My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Thu 17 Feb, 2005 06:04 am
We have been married for a few months now, and in all these days, my husband has been very loving (to a fault) and affectionate but there are times when he fights with me and turns verbally and physically abusive.

Let me explain why i say he loves me to a fault:

1) Goes to great lengths to ensure that he's with me on all events that matter to me - such as a job interview, good friend's wedding etc.
2) Does nice things and shows affection to the people i love - my dad, my friends
3) Spends a LOT of money on my clothes, jewelry etc even though i ask him not to.

His verbal/physically abusive behavior:

1) Example: He once bought me a sleeveless top. He asked me to try it on and show it to him. Since my dad had come home visiting, this thing slipped out of my mind. My husband reminded me to wear it. All I said was - "later". Instantly he got angry. After my dad left all hell broke loose. He started by telling me "I dont have the slightest regard for his feelings"...and went on to break his own mobile phone, hit me and hit himself also...
2) He finds fault with me very often. He also often blames me if something goes wrong. It doesnt always become abusive/violent. but he gets angry.

(Btw, we do not too many marriage counsellors in my country)

Now, what should I do? Last night, we had a particularly violent time. He apologized for hurting me and said he would never do it again. But I want to leave him. But I really do love him and he is everything to me. What do you all think? Should i stay with him and try to help him change?
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material girl
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 06:30 am
He obviously has issues in his head beyond anything negative that marriage can bring.

Its not a one off incident and Im surprised you havnt left him already.
I say leave him.

You can still love him.
You can still help him.
But move out.
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Bella Dea
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 07:32 am
>>Shaking head and frowning<< Honey, if he loves you he wouldn't hurt you intentionally. I hate to be so blunt but you need to leave. He doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved. No man (or woman) should ever hit or verbally abuse the person they love. Would you think it was ok to kick a new puppy because it peed on the floor and you were having PMS? No. And it is NOT ok for you husband to ever ever hit or verbally abuse you. Under any circumstance. Ever.

We have a resident angel here who will be flying in soon ( I am sure) to give you some invaluable advice. Take it and leave with what you still have. Good luck.

EDIT: Spelling correction.
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Green Witch
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 07:37 am
RED FLAG Evil or Very Mad RED FLAG

This is only going to get worse - a lot worse - get thee out of there!

I have worked with abused women in the past, this is a classical beginning to a bad end. It will be easier if you get out now. counseling will do more to help you than him. It is very difficult for abusive men to change, but women in love with abusers can often cure themselves with a boost to their self- confidence. See you if have any family shelters in the area, they can help you find a person who can advise you.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 07:43 am
I agree with the rest of the crowd. Things could get very, very bad. Leave...... now.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 07:56 am
Thanks for your responses.
One more thing - i didnt know he was abusive - till we got married. We have been friends since childhood. No love angle to our relationship. Then, sometime after i broke up with my ex-fiance, one fine day, he asked me to marry him. I said "yes". After marriage, I have been so pampered, treated like a queen - like never before. I cant believe it's the same person - when he gets abusive.

Yes, I think I do need to leave. I felt that last night. But then i change my decision at the last moment - i have never ben loved so much , so deeply before. And will he hurt himself if i leave him?
material girl
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 08:15 am
YOU are priority number 1.

If he wants to hurt himself its down to him,if he does hurt himself dont carry any of his blame on your shoulders.

He may shower you with love most of the time but it doesnt justify him being abusive the rest of the time.
Its gona be tough but I think the world needs to realise that physical/verbal abuse IS NOT A FORM OF LOVE.

Its been going on for a long time and you should have a better life.

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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 09:01 am
I agree too. You need to leave quickly. Here's a great thread for info started by Brooke. Lots of good info here:

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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 09:12 am
Been there, done that. I knew my ex-husband for 4 years before we married. We were intimate, almost lived out of each other's apartments, all of that. It wasn't until after we married that I learned about his abusive side. And once it started, it only escalated. When he was 'ok,' he treated me the way you say your husband does - like a queen. He cossetted me, made me feel special, took care of my smallest little need or desire.

But when he was NOT ok - hell would've been a better place for me. He was violent, abusive - threatened to kill me, and kill himself. The whole works. I became pregnant a couple years into our marriage - unplanned. He was violent with me even then. It didn't take me much soul-searching to know that the right thing for me to do would be to terminate that pregnancy. Thank God I did.

It took me much longer to figure out that I needed to get the hell out. I actually relocated to a different country. I thought that the distance would help me stick to my decision to not be with him anymore - and I was right. He was sooooo repentant, made so many promises - and I really wanted to believe him. But he had made those same promises all through our 5 years of marriage. I knew he wouldn't change. I knew he *couldn't* change. It was hard. It was very, very hard to not return to him. I still loved him. Part of me still cares deeply for him - though I am now married to a man who must be the polar opposite of my ex-husband.

