative figure) and nipped that in the bud early. The fault in that logic is that they don't manufacture their own holidays... so there is nothing all year. Pooh on that. Vivien said it well -- have an earnest conversation and explain what you expect. In fact, say you expect MORE than you expect... it is nice to have some surprises in life.

I expect to be treated well and have special things done for me on "my" holidays just as I do nice things for others on theirs. The one time they didn't do that, I bitched. It was unpleasant, but it got my point across and pointed to a truism every family needs to know. If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY gonna be happy.

It doesn't have to be expensive, though that CAN be nice. A Hallmark card is not enough (which nicely nixes that old manufactured routine) and not even necessary. I love jp's description of family times. That sounds great.

My family has a pretty good idea of what I like because I tell them. I don't tell them the day of, or the day before. They know because I've told them over and over. (First you have to know what you like... then you have to tell them.) I like plants. I like sweaters. I like books. I like potted flowers. I like white roses. I like most anything made of velvet and I like baskets. I've even developed two collections so that there is always a fallback -- zebras or seals. I like, most of all, what we call "experiential gifts." Those run the gamut from a month in England to a bottle of wine.

It is important to be a both a smart and a good recipient of gifts. I you don't like it... don't fake it. The entire family knows that shopping at the hardware store for me is not a good idea. But they also know that working in the garden will make me very, very happy.

I think a pair of Penn reels is a nice gift, Farmerman, but... why two?

Thing is (speaking for myself), I was with my non-holidaying hubby for 8 years before the kid came along, and it wasn't a problem during that stretch. (He does give non-holiday gifts whenever, which is nice.)

Not sure what boomer thinks of it, but the "example for sozlet" thing makes sense to me, I'm satisfied now. :-) (Good for you for actively providing instruction on that one, George, even if it's taking a while to take root. Cards are good!)

Now when I visit Piffka, I'll know what to bring! Well long as are the real likes!

Just you, Husker... healthy & smiling.

I come by my love for gardening naturally. My mother was a big-time gardener, growing just about everything we ate in the way of fresh vegetables. She spent days canning, freezing, preserving, pickling, etc to hold us over throughout the rest of the year. As she got older she gave up her vegetable garden but continued to have flowers everywhere she could plant them. I once tried to describe where my parents lived to someone who lived near them. All of a sudden the lightbulb went off and the man beamed, "Ah... the petunia house!!!!" Eventually even the flower beds became too much for her but each year for Mother's Day my SIL (brother's wife) spent the weekend planting up her smaller flower beds while my brother raked and mowed her lawn. That's the type of thing I mean by the gift of time. My mother was able to enjoy her flowers all summer because of the time given by my brother and his wife.

The rest of us are scattered around the country and although I know my mother appreciated our calls and cards, she was particularly appreciative of the gift of time and energy that brought her so much joy.

Did I mention I'm in the office now full time?

No, you didn't. That's excellent news. <grinning broadly at Husker>

Oh!

Well, now that you've thought of it, TELL HIM!!! He can't live up to your expectations if he doesn't know what they are!

Wow, husker! Father of the Year, huh?! (tears in my eyes, too!) That is great. I'm sure you deserved it.

VERY happy to hear you're back in the office, too! Funny how much we miss work when we can't do it. Y'know?

Two cynical thoughts:

A man is your son 'til he gets him a wife
And then she will take care of cards and calls and gifts and raise her daughters to honor.....


Now women have both Mother's Day and the vote. Given a "pick one" situation, I know what I'd opt for. Remember, when Wilson declared Mother's Day the suffragettes were marching--and continued marching through the teens and twenties.

By the by, if you have any sympathy with the sufragettes, plant yellow flowers in your front yard this year. For 100 years this has been a silent sign of support for equal rights for women.

And Boomer, you are a good mother. Those fits of despair--part of the package!

I didn't know that about yellow flowers, Noddy. I shall have to plant some now.

Oh my. I have fallen behind....

I think that living so far from family is what really started us on the path to minimilizing holidays. Plus, my job always became crazy near the approach of any holiday that by the time it rolled around I was too exhausted to make much of a fuss.

It's not like Mr. B completely ignored Mother's Day - he did send his mom a gift and card and called her. Eva, Swimpy and others are right - I need to make my expectations clear and set up some "rules" for holidays and observances.

