My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

I'm worried too, chin. Those before me wrote excellent posts. Please read them a few times and really mull it over.

It is very easy to slide back into old patterns. The fact that you have been doing so well for yourself and taking a strong stand is wonderful; but you are now in a very dangerous spot. You are still vulnerable. All the good things you have been enjoying; the new freedom, the lessening of fear, time to yourself are at risk. Please do not be fooled.

I don't know if you will relate to this; but your situation makes me think of the middle stretch of a marathon. Many people give up, don't put in as much effort, and let their form slacken during the middle. They do this because they are getting tired, they are still not able to see the end in sight, and the sense of getting that far in the run lulls them into believing they can let up. However, that is where the champions pay the most attention. It can make or break the run. You need to stay strong and vigilant right now. His words and presence is most tempting right now; just allow yourself to recognize it, but don't get pulled into the game again!

Keep alert, chin. I can not personally say I know how tough it is to be going through this, but babblingbrook does. All of us here have your back. You can do this. Please take care and let us know how you're doing.

Thanks ((((phoenix, brooke, flushd)))) for the timely words of caution... As phoenix says, i guess it's easy to get flattered with the attention....



All our close friends/family know we are estranged though neither of us talk about the reasons or details. We thought we will put up an act in front of colleagues and extended family - to just perform our social obligations.....it's a bit difficult to tell everyone we're separated. Especially when we (i, actually) haven't even made a decision which way we are going.

There's a festival in January - Makara Sankranthi - his aunt and cousins are visiting them. They know about our estrangement, they want to meet me though, they are all kind, loving people. I do not know how to refuse. I know how to say no to them if they ask me to get back with him. But i find it difficult to reject the kind invitation.

As for him doing things for me, he has always been doing that - never been an issue. Even this time, he had come with reading material for a technical exam that i'm taking. He asks a lot of MY wants much more than HIS wants. His only single (unsaid) want was (and probably is, even now) that I be in his control. His controlling, (sometimes cloying) ways are what I find difficult to live with.


I read this at least 5 times. I guess that's mature secure love...best wishes, ralph, and thanks.

hii..
well i'am from bangalore, INDIA... my fiancee has the same problem of being abusive in his anger but treats me like a QUEEN otherwise.. he regrets and has proposed a way to get rid of it by visiting a consultant or a psychotherapist. so chin, can u plzzzzz give me conatact nos. n details of few people that can help him recover this condition...

thanks
chess

hello chess, Please be careful - it would do you good to listen to the posters who have advised me so well.

As for contact/ph no.s - i do not think it is right to post contact details on this public thread. Unfortunately, i can't PM you yet. Get in touch with NIMHANS - for contact numbers of psychiatrists/therapists.

please!!! not nihmans. i'am askin for details of the psych. is your husband getting consultancy from nimhans. plzz.. i can never send him there. the treds are okk. but i prefer to suffer with him rather then suffering with out him. alrite.. !! i love him. its a disease that will cure with time.any other palce other then nimhans. plz let me know..
thanks

chess,

As for the therapist/counsellor I went to, I do not wish to give out their name/contact over the internet. And I cannot publish my e-mail id here.

The National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences is a reputed institution and hospital - it's not where "mad" people go and get "admitted" for life..or any such thing. Please look at:
http://www.nimhans.kar.nic.in/
http://www.nimhans.kar.nic.in/psychiatry.htm
Anyway, I was only asking you to get in touch with NIMHANS for contact numbers of leading psychiatrists in the city.

Good luck.

thanks chin...
can u give me the fees structure as well. thats important. how much will it cost for the consultancy fees. do they provide any meditation or yoga exercise for the mind to stay calm and relax one self when geting excited in anger.

thanks but chin. my advice is not to leave ur partner. i know its hard to stay with the abuse but still.. its hard to leave a partner that u dream to hold life long. perhaps he is doing a bad thing by abusing but still he does not do it on purpose.try to understand his situation as well. get a book "MEN FROM MARS AND WOMAN FROM VENUS".
it shows how men basically behave when they angry, they even express anger in tension, fear, depression and excitement. but still he should learn to control his abusive language and show love and care even to us then.
we are indians not western culture to change our partners!! but when it gets over the head, yes then thats the ideal solution. when the matter is worse and cant be solved. then.. not oterwise dear. plzzzz think..

all i can say is this much. hope u underastand
bye
good luck

chess,
sometimes diseases kill instead of curing with time. staying with someone difficult is one thing, staying with an abuser, is a whole different cup of coffee. and that should have nothing to do with who comes from where, whether india, africa, or lalaland. i am from slovakia, where divorces are nowhere near as common as in the Western countries, but I would never ever advice anyone to stay with an abusive husband. it's a threat to health, if not to your very life. we are creators of our own happiness. happiness is in one's head and if you let someone else ruin it, it is your choice. it doesn't reside in marriage, in status, in money, or in what others think. chin has shown remarkable strength, maturity, and thoughtfulness, her advice is invaluable.

