My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Good Job!

thank you

After I left and felt blue for some days. I've learned to cope. I joined a theater workshop and lots of toehr things that i like to do, without worrying about "always having to pick up my cell phone"...

What should I do now....??

My husband asks me (on e-mail)..."Can we meet for coffee? Just like before - when we were friends...can we start all over again? I want to learn to love you without trying to own you. Can we try this out?".

I havent replied as yet. I'm in good spirits. Feeling tempted to say yes. I feel like seeing him. But if saying yes means going back to being suffocated, i'd like to say no....i dont know what to do...

I wish I knew how to advise you, chin. How comfortable are you with being able to see the signs if it starts up again? Has his stability improved to the point that you're willing to start over again? I don't know, it's a tough call. I probably wouldn't take the risk but I'm not walking in your shoes and can only tell you what I might do.

Take care, chin. Keep us posted.

very well put JB. Chin, this is very much like a good counselor would say. "think about what is best for YOU, and then act accordingly."
Tour life right now is about you. I will not tell you how to decide, I will tell you that you must make a decsion and stick with it-right or wrong.

Keep us posted

Hey chinmayee_s... I haven't responded to this thread before but have been following along. In my own experiences I have learned that people don't change for the long term. He may tell you he wants to start over and he actually may be nice to you for a short while, but people are who they are and often don't change. If you do decide to go back to him just keep your eyes open and get out again if you see him resorting to his old behavior.

I've been reading along, too, chinmayee_s. And I don't like the idea of advising you to do one thing or the other, either. Just one thing, though - you've been doing so well recently. It'd be a shame to have a set-back so soon after starting to find your feet again. Think this request through carefully, OK? Good luck!

I can't advise one way or the other either, I know what I thought comeing into this thread but that doesn't matter now. I thought it might help if I tried to relate to your currently seperated husband. You say he is overly controling and affraid of looseing you but he knows that being manipulative of your life pushes you away. Sometimes in life with so much at stake it can be easier to fail because you messed up by your actions rather then deal with looseing out because there may be something wrong with you. It's easier to surround yourself in failure then live with your fault, it gives you an easy way out; to reason why you've lost something so important rather then face what may be wrong with you. The problem is that you focus so much towards avoideing what 'might' be wrong that you cause the problems which have a chance to not even exist if you could just forget about them.

You say that he overreacted when you took a taxi ride home, that he thought you were flirting with the taxi driver. This is a perfect example, he has two things he can do, one is not worry about it and accept that you truly love him or to create a catch 22 so he'll have an excuse for looseing you that isn't because of him, when it really is.

Fate made the choice easy for me......I had some urgent work that i had to do over the weekend - at work - so it was genuinely not possible for me to meet him. he might have thought i was making excuses..but that doesnt matter.

i wanted to err on the side of caution too and not meet him - i was only feeling tempted..



Yes Deler, he does create these catch-22 situations...I dont know why - maybe you're analysis of the situation is right... (if it is, i'd consider him quite mad)

I'm open and friendly with both men and women - he knows I have good friends of both sexes (some of them are common friends) and he's fine with all that. He knows i'm pretty cheerful and chatty even with autorickshaw drivers, vegetable vendors, etc... He has women friends too (again some of them are common friends).

It's all so normal (i cant belive he is putting on all this "normal" behavior).....yet, there are times when he insanely accuses me of cheating on him. As I said before he even has nightmares about me cheating him

That's good! A little more time to to recover & get stronger & stronger!

I don't know if I'd go so far as to call him mad. You'd be amazed, or perhaps not, at how huge a difference all of the little things in your life make, The way you sleep the order you go about your morning the way you view every insignificant thing adds to your day. If I remember correctly the two of you became involved rather quickly and got married not all that long after, when you compare the time you were friends to how long you were more then friends i'm sure it's quite a drastic change. You find yourself wondering why he creates these catch-22 situations all the time, well I would say it's because this is what he's been doing ever since he first became your friend. You became friends at an early age and even though most guys won't admit it he's probably dreamed of you since early on, we can't help it, no matter how simple of friends you may be the thought still crosses your mind and when you find yourself dreaming of someone who shouldn't or couldn't be in your life this way you have to come up with reasons they shouldn't or couldn't be in your life. He's had many years of practiceing these catch-22 situations, it's the only way he could be your friend as to reason your existance of nothing more through this. Well when things finaly and suddenly changed he had all of these built up, not all of which were happy, and was expected to all of a sudden erase this framework of you he had in his mind. Now he has so many reasons you aren't his and only one to tell him otherwise, the process of becomeing your close friend was a long one and becomeing your husband is even longer.