Having a kid in the house really does change a lot of things! "Traditions" is not something I had really considered but I think it is important to have traditions of all sort, including the sorts that are nationally recognized.

Yeah Soz, I know where you're coming from. I expected Mr. B to handle this one holiday-related thing and he didn't. The fact that he didn't think it would be at all important to me is perhaps the most distressing thing of all. To me, it shows a great disconnect from him between who I was and who I've become - is he so totally unaware of what I've been doing for the past couple of years?


<turning page, catching up>

You're right BlaiseDaley - recognition in any job is important, it's the motivation we need to continue to try to do our job well.

I'm the same way, Bella - I talk to my mom at least once a week but I know if I didn't call her on Mother's Day she would be hurt.

That goes for Father's Day too - my father died from Alzheimer's and had no idea that I sent cards and pictures every year for Father's Day through the last year of his life - but I sent them anyway.

And speaking of Father's Day...

WOW HUSKER!

Very cool. Honestly though, I can't confess to being too surprised. That you're a good man and that people know this is not a shock!

I did not know that about yellow flowers!

By chance, I did plant yellow flowers (sunflowers) in my yard this year. I still need to get a few annuals to brighten the place up and I think I will choose yellow!

Interesting ... no history in the old world then! Mothering Sunday in March goes back centuries

I've really debated posting this but I am despairing in the true, dictionary sense of the word and I need some advice.

I looked for an old thread that related but it must have been on Abuzz because I couldn't find it. This one seemed like a close bet where I could kind of hide among friends so here goes....

Some of you might recall the big "Abuela" (spanish for grandmother, what Mo used to call me) "Mom" debate when Mo decided he wanted to call me mom. It was a very confusing time for all of us but Mo was pretty insistent. I talked to his doctor, I talked to my therapist (and later I talked to another therapist), I talked to his bio-parents, I talked to my lawyer, I talked to my family, and I talked to many of you about it. The unanimous decision was that his calling me "mom" was a good thing.

Several months ago, Mr. B reverted to speaking of me to Mo as "Abuela". I was dumbfounded and told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and that it was confusing to Mo. Mr. B disagreed. Soon, Mo began refering to me as Abuela when talking to Mr. B.

Thus began the disagreement that will not die. The disagreement that was once again ressurected this morning. I'll recount the conversation--

Mr B: About this abuela thing - My grandmother pretty much raised me and I always called her "Oma", not mom. Like you, she did everything a mom does but that didn't make her my mom.

Me: This is different, we're going to adopt Mo. To be called both grandmother and mother is not a good idea. People know what the word "Abuela" means. I don't want to spend the rest of my life explaining why I am called by both. Mo doesn't need to spend his life explaining why I am called both.

Mr. B: You don't get it, do you?

Me: No. I don't get it. Adopted children call their adopted parents mom and dad - adoptive parents are parents.

Mr. B: He still calles me "Pa", I don't have a problem with that.

Me: Some kids call their dads "Pa". It is non-specific, not like abula. It is very rare that he calls you Pa - he calls you dad and I refer to you as dad.

Mr. B: You really don't get it!?

Me: No!

Mr. B: Even if we adopt him, you will never be his mother - you didn't give birth to him, you CAN"T be his mother.

On that note, he left for work.

I sat here for a few hours nurturing this little seed of panic and hate and then I called my sister who said all the right things for a sister to say in their biased and devoted, known you forever way. Then I waited another hour before deciding to post here.

I am just lost.

Ack.

You recently talked about Mr. B's own history, the glamour parent, etc., and how he seems to have some really conflicted feelings about his own mom. I wonder if that's part of it -- to him, "mom" carries bad connotations, while variations of "grandma" carry good ones.

Obviously, his last sentence is wrong. We've talked a lot about mothering as a verb, but once you adopt Mo, it's beyond that, too. You'll be his mother, period, end of story.

In general, what comes to mind for me is that this is about his (Mr. B's) demons. His fear that you won't be able to actually adopt Mo, his issues with his mom. And that as such, he has to face those demons and deal with them.

"Mr. B: You really don't get it!?

Me: No!

Mr. B: Even if we adopt him, you will never be his mother - you didn't give birth to him, you CAN"T be his mother."

Is he saying that variations on the word mother are only allowed for biological mothers? If so, that's ridiculous and he's being an @sshole.