(btw, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" is as Western a book as they get...;-) )

Yes, you know how to refuse. You simply say, "Sorry, I can't make it". You are not obliged to make any excuses. By going, you are keeping up the illusion that you and your husband are still together, even though the relatives know that the two of you are estranged.

Relatives often muddy the waters. After all, they have only seen the good side of your husband. I remember, when I was divorcing my first husband, (not for abuse, just extreme incompatability) an aunt of MINE took me aside. She chewed my ear off for a half hour, telling me what a nice guy that my husband is, and telling me that I was stupid for divorcing him. The problem was, she did not have to live with him!

Chess, I must say this.
Men are from earth, women are from earth. All that other book does is streotypes men and women. And, contrary to popular belief, westerners don't just change out partners. What we do is analyze if marriage that is turbulant is worth the struggle to maintain, or and most importantly, will I lose some thing very important if I stay ie: sanity, self esteem, life.
There are people all across the world who bail at the first sign of trouble. There are also too many murdered women who have stuck around in a marriage that was bad to begin with.
We have been with Chin since she first posted her problems. She has received advice from all walks of life. She has reviewed the information and taken the steps that have best helped her and we all applaud her courage.
If you are willing to give us all the information about you and your relationship, we too would suggest things to you based on what you tell us. You seemed to develop a wall as soon as Chin made a suggestion. That tells me that you may not be willing to make the sacrafices that Chin has.

Oh, welcome to A2K

Chess My mother thought alot like you . Know where she is? Dead. She belived like you that you don't leave your husband for any reason. He loved her so much, loved her to death. Oh and wait till you have kids and he loves them in the same way. What will you tell them when he feels loving and beats them? Anger is not LOVE? NO male of female EVER has the right to put their hands on you regardless of where you are from. I understand that things are different there where you are. Even though I live here in the states I still have my culture and I know of there ways. I wish you girls could really know what LOVE Is. What you are calling love is not right. you are not in your right mind when you say. He hits me but he loves me. He gets angry but he gives me things. You even say you can't live with out him. You need help just as much if not more than he does.

Hi, Chess,

This is not to start a debate on Indian vs. Western culture & lifestyles. I'm your fellow Indian, and I've been through what Chinmayee (and you, it seems) are going through. But I just have to say this to you - maybe it will make sense in some way. You are not in an enviable position right now, like I said - I have first-hand experience. Please do read through this thread - Chinmayee has done so wonderfully well. And I'm sure you'll see how tough it's been for her as well. There is a wealth of good advice here, which might help you in your situation as well.

Have you ever thought about why, in our country, we venerate women in forms of Durga, Kaali or as the ubiquitous 'Ma' in our movies. One is a powerful image of the just, vengeful Mother Goddesses, warriors no less. The other is the self-sacrificing, weeping Mother of our movies. While we worship Durga and Kaali, invoking them for protection, we Indian women are really raised to be/think like the movie mothers (or wives or sisters). Self-sacrificing, always putting everyone in the world before us. Why should a woman have to do that? Why do you perceive it as wrong to want to do what is best for yourself? Whether you take the vows of marriage in church or around the fire, you promise the same things - commitment, love, fidelity, protection. When you abuse your partner, in my mind, you shatter each & every one of those vows.

You are right, it is not in our culture to 'change partners' - our society makes it very hard for women to live respectably as individuals in their own right, on their own terms. "There must be something wrong with her." But you know what, those things are changing. You probably see it more than most places in India, in Bangalore, where educated young women are earning well, making their lives, independent in their thought and lifestyles. I'm so proud of them. Just like Chinmayee, I'm proud of her too.

Chess, it NOT wrong to want to do what is right to you. Living in fear is WRONG...waiting for the next 'episode' to happen. It's wrong, and it is wasteful. Chess, YOU are important. Your life is meaningful. You deserve to be happy. You have potential, you have goals, dreams, aspirations - there is so much more to life. Living with abuse drains you of it all. Don't.