But I'm so thankful that I made the decision to leave and ultimately divorce him. It was right for me and it turned out to be right for him. I am not in touch with him anymore, but common friends tell me that he is flourishing and seems really happy. That makes me happy too.

I'm not sure if this will help you in any way - I hope it does. You need to be strong as well - and make your own way. Do you work outside the home?

I also want to mention that if your name is any indication of where you're located, I come from the same neighborhood. I know how divorce etc are a stigma on women in our society. Still, when I decided to do what I did - I got nothing but support from my family and friends. It was hard to tell people why - I was so ashamed. But I realized slowly that it was NOT MY FAULT. It was his. And people around me understood that and supported me. That helped a lot too.
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material girl
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 10:11 am
Well done Heatwave.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 11:45 am

First of all....a BIG hug for you. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v37/heavens_just_a_kiss_away/hug.gif


Please forgive me if I come off too strong. Sometimes my gentle side gets lost in the desperation of wanting so badly to help someone such as yourself. I would like to show you a picture of me. I keep this picture to show myself how far I have come in my healing process. There are just days I NEED proof for MYSELF that the journey I walk is one that is "worth it." Living in fear...losing your identity....not caring about life, these are things that I "became," living with my abuser. These are things you will become if you haven't already. It's amazing how much they change not only your inside...but your outside, too. I am so ugly in this picture that I am embarrased to post it here. I will only leave it here temporarily.

That picture is the definition of the "walking dead."

Once upon a time there was this girl named Brooklyn. She was full of life and love. She had a vision in her heart. She was going to get her education in as quickly as she could and then fall in love and get married and have bunches and bunches of "babies." Smile After she graduated, she went to college. She worked very hard to finish her degree by taking extra credits and never taking any time off, even throughout the summer.
She finished her degree and everything was on "track" to follow the course she had mapped out for herself.

She met a "wonderful" man. ( or so she thought) He was VERY attentive. Yes, almost to a "fault." :wink: When I read your story, parts of it were "me" all over again. This man's name was Mark. He showered Brooklyn with the kind of love that melted her heart. She had never loved like she loved this man. A simple touch of his fingertips across the side of her cheek would make her so weak in the knees that she could hardly stand. It was AMAZING. She began to wonder how in the world she ever lived her life without him. He told her many times that he, himself, had never loved another woman, like he loved her.

Moving forward a little bit in time..........

He asked her to marry him. She said "YES!" They were both very excited to begin that part of their life together. He wanted to get married right away. She wanted a longer engagement than he did, so she could plan the wedding. In order to make him happy, she let him move in with her, against her parents wishes. It ended up being a good thing. True colors have a way of becoming much clearer, when they are around you all the time.

After he moved in, he began showing signs of being jealous. Brooklyn didn't like this...but she tolerated it. After all.....their love was strong. They would work through it. Besides, wasn't jealousy just an emotion that most people had or were capable of? Nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Mark was very well liked by most that knew him. He was so kind to people. Very outgoing. Always making people laugh. Very kind and gentle. Very quickly, these things that Brooklyn loved most about him faded into darkness. He would still show this side of him to others...just NOT her.

One day he became very angry with her....and he beat her. She was so shocked that she couldn't even function. This wasn't the man she fell in love with and was going to marry. Who was he? Mark was very sad too. He begged her forgiveness. He worked very hard at treating her with respect after that. (at the same time, he made sure she knew it was her fault of course)

Brooklyn thought it would never happen again. Mark was very good at convincing her of this. She had never known anyone that was abused. She had no one to give her advice either, for she kept her bruises hidden as much as she could.

She just knew everything would be ok if she was "good." After all , he was back to treating her like she was truely "loved" again.

It wasn't ok. It only got worse. The nightmare would end in the most tragic of ways.

People that abuse, do not pour life into the victim. I know that you know this.

People that abuse...are extremely dangerous, and I know that you know this also.

People that abuse, are like Jekyl and Hide. They can be extremely loving. Or they can be extremely violent. There is no happy medium. You have seen this.

The victim of the abuser, with time......loses her identity. The abuser seemingly takes control of her every move, her thoughts, her life. She begins to feel like she lives in a prison. It's a pretty horrible feeling.

The victim, is kept isolated from family and friends.

Do you live like this, chinmayee_s? Do you see tomorrow, or is it not visible through the fog?

Do you know why you don't want to leave him? Is it really because you love him so much...or is it because of fear?

Do you know that the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be for you in the end, to become healed and able to move forward with your life again? If you are not murdered before you are given that chance. Crying or Very sad

I am a survivor. I have charge of my life now. It was like learning to walk all over again. You can do the same. I just pray that you love yourself enough to take that step. That you do it before it's too late.

