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My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

 
 
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 11:02 pm
There is victory in that strength and you will find it, my friend! You will be set free and go on to become the young woman that you were meant to be.

chinmayee_s ....please try to move out when he is not home. At the very least, let there be someone of law there to protect you. Moving out can be a very dangerous time if not done properly. Don't be afraid to leave.....just make sure you are protected. Stay somewhere that you will be safe. Do not allow him to see you physically, for awhile. If you must speak with him, do it via email. Don't let him know where you are.

There are many places online that offer support groups for victims of domestic violence. I can set you up with some of them, if you like. I wish your country had more shelters and more resources for counselling.

Please stay on the forum and let us know how it goes for you this weekend.

MUCH LOVE~ I will stay in touch.



I stand and wipe the tears from my eyes

No one knows, no one to realize...

The home I live in is not safe

The bruises are hid and not on my face...

The pain inside, I hide so well

No friends for me, no one to tell...

With family away and will never see

For I keep the secret deep inside of me...

Hiding the pain and living a lie

Never complain and try not to cry...

A part of me dies with each new mark

I'm so afraid as I stand in the dark...

No longer can I take the pain

I am not the one to blame...

This love hurts and should not be

God please send an angel for me...



~ Mattie Deaton 2001 ~
0 Replies
 
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 05:48 am
Eva wrote:
BorisKitten wrote:
Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.


Maybe, but I prefer to think that some people just don't know HOW to love.


Yep, that's the problem. Where we see a need to possess an object, they see love.

It's their calling it love that so confuses women, and maybe it's part of what makes women stay a lot longer than they should. How many times have we heard, But He Loves Me So Much? WE know this isn't love, but the women involved seem to think Love is Love....it's not!

Remember Brooke saying her former partner used to go on about how much he Loved Her? I think he really believed it! It's just too awful. How could a woman in this situation NOT be confused?

Chinmayee_s, I hope you DO get out to a safe place. Our hearts are with you.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 08:13 am
BorisKitten wrote:


Remember Brooke saying her former partner used to go on about how much he Loved Her? I think he really believed it! It's just too awful. How could a woman in this situation NOT be confused.


This is going to sound funny, but when I met him, the thing that stood out the most to me, were not his looks...but his gentleness, and his kind, loving ways. He treated other people with the utmost of respect. He couldn't hug me enough or tell me he loved me enough. He loved to cuddle. We could sit down and talk to each other for hours and never run out of things to talk about. He totally made me feel loved to a great degree. Even AFTER the abuse started, he would still revert back to his loving ways. it was very confusing. During that time is when I started to doubt myself. It was more of a "What's wrong with me?" instead of what's wrong with him.

When he was gentle....he was EXTREMELY gentle.

When he was abusive....he was EXTREMELY abusive.

Somewhere...I just stopped "thinking" and "feeling"..it was easier that way.
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 08:56 am
How are things going Chinmayee_s?
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 08:59 am
I realize I am jumping in after you have gotten lots of advice already. Let me agree with everyone that this is classic abuser. But before you throw the relationship away you might want to try one thing. See if your husband will get counseling. I would suggest it for him, for you and for both of you together.
For him - because he needs it.
For you - because you need it (to fight what he is doing) and it will be a very real threat if he wants to control you
For the two of you together - So someone can see you together and how you act toward each other.

If he is willing to do counseling there may be hope for him. Don't worry, he won't blind a trained professional with his "nice" act. Counseling may help him learn how to act in a relationship if he is really willing. If not, the counselor will recognize it and keep at him.

If he refuses to get counseling then end it now.

If he starts counseling then stops without changing how he acts, end it.
DO NOT buy his whining that the counselor is "out to get him."

Maybe if you are lucky, he can learn how to deal with his own insecurities and will love you without the need to control you. You can give him a second chance but no third, fourth, fifth.....

My personal recommendation is that you move out while you start counseling because that will break his control. But that is a decision best left to you and whoever you see.
0 Replies
 
duce
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 09:04 am
Eva wrote:
BorisKitten wrote:
Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.


Maybe, but I prefer to think that some people just don't know HOW to love.



Is that not what Boris said?
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 09:27 am
Chinmayee,

I don't believe you have mentioned which country you are from. We have all given advice based on our own experiences in our own society. While an abuser is an abuser no matter where they live, how others view it can make your life good or bad.