I'm sorry for the rant, it's just something that I've learned the hard way. But I am so thankful for this lesson. I have so much more respect for myself and for others in my life because of it. I also want to tell you that I divorced my abusive first husband. I am now married to a gentle, kind, wonderful person, and we have a precious baby daughter. My life is radically different from what it used to be a few years back, and I'm very grateful for it.

That said, it's terrific that your fiance is ready to go for counseling. Good luck to you, Chess, I hope that things will work out for you.

Hi, Chinmayee,

Sorry for the long rant earlier - didn't mean to hijack your thread.

I wanted to say to you also that I totally agree with the red flag Brooke raised. It's not a good sign that he's writing so many emails to you. Her term - 'obsessing' - sounds pretty accurate to me as well. Please continue to be careful - you've come so far and you've done v. v. well.

...quite true. I'll skip the festival. If they really insist on meeting me, I'll suggest a lunch/dinner at a restaurant and will meet them by myself and ensure that my husband is not there.


Chess, that's true. You will have no peace of mind when you live with an abusive person.



Glad you found happiness, Heatwave... no, you werent ranting when you pointed out the double standards in our culture...If I decide to divorce my husband, i know a lot of people are going to be appalled at the idea of a 24-year old woman, already divorced...but I'm not too bothered about such things. And I'm quite thankful to the people around me who have remained as friendly as before to me (and with my husband too since they're common friends)..

chinmayee_s

Having just read the last few posts, it strikes me that your father must be an extraordinary, caring person to have supported you so strongly in your situation. How is his health now? I hope he's stronger.

The other thing that hits me is that the internet is such an amazing tool! I, too, have received support & comfort from people I have never actually met & it's been an enormous help. Amazing, when you think of it!

Hang in there, you're doing so well!

Thanks msloga, my dad is fine ....knowing he's there is of great comfort to me.

I didnt expect to find help and such sound advice from people I've never met. But I have, and I'm grateful for it.

I was just reading heatwave's initial post - the similarities are quite uncanny, Heatwave.

You decide to relocate because you thought you might waver after hearing his convincing pleas for reconciliation....However, I cant relocate right now - so I need to be strong and not get carried away....

chin,

I'm glad you are giving second thoughts about presenting a happy face to your husband's relatives. The strain of doing so for the sake of appearances would likely take a large toll.

I also would like to respond to chess's thoughts about culture differences. While I do not pretend to understand the cultural norms of India, I would be shocked to learn that a woman in today's world would be expected by her culture to remain in a relationship that was abusive, be it physically or emotionally abusive. The idea of loving someone to death is not restricted to physical death. The killing of one's spirit is equally fatal when one considers living a life that is empty of joy. Being on guard constantly, worrying about every move or action, and wondering what might trigger the next outburst - even if the outburst isn't physical - is no way to live.

chess, Welcome to A2K. I hope your situation improves and you are able to come to a healthy place in your relationship. When I first read your post my thoughts ran to the concept that it could have been written by chin's husband. It seemed to take the position of 'it's not as bad as you're making it out to be'. I don't think that is your intent, but it's the way it came across to me. I don't think any of us can truly know what chin has faced. Each situation is unique, although there are generalities that occur within abusive relationships. We have tried to advise chin on her particular situation, taking her comments and opinions into account. If you would like feedback on your situation from the group, you only have to ask and I'm sure the responses will be slightly different, although probably similar, to what we have posted to chin. We try to take each individual poster's position into account with our replies.

_Heatwave_, your post was very helpful to me as well in giving me some understanding of the cultural norms of India. I too appreciate your response.

I changed my username to a pseudonym - that was my real name and I realized it comes up on google searches....



They say they want to meet me irrespective of whatever's happening. I guess they will accept the lunch/dinner suggestion if I refuse to go there for the festival and suggest that instead.



Cultural norms in India are pretty complex - I dont claim to fully understand them either. The double standards for women that Heatwave already mentioned is one real issue - which India still face.

Divorce is still a stigma among the religious (though I do not believe Hindu dharma itself ever looked upon women as inferior). Orthodoxy/religiousness and lower status for women seem to go hand-in-hand. Just my thoughts - from what I have seen.

I'm just lucky to be surrounded by people who are open and unorthodox yet even such people still belive in the "sanctity of marriage". The constant advice here is never to give up on your marriage - they'd give the same advice to men also. I believed in this too...guess I still do, to some extent..but not at the cost of totally losing out on my independence and feeling suffocated all my life.

I'm quite proud of you, sakhi. Keep up the good work!

((((((sakhi)))))

[SOME THINGS ARE JUST NON NEGOTIABLE;PHYSICAL ABUSE IS ONE OF THEM