My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Maybe it's because he loves me too much or maybe it's becuase i didnt see the danger signs early enough.
I didnt see it coming becuase i didnt know what "abusuve behavior" was...i understood it only after i spoke to you all on a2k..brooke's experience helped a great deal.

(btw, i have been reading other threads on abusive husbands....my husband never called me ugly or lazy or stupid or anything like that)....

As for our marriage counsellor (we have finshed our first round of sessions with her), i really dont know whether to take her advice or not....(btw, i found her not my husband)...here's why (now this is going to be a LONG post, im sorry)

She suggested that i do NOT leave my husband - said it will worsen the situation. i chose not to listen to her. She recounted (probably) our first big fight back to me (she had heard both of our versions on this one) and said i should "understand" the problem pattern.

Sample:....when we were newly married, i once worked late and therefore came home by a cab instead of coming with my husband. i misdirected the cab driver into taking a wrong turn, lost my way and turned up at home 30 mins late. since i had realized id be late i had called and told my husband (who had come home early becuase he was unwell). he angrily hung up. after i came home, he says things like "i cant trust you to take a cab and come home straight. i should have waited for you and brought you back home. yes i should have done that. i will never again let you take a cab. i will drop you everywhere. it does not matter if i reach my office or not. i will drop you EVERYWHERE. even if i lose my job it doesnt matter. do you know how tense i was? What the $&$$ do you think you think you are doing..."

i remind him that i was always reachable on my cellphone...but he does not listen. "i just lose my head when you do things like this. you are ruining my life. yes thats what you want to do. ruin me...you've just $$&^ed by life" then starts the supicion... "did you like the compnay of that cab driver so much that you wanted to stay for longer??" and so on...

i try and tell him to stop when he doesnt, i'm losing my cool too and it makes me want to run away from there. (now, this is where and why it goes to the next level). i want to get away for a while so i try to walk out of the door. he pulls me back (hurts me in the process) asks me where im going. i tell him i do not like anyone talking to me like that and want to be alone for a while - i want to take a walk.

he says "oh you want to go away from me???" i harshly say "yes, i will not stand abuse/foul language, least of all from you". and it goes on...the verbal and physical abuse. (then of course at the end, come the apologies)

the counsellor says that i should note that the physical abuse starts when i try to leave the scene. I have (after being subject to verbally abuse) tried to run away from him and our house, ive said that i regret marrying him..etc She accepts that these are natural reactions from my end. she even said that it's great ive never counter-abused him. But she said me trying to leave him is biggest fear and im fuelling it by doing this. She said if i want to help him at all i need to reassure him that i will never ever leave him. She says he has recurring nightmares about me leaving him (thats true i knew that). She said once our relationship grows stronger he will be less insecure and things will get better. Meanwhile, she said, she will help him manage his anger.

I told her i need a break and that i would leave him for some time for both our sakes. And here i am. He is still going to therapists - her and one more person.

You need another therapist.

she is supposedly the best in the city..and as i said, i foud her in the first place. i cant find another good replacement. so i thought i'd let my husband continue. I've moved out, against her advice.

J_B, I went to the doctor who treated my friend fordepression and he told i was not clinically depressed. He checked hormone levels and the rest. Said everything was normal. Said his guess is that it's a chronic condition - fibromyalgia, which often is triggered by a personal trauma. Said magnesium levels in my body were abysmally low. He has given me some calcium and mineral supplement tablets. Hope i feel better.

An abuser doesn't become violent because he's insecure--he becomes violent because he wants to be in control.

You are not required to reassure your husband that you "will NEVER EVER leave him." He needs to know that you will NOT tolerate verbal and physical abuse and that YOU WILL LEAVE HIM.

chin,
I really wish I could give you a big hug. I'm so sorry about your dad. I am glad he is okay. But you sister, I am concerned about. You've got so much on your plate. It really is amazing how well you are keeping up. I truly hope you feel better soon and that the vits and mineral supplements work.

I gotta say I get a lil angry and sad reading about your situation. The people in your life seem more concerned about your hubby than you; and that just isn't right. I agree that your therapist sounds like a bad deal. I really hope you can find someone else; someone who can just focus on YOU.

You are an amazing woman. I am so glad you posted here and are looking at other sites/resources about abuse. There are a lot of us rooting for you. You deserve to be happy and well.

Take care.

right, i agree. my husband realized that it was he who had a problem only when i actually walked out of the relationship.

Thanks so much, flushd ...hugs to you too..><.

oh, posting here has been such a great help...

work keeps me very busy. and im trying to get involved in things i like as much as i can.

Our dear, sweet, chin ....... My abuser never abused before abusing me, either. In the beginning I was showered with love and affection. Made to feel like a princess. A truely loved one. Just as I'm sure you were.

In hindsight, I now know that the signs were always there. Regardless of any past abuse or not, on his part, he was a ticking time bomb. Just as yours was/is.

You left. You are an inspiration for women, everywhere.

Your husband got angry with you, not because you made a mistake and gave the taxi driver wrong directions. His anger was simply born of that one act. His anger was really because he lost control of you for awhile. He didn't know where you were at, and God forbid if you were with another man. And in his mind you were!