Do you live in a patriarchal society that says a husband owns his wife or are you considered equals?

My point is, you need a support system to help you through this. If you don't have one where you live then we will have to be it online.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 09:43 am
parados wrote:
But before you throw the relationship away you might want to try one thing. See if your husband will get counseling. I would suggest it for him, for you and for both of you together.
For him - because he needs it.
For you - because you need it (to fight what he is doing) and it will be a very real threat if he wants to control you
For the two of you together - So someone can see you together and how you act toward each other.

If he is willing to do counseling there may be hope for him. Don't worry, he won't blind a trained professional with his "nice" act. Counseling may help him learn how to act in a relationship if he is really willing. If not, the counselor will recognize it and keep at him.

If he refuses to get counseling then end it now.

If he starts counseling then stops without changing how he acts, end it.
DO NOT buy his whining that the counselor is "out to get him."

Maybe if you are lucky, he can learn how to deal with his own insecurities and will love you without the need to control you. You can give him a second chance but no third, fourth, fifth.....

My personal recommendation is that you move out while you start counseling because that will break his control. But that is a decision best left to you and whoever you see.


I don't agree that she should stay with him if he agrees to pursue counseling. The first thing she needs to do is remove herself from his control. Once she's safe, she can encourage him to get counseling but his pattern of being everywhere she is runs very deep and it will take a significant amount of time before counseling can help him be less controlling. In the meantime her safety, even life, is at risk.

I do agree that counseling will help her cope with the changes and risks she is facing. She does need all the emotional support she can get and a counselor can certainly help her in that regard.


chinmayee_s, I hope you are able to find a safe place to move to this weekend. Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing.
0 Replies
 
duce
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 11:36 am
Change is hard enough if you want to---and virtually IMPOSSIBLE if you don't.
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Eva
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 12:35 pm
duce wrote:
Eva wrote:
BorisKitten wrote:
Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.


Maybe, but I prefer to think that some people just don't know HOW to love.



Is that not what Boris said?


With all respect, duce, no...it isn't. I was speaking of the difference between love as a noun and love as a verb. Some people have feelings of love (as a noun), but don't know how to behave (verb). So their relationships are always messed up.

Is that more clear?
0 Replies
 
duce
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 01:50 pm
Grammar Aside:

Either way the Other party gets HURT, cause Verb, Noun or Adverb--

Love is a 2-way street and You can not be married by yourself.

Those who marry or participate in relationships under either circumstance you or Boris describe are painful partners.

And when I really think about it, I have never known someone who did not "love" something except for a few sociopaths.
0 Replies
 
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 10:14 pm
Eva wrote:
duce wrote:
Eva wrote:
BorisKitten wrote:
Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.

Maybe, but I prefer to think that some people just don't know HOW to love.

Is that not what Boris said?


With all respect, duce, no...it isn't. I was speaking of the difference between love as a noun and love as a verb. Some people have feelings of love (as a noun), but don't know how to behave (verb). So their relationships are always messed up.

Is that more clear?


Eva, you're absolutely right. I did mean to say that this man THINKS he loves her, but he is not CAPABLE of love.

I don't think I was clear enough, saying: "Part of the trouble with men like this is, they really believe they love the woman, and of course the woman believes them."

Then, trying to make myself clear, I said: "Yep, that's the problem. Where we see a need to possess an object, they see love. It's their calling it love that so confuses women, and maybe it's part of what makes women stay a lot longer than they should. How many times have we heard, But He Loves Me So Much? WE know this isn't love, but the women involved seem to think Love is Love....it's not!"


I think this is all hard to understand even for a native speaker of English like myself. I'm afraid we might have lost chinmayee_s a while back. If so, we're sorry! We didn't mean to confuse you.

My mother said a long time ago, "Just because a man says he loves you doesn't mean it's a good idea to have him in your life."
My point is just that, based on the title of this thread: He THINKS he loves you, he TRULY BELIEVES he loves you, but he does NOT know what love is. Of course you're confused! Heck, I'm confused! It's all nasty and difficult. Just remember what my mother said.

