My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Chin,

I asked about the possibility of depression on your medical thread. Are you able to talk to a social worker or therapist about the possibility of clinical depression. I'm not sure what social stigmas exist in India regarding therapy, but living with depression can suck the soul out of you. I know you were talking with a marriage counselor, but it might be a good idea to discuss your feelings with a therapist whose focus is on you, not your marriage.

J_B, I do not have any "withdrawal" symptoms...nor is there a lack of desire in anything i usually like. I still love my sleep, food and my work...no problems with that. I sleep well. I watched a play last evening, and i laugh a lot, as usual..

There are such therapists here....a friend of mine in college used to suffer from depression but led a normal life with the help of medication. I am not sure if my medical problem is depression...I assumed it wasnt becuase i'm not chronically unhappy, or withdrawn...Do you think i need to go to a therapist?

When i say i'm feeling awful, i meant it's difficult to live without him... ...stupid as it may sound. Everywhere I go in this city, there is something that reminds me of him...
However, I do feel quite "free" and i guess it will only take some time before I get more used to this kind of living. I'm glad i can meet people, and do somethings all by myself....without alwqays having him along.

The last I spoke to my husband (soon after i left), he said "he would work things out with himself" and come up with something i would be ok with. Will keep you all posted

Love and hugs to you too..flushd and to deler and Bill and to everyone else...

Chin,
Go see a therapist. It doesn't hurt. Just remember a couple of very important things: Be open, tell them everything, don't leave a single detail out. If you don't feel comfortable with the therapist you find, find another one.
You ever think, that if your aren't feeling depressed about being away from your husband, then maybe you don't need him or need to be around him????

Chin: I'm glad to see so much growth in you over the recent days. Good for you !!! Yes ! Please go to a therapist and talk about what you feel and are
going through. Therapists are trained to guide you and help you find the answers you need,and the strength you need to move forward in your life.
Your time in counseling will be a blessing to you and an improvement in your whole life.
Have courage. You are becoming stronger!!!

Oh dear, this would explain many many of your symptoms. Depression comes in physical as well as mental. Depression sometimes comes when nothing seems to be wrong. It is a chemical imbalance in some people so there is a chance you are suffering from depression.

I didn't know you made all these changes in your life either, which can contribute to your physical health. Take care of yourself! And yes, I think you should see a therapist. If for no other reason than to rule out the possibility of a mental disorder. Which, by the way, is not something to be ashamed of or embarrased about. There are many people who should be getting treatment that could change their lives that don't because they are afraid of the stigma attached. You don't have to tell anyone. Just do it and feel better.

I'll go see the therapist over the weekend - i know him and i think he's pretty good...i'm ok with going to him.

Yeah, you're right Bella, lots of people need treatment but they dont get it...or dont want to accept that they need it...You were mentioning Yoga in your other thread - maybe i should go too...(it's for both mental and physical well-being)...

thanks lindatw, ralph for the support

ok..will do that...



You mean i'm kinda guilt-tripping myself into feeling depressed?...no...i'm quite happy about somethings...

By keeping away from him, the suffocating feeling is gone...and i dont need to be 'on gaurd'. I've been 'on gaurd' from the past few months though my husband has not created any scene...
I am happy to do things now..without worrying.

it's just the memories. Wherever i go, i seem to think of something that we did together.,..and i feel awful. yeesh..i cant belive im behaving like a moony teenybopper now.,..i'm sure this will pass. and i'll be strong . and ill keep myself occupied so i dont find the time to brood.

Try and look at everything constructive. Feeling lonely and being reminded of him is healthy, it's a way of dealing with things rather then hideing them and makeing everything worse until they surface down the road. Whether your future should lead you to him or not, this is something you need to do. Learn how to be by yourself as a means for self improvement and perhaps a means of improveing your relations with him. Becomeing a stronger individual is exactly what you need right now

Chinmayee ...

I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!

YOU are a beacon of light for women everywhere. Your courage, strength, and ability to stand your guard and remain steadfast in your beliefs - "no matter what," makes you a hero in my eyes.

You will never have to stand in front of a mirror and not recognize your own reflection, because all you see are haunted eyes with their faded bruises looking back at you. And the longer battered women stare at themselves - the more the tears flow, as they look back at that reflection and wonder who they have become.

Things will get better for you, my friend.

Chin ... you are so special!