Your therapist tells you that your husbands biggest fear is your leaving him. That you are fueling that fear everytime you walk away from his anger. While I do agree that most abusers DEEPLY fear the victim will leave ..... I do not see that as a reason to stay. I do not see how reasurring him that you will never leave....is going to make him more secure. He's an abuser. He won't believe you, no matter how much say you will never leave. And if anything, STAYING will not help him at all. It only feeds the abuse, by feeding his need to control. Your husband has bad issues that are deeply seeded inside of him....that are his responsibility to deal with.

In the meantime, my friend, carry on. Love yourself for the person that you are. Protect yourself, doing whatever it takes. There is only one you in this great big world. And you are pretty darn special.

Hey Sweetie. You are a beautiful young woman and I went through the same thing you are going through. It's hard I know, to leave someone you love but honey, get out while you can because more than less he isn't going to change. In my relationship similar to yours, my ex husband got worse and he put me in the hospital 4 times within 3 months. SOmetimes you gotta let the ones you love go. It's for the best.

Chin,
I realy hope you leave that counselor. She seems like a space cadet. I hope you keep your spirits up and that you continue to make strong and good decisions.
As you have found out, abuse is not always physical. The mental and emotional abuse are there first. And no, he doesn't need to call you ugly. He started his abuse and control with you by making sure that HE took you to work and that HE picked you up. And that HE couldn't trust you to take a taxi.
I have seen lots of females I know in my life be abused in the same way. No matter ho much the evidence is brought forth, they don't want to see it or hear it.
I am proud of you for taking the steps to recognize that there is a problem and stepping forward to take control of your life. Hopefully everything will work out for the best. And either this marriage works the way a good one should, or you move on and find a better man who knows how to treat you.

realpheb, I also suggested she find another counselor, but chin claims "she's the best."

From my perspective, this counselor puts chin's life at risk, and that is the bottom line. Her counselor seems to have very limited universal experience about spousal abuse. From what chin has told us about her husband's abuse, any counselor outside of India will probably suggest she leave her abusive husband. Excusing her husband's abuse is unforgivable. How much abuse does her counselor expect chin to allow?

The counseller is way off of my keyboard, but.. I speak from halfway across the world. Chin told us she is in the modern part of India, but this counseller seems to be living in the subregion to that. Not to knock her re her sphere, but that from here, with all our sad knowledge of patterns, she is still in a learning curve.

I have been quiet since Chin lives in a different place from me. Any advice I might cheerfully toss forth to a woman in my immediate environs might leave chin shunned by family, and so on. I don't know.

I've only known three people from india well. One was a young woman from Goa who had already worked as a secretary in Egypt and Australia before she showed up in Los Angeles. Thirty years later she is middle class suburban woman in the LA area, still with a lot of verve to her personality. But... she was way more liberated as to a woman's sense of what she can do, than, say, the counsellor is.

And my teacher for advanced design studio thesis time was a fellow from Delhi who has been involved in a lot of the world's major transportation design. He was fairly traditional, married someone the family chose, but to all I could see, really loved his wife.

The third is a high powered woman attorney in Los Angeles who married an architect. She was not born in india but in Canada. If anything, she is more savvy about all these issues than even myself (I say, tongue in cheek).

So I am not clear on how much to say to Chin, just plain leave, girl. That is my thought, has always been my thought, but I don't know Chin's environment or power to survive on the leaving.

Given, Chin, that you can leave and survive, I would not be zeroing in on your husband improving. I'd be gone.
For me it is a matter of self respect, but, then, I am from here. I know you love him and regard him softly as underneath being a good person.
I suspect you are right, that he is not some kind of personification of evil.
But -- he is not going to be a sustaining mate for your life (in my opinion).

Yes Brook...right as usual. My love for him makes me waver sometimes. Though i must confess i miss living with him, i feel so much better (mentally, physically) now that im away from him.



I'm not terribly worried about the repurcussions of divorce/separation. I'm quite sure no one will shun either of us. There will be questions, disbelief...but societal pressures is not what made me stay still now.

I've stayed so far with him depite the abuse and control, as i have probably said before, the happiest moments of my life have been with him. I didnt want to give up on all that without trying to help him. It was hard for me to (it is still hard) to tell myself that all the bonding and loving..all those beautiful things mean nothing and that we are not for each other.



Right. That sounds sensible...though i want to keep away from men - atleast right now thats how i feel. Maybe I shouldnt have married so young. My friends are all just living their life yet without the thought of marriage yet....

Thank you all again..it's easy to wish myself back with him what with him trying to contatc me everyday...but it wont help, i realize that. I'll first rebuild my life..and then other things.

Good to hear that, Chin. You had said before that you were in a modern environment. I was "thrown off" by what seems to be the counseller's views.

Me too!

the week is looking bright becuase -
i got an award at work!! they just announced it this morning. I wasnt expecting it at alllll....

Wonderful!

YEAH!!!!!

Congrats, Chin. I'm sure you deserved it!

CONGRATS CHIN!! That's fantastic!

chin, CONGRATULATIONS!