Please check back with us, chinmayee_s, just to let us know you're OK.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Fri 18 Feb, 2005 10:32 pm
BorisK, you are so smart, I am listening to your mother. Doesn't hurt to hear that at any age.
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Eva
 
  1  
Sat 19 Feb, 2005 01:05 am
BorisKitten, I think we're on the same wavelength. It strikes me that some people don't really know what love is. Maybe they didn't grow up with good examples, or maybe "love" is the only word they know for intense feelings of desire.

Duce is right...either way, they make very painful partners. Either they've never experienced what love really is, or they're not "emotionally intelligent." Whichever is the case, they are simply not equipped for successful relationships.

Here's the best definition of love I've ever read. I'm sure you're familiar with it.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

So, chinmayee_s, if this does not describe your husband, then what you have is NOT love.

I'm sorry.
0 Replies
 
OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Sun 20 Feb, 2005 12:31 pm
Sending a virtual hug --> (((( Chinmayee_s ))))
Be strong Chinmayee. There are lots of us men out there who could NEVER hit a woman and you deserve one of those. It isn't a will/won't question; it's a can/can't question. From everything I've heard and read, we never, ever, switch teams. Listen to the people here and maybe you'll be the one rare exception that gets out before it gets super ugly. Or, it will... because it always does. I sure hope you have already left over this weekend. (((( chinmayee_s ))))
0 Replies
 
Charms
 
  1  
Mon 21 Feb, 2005 08:19 am
HI (((( Chinmayee_s ))))

I can relate to what you are going through in a way.

My husband and I were married for 9 months when he abused me one day out of the blue. Lucky for me it didn't happen again since then (almost 2 month ago), but I am still weary of him and even though I do not fear him, I will always remember the pain, confussion and hurt I felt after he abused me. I can only hope that the councelling he is getting at the moment will prevent it from ever happening again.

I know exactly how you feel, you cannot believe that the love of your life is treating you this way!!!! It really hurts, and the only person who can make it beter is you my darling! You have to weigh your options and decide once and for all what is best for YOU! and no-one else! Who else is crying your tears but you?

Good luck to you babes!
0 Replies
 
OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Mon 21 Feb, 2005 08:35 am
Hi Charms! Glad to hear everything still going smooth for you... and that hubby is still in treatment. Good for you darlin!
(((( Charms ))))
0 Replies
 
Charms
 
  1  
Tue 22 Feb, 2005 04:18 am
HI ((OCCOM BILL)), thanks! Yes, things are much beter now.... it was the hardest time in my life and A2K got me through it...... Smile
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sakhi
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 06:06 am
Hi all
Hi all,

Thank you all for your support. The weekend afer my last post, I left home and went to stay with a group of working women friends. Every single day my husband came to office and begged me to come back. I expected this. I was strong for a week. Now I'm back with him. Most of you will propably be disappointd in me and will probably fear for me.

We had a long talk and he's promised not to abuse - either verbally or physically. i gave him a printout of brooke's findings on abuse. he was a bit shaken.

Two things have changed after I left home:

1) My husband has realised that I'm strong enough to leave him and carry on with my life as usual. That ( i hope) has made him realize that I'm stronger than he thinks. Till now, no more outbursts of the abusive kind.
(Though i wonder why he is so SCARED at the thought of me leaving him)

2) I have become stronger and, in a way, colder. My husband used to my
"everything" to me. MY emotional anchor. Not any longer.

Will this help me? Wil my relationship last? I really dont know. Apologies for such a delayed post. And thanks for the support and all the useful info.
0 Replies
 
goodfielder
 
  1  
Wed 30 Mar, 2005 06:34 am
I think you're taking a risk here. I don't mean to be insulting but your husband isn't a man, he's a very scared little boy and very scared little boys can be very dangerous. That's why he is scared of your leaving him.

Perhaps he suffered from emotional abandonment as a child from one or both parents. Not that that is an excuse for his current behaviour - there is no excuse. I'm thinking of reasons.

If he perceives you as being strong enough to walk out that will make him even more scared and desperate. For your own safety don't make any threats to walk out, just do it when he's not home. If you make a threat he will perceive it as a gambit and then either try to wheedle his way around you (like a child) or he will strike out at you - also like a child, but a child in a man's body.

I'm not over-dramatising this. In my work I've seen many women badly assaulted - and worse - by husbands/boyfriends in just this situation.

I'm not trying to give you relationship advice, just advice about your pesonal safety.

That's about all I can do, I wish I knew more.
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