Below is me today. Do you see a difference in the pictures? Does the above picture speak of happiness and living? Of life and love? Your abuser would like for you to believe that you can't make it without him. The truth is.....you can't make it WITH him.

I'm not sure why my eyes came in so dark (almost brown) in the above picture. Seems all the colors came in darker than the true colors. The camera or the fact it was taken at night. But it doesn't matter. Two things about me that have changed the most in my looks....my smile and my eyes. They both light up on me, now.

You can change your life....the same as I have. You just have to WANT TO! You just have to LOVE yourself enough to know you deserve it.

But you have to do it now.

*edited to remove pictures*
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 12:02 pm

Welcome to A2K.

You comment:

Btw, we do not too many marriage counsellors in my country)

An abusive husband is not a problem to be talked over and worked out. An abusive husband is a clear and present danger to your physical and emotional health.

You may live in a country where marriage counsellors are rare animals, but I'm sure that you live in a country where there is a lot of common sense to be had for the asking.

Make your plans and get out. You can't change your husband, but you can preserve your own life and your own sanity.
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Bella Dea
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 12:57 pm
Brooke you are beautiful!

Listen to her chinmayee_s, unfortunatly she knows all to well what she is talking about. Hugs abound!!
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 01:51 pm
Re: My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive
chinmayee_s wrote:
Let me explain why i say he loves me to a fault:

1) Goes to great lengths to ensure that he's with me on all events that matter to me - such as a job interview, good friend's wedding etc.

This part of your story really jumped out at me when I first read it. Something just didn't sound right. After Brooke wrote this:

The victim of the abuser, with time......loses her identity. The abuser seemingly takes control of her every move, her thoughts, her life. She begins to feel like she lives in a prison. It's a pretty horrible feeling.

The victim, is kept isolated from family and friends.

It really makes sense. He isn't with you to support you... he is with you so that he can control you. He doesn't want you talking to somebody who might discover the truth. He treats your family good, so that if they do find out the truth, they won't believe it. They will say to themselves "He is so nice... how could he possibly be that cruel animal she is describing."

I hope you realize what sort of situation you are in and have the strength and courage to change it. Good luck and welcome to A2K.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 01:59 pm
He sounds like a complete FAKE.

One Way then later...the Other.

He has not decidded who he is so how can he be anything else.

Love is Kind. Anything else, is NOT love. JMO I know this is not what you wanted to hear. So I will ask you what Love is to you?
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 02:49 pm
Part of the trouble with men like this is, they really believe they love the woman, and of course the woman believes them.

Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 03:11 pm
Noddy is RIGHT...

Common Sense will tell you, Physcially Hitting someone is not a boo-boo and if it is, how many mistakes before he kills you and says my bad.

You dont have to hate them to leave them.

How many women are so afraid of being alone that a man who beats em is better than none?

They want someone they can "make" into somebody, but even they know they have a nobody. LEAVE NOW or LEAVE Later, maybe DEAD, but you will LEAVE so might as well be on your own terms.

PS. There are no shortcuts, NO OTHER WAY. It will not stop. It will not change. ABUSE begets ABUSE
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 05:14 pm
BorisKitten wrote:
Men like this have a different definition of love than the rest of us.

Maybe, but I prefer to think that some people just don't know HOW to love.
Thu 17 Feb, 2005 07:19 pm
I don't know if it's love. It is a kind of possession need.
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Thu 17 Feb, 2005 10:39 pm
Thank you all

You don't know how grateful i am for your responses. Thanks, heatwave , brooke...your stories are so much like my own. He's so much like how you have described your own husband/fiance. I hope I can be as courageous as you both. (And yes, Brooke, you are very beautiful).

I hadnt struck me earlier - but yes, jpinMilwaukee, you are right. He's there with me on all events that matter to me - to control me. As you siaid, even my Dad wouldnt believe me if i told him my husband hits me.

Yes, I do work outside the home. My office has now become my "sanctuary". Safe. No one to shower me with love. No one to abuse me.

Sometimes, out of his own volition, he has spoken to me about his "problems" and in those rare moments, he does accept that the violence
and anger are all "his" fault and not becuase of me. He told me the other day - "I know you well. I know that none of the things i said about you is true. Yet, I have these irrational thoughts, i wll overcome them". I believed this.

But over the past few days, I have realized that he's dangerous. He pretends as though he is fine with me being friends with other men - but inside he's very jealous. He concurs with the fact that my job/career is important to me - but actually, he is jealous of my job too. He speaks in his sleep and I have realized he has nightmares about me running away with other men - or about me cheating on him.

As one of you said, maybe he "can't" change. I'm very sad about this. I will arrange for alternate accomodation for myself over the weekend and move out. But God give me the strength not to move back with him when he comes and begs for forgiveness.

Thanks once again.

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