Maybe maybe you are right...I have no clue.... all this sounds extermely complicated though....I would never make out if such things going on in anyone's mind. I always liked him (and also needed his help whenever enginnering degree exams were nearing - he was my senior and very good at academics )...

I think the danger signs were there even in the short time when we were involved before we got married...but I didnt see it. He was different as a fiance - not like the friend I knew...I just didnt realize that this difference was dangerous.

Thanks all of you ...will keep you all posted, as usual.

Just checking in.

chinmayee SO proud of you!!

Just sending some love your way, Chin.

You do have a lot to be proud of. You're doing great! Every positive thing you do for yourself adds up; and each time you do something that reinforces just how important and wonderful you are to Yourself, the easier it will be to make good choices.

Enjoy your accomplishments. Your strength is showing.

Thanks a ton, kind people.

This morning i met my husband for breakfast....it was a bit weird to date my own husband. but it was nice really.

I told him about all the things I have been doing...he said he could not belive he actually stopped me from doing the things i like.
During this separation, when I have been doing as many things as i can, my husband has been pretty alone (introspecting i hope). He has read books and spent most of his time in office and has written several e-mails to me per day. The good thing is he has started his music all over again (something he neglected after marriage although i begged him not to negelect it - he is really good at it)....

I think he now realizes how self-destructive this relationship had led him to become. He said he has worked on telling himself that he can not let this relationship take over both our lives so completely..i was glad to hear these words coming out of him...and not me as usual. Of course one thing that hasnt changed is that he begged me to come back.

During this sepration, one thing has suffered (not being able to meet common friends/family/colleagues). We agreed that we would go to places together when other people invite us as a couple. It sounds weird (even to us) but i agreed with him that till w e decide what we're doing (going our separate ways, or staying together) we'll try and keep up our "couple" act...

chin- I am very worried about you. This morning, I read through this entire thread. One thing struck me. You have said, on numerous occasions, that your husband has nightmares about you cheating on him, or even leaving him.

Honey, that is not normal. No matter what a good "face" he attempts to put on for you, underneath it all, he is still the scared little boy who is frightened to death that you will leave him.

Please be careful, and whatever you do, don't get sucked up into the same situation that you had before. Remember, part of his seductiveness was his convincing you that he adored you so much. It is very heady for a woman to believe that her man adores her absolutely. But that is not love...........it is pathology.

Red flag! He is still obsessing over you, if he has been doing this. Make no mistake, the ability of an abuser to make you believe he has changed. This should not be looked at on a "small scale" basis. With open eyes, you will always be able to find a sign somewhere that he is not covering up.

His mind set is still WAY TOO FOCUSED on "you" and not himself.

Also.........please absorb that excellet post of Phoenix's

Chin,
I don't think you should put on an ACT for other people. Be open with your friends etc. Keep establishing your life. Let us know when he starts talking about what HE can do for YOU and not what he WANTS from you.
I would suggest you stay apart until he can funtion on his own with out you.
I have seen my wife for 10 days in the last 365 and I email her once or twice a day(unless something important is going on that needs more attention) and I phone he once a day so she knows I am safe. We function rather well apart and are even better together. I do not need her to exist(although I think I would lose my mind if something happened to her).
Please don't let your success be evaporated by him.

If you go back just be careful. I rememer when my mom went back. She said it would all be ok and that he had changed and that everything was wonderful now. The next beating was 100 times worse and the only thing that changed was that she got good at telling lies. To herself and to others. I found the fact that you said he loved you deeply interesting. All those nice things he does or says are only ways to fix what he does to you in his own mind. Tells himself look at all you have, look at all I do I'm not a bad guy. It's all a picture painted for others. Kind of like when you go to take a family picture and they all have you smile for the camera. Then you show that picture off and all say oh look what a happy family. Same goes with you. He dresses you in clothing and jewls then puts you out to the world look what a lucky lady she is. and as you are not telling anyone different, who will belive you when you do tell? Just make sure that you don't start trying to fix him so much that you even believe that he is fixed. even though he is far from it. Best luck to you. I am glad that you were able to get away. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that you will be able to get away when ever you want. because if he is truely sick he will make sure that you don't. Keep strong and safe.