Chinamayee, you are a very brave girl. I know coming from the Indian culture how difficult it would have been for you to walkout on your husband. You have learnt to appreciate yourself and what you need in your life. That is indeed very great and you should be proud of what you did. I know everyone is asking you to leave your husband. But looking at how you both feel for each other, I still have hopes for both of you.

Have you asked your husband to try Anger Management? May be that would help.

Also, are you aware of "Landmark Education"? I know they have lecture series in Bangalore as well. Why don't both of you give this a shot. I know of many who have tried this and found this helpful. This needs to have both of you participate together.

I am only wishing the best for you..

thanks again for all your kind words.

i'm hanging on there...

Oh, my husband begs me almost everyday (on e-mail) to come back....says he will be more repectful of my neeed for privacy and my own time...

my dad (who has been speaking to my husband when my husband wanted to) says it might be good to wait some more time.
My husband apparently is going to another therapist (not marriage counsellor). My Dad said i need to appreciate the fact that he has at least identified his problems...

Keep us up to date chin. If you have any thoughts feel free to share them. I'd like to hear more about how you feel about the situation, it's been tough to tell how you feel about it all.

i've had a trying time this week. my dad was travelling on a national highway in a bus when theie bus collided with a lorrry. most people in the bus were grieveously injured, my dad escaped unhurt. but it was a wrrying time for me.

my domestic problem has been far from my mind this weekend. and morever i have loads of work to cope up with this week.

my husband has started e-mailing me everyday. he has suggested that we live like roommates in the same house for a few days " with no expectations from each other" but i do not know how feasibile that is so i have not reposnded do that suggestion. i really do not know what to do with him. and myself.

Oh chin, I'm sorry to hear about your father. I'm glad he wasn't hurt.

I can't see how living as roommates will help your situation. It's hard for me to get a good picture of what's going on with the two of you. He is unable to give you any space, he wants to have you move back in with no expectations of each other, and he's in counseling to help deal with his issues. It's all a big mess. It sounds like he's trying to work on his problems but at the same time he's still obsessing about you.

Your father has suggested it's too soon to think about moving back in with your husband. I tend to agree. What do you want to do?

I'm sorry to hear about your father too, problems with a family members safety can effect one in ways you never know about. Next time you see your dad give him a hug and appreciate that you could just do that.

It's a little hard to tell about the situation with your husband still, but I agree he needs more time and i'm sure you do as well. He probably knows what he did wrong and knows what he needs to do; but he needs to let it all sink in, take some time and understand that he needs to live for himself and improve these things for himself and if you move back in with him, for your relationship. The idea of moveing in as room mates sounds like a frantic attempt to keep you close, as romantic as a man being torn by the idea of looseing the love of his life is, his focus needs to be on improveing himself moreso then keeping you.

You should focus your thoughts not on the problems your haveing but on the simple things because they're really what matter most, go sit next to a river for a while and think of nothing, go for a walk, rediscover an interest, start something new. It's common cure-all advice but thats because it really works.

yes. i wanted to say "no" to this roommates idea too. just wanted to give it a thought before i said no. I do think it's too early to move back in with him. But when is the right time to move back with him, i wonder..when can i decide he's ok..



Yes, j_B. Thats the scene. Me moving back with him will not help him in anyway.

I still do not completely understand somethings about him.
Why is it that he never abused anyone else? He does not do what he does to me with anyone else...he never tried to control his mother/sister/dad or his ex-girlfriend. He never showered them with the kind of attention that i get either...But he has normal relationships with everyone and a good social life.

Also, he used to be perfectly healthy. He has, in the past few months, become hypertensive at 26.

I do not want to move back with him at least for another 3 months.... Let his health BP come back to normal and stay that way for sometime...let him regularly go for his therapy...after that. Does that sound sensible?

Thanks Deler, will do that .

Chin, I don't think any established timeline is the answer. Who knows how long it will take the two of you to come to peace with your relationship. Brooke once said something about being the only person her husband abused too. He said it was because he loved her so much. Scary, but it sounds like the same thing with your husband. He probably never loved anyone the way he loves you and isn't able to see you as a person with a life that doesn't include him in every minute of your day.

I agree with deler that you should try to find things in your life that bring you joy. I also think it's a good idea for you to see a counselor for yourself to help you sort through everything that is going on.

How's your energy holding up? Are you feeling better?