My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

chin,
GET A NEW COUNCILLOR. Ok, just my opinion, but she is asking you to 'give it some time'? WTF?!
Are you currently living in the same house as your spouse?

I truly want to see you triumph over the situation. If you were a sister of mine; I would be packing your clothes and that's it. You shouldn't be near him right now. It really is as simple as that.

You have been hurt by this man. You need to be apart to heal. You need to reestablish your relationships with people without having to worry about him. Etc.
He needs time away from you to heal if he is to have any chance at tackling this within himself.

You continue to defend him in your posts. I do not question at all that you feel you love this man, that he has been your best friend, and that he has good qualities. Of course; that is what you saw in him and why you chose him as a partner, right?!

BUT; he has a serious problem.
There is a difference in defending a person and defending their behavior.
You do not have to apologize nor defend his poor behavior.
No matter what you do, you can not fix it.
You have no control over what he does/does not do.

Sometimes love and compassion looks a bit mean - like telling him 'No, you can not come with me everywhere. NO, you will not be a part of my life under these conditions'
Yet is a great act of love towards yourself, and to him!

Yeah, the counsellor is much more upbeat about the situation than i am. I realy dont know if she is right or if she doesnt know what she is doing. Btw, she is american - not Indian. If this counsellor doesnt work, i'm giving up. I am just too tired to find someone new.

I want to leave. I'm losing my patience. I just lost my mind over the weekend trying to tell myself to leave. I guess I will have to swallow my pride and tell a friend/or my dad abou the situation before i do anything. As i have said before, I have, so far, not told anyone the truth - although they are trustowrthy and wonderful people. I think I'll speak to a friend today.

I dont have a sister flushd. Thanks for your wishes. Means a lot.

To answer your questions:

Yes, i'm currently living in the same house as my spouse. peacefully. he is happy. i'm happy too - if you dont count the suffocation!!

I was not trying to defend him - maybe it came across like that - just trying to give both the good and the bad - about him.

I love him deeply, yes. I care for him even more. I've told him several times that i want to leave him because i love him. This relationship seems to have created a monster out of him. I still wonder how his closest friends, his mom, dad know of his abusive behavior? or his rage.

After i speak to someone close to me, I intend to speak to my husband about leaving him for sometime. I think even a fortnight apart will help us a great deal.

I could run away, as in, leave in secrecy. But he will find me at work. If i have to run, i will have to leave the city, which is difficult for me.

I was about to post the idea of a separation and then read your latest post which is exactly what you are contemplating. I think it's a good idea. You aren't helping him by keeping the situation private and you certainly aren't helping yourself. I trial separation that lets you both determine whether you are better off together or apart is a good first step.

Best wishes to you, Chin. I think opening up to someone close to you is a smart choice.

Ohh, that's good news chin!

I think it's a great great idea for you to open up to someone close to you. It will help a lot.

keep us posted. and stay strong.

I spoke to my dad (who was shocked). He was very sad but he too wants to help my husband - but thinks we should not stay together for sometime to come. He wanted me to move out the moment i told him about everything.

I spoke to my husband and told him I will stay with a friend for sometime. I told him it will only be for a month. he begged to make it 15 days. I said at least a month. I told him where i will be.

I'n not staying with my Dad - so that will give my dad an opportunity to visit him too - and offer support if required. My dad is a sensible man and my husband is fond of him - it will be good for them to meet, i think.

I wil be going to my friend's place this evening and will be staying there for a month. Will keep you posted

((((chinmayee))))

This is a difficult decision for you. I hope you are able to breathe easier while staying with your friend. When I made the decision to separate from my first husband and started making plans to move out I noticed my breath was freer than it had been in ages. I returned back to our home to pack my belongings after spending a few days in a hotel. As I approached the house I felt my chest tightening and my breath becoming labored. Until that moment I had no idea how much stress I had been living with and how much relief I had by leaving. Pay attention to your breath, chin. It will tell you a lot.

((chin))

I let out a sigh of relief when I read your last post. It's good to hear you have some back-up from your dad and your friend. That was a big step. I was also really glad to hear that you have a loving dad to turn to.

You are doing amazing. Lots of love to you.

This is exactly how i felt when i left my husband the first time around. (I wrote in this thread - i left, he beeged me to come back, and eventually i did).

However, this time i'm feeling blue. I dont know which is worse. Staying with him or away from him.

Myself, I think the question is with you and what you think of you.

I don't want to lead you in one way or the other.

I am glad you have talked with your father.

From my point of view you are too nice re husband, the poor dear.

But you live in a different culture than I do and I am not going to yammer at you.

I know you love him. Whether he loves you is the question.
All the saying he does seems to me to be possessing, which in many ways is the opposite of love.

I wish you well, my dear. I won't keep coming back and repeating my views, but you have my regard.

Yes, he's loving - but he is also very level-headed which is something that i really need now. Someone calm and sane.

I'm feeling awful right now - i really really wish i'd never ever married. Im feeling very "bound" to him even when i've left him. I'll just keep a check on these feelings. My husband called me this morning. I said we can have only minimal talk - just to know we are both fine.

The weather's awful in my city - pouring cats and dogs - there might be more flooding today, in my city. That's making me even bluer than ever....

Thanks for all your wishes. Will keep you posted.

True, I realize i got to do some thinking about my life and me...



I do love him. As you said, i dont know what he feels for me though.

So - I have said I'm not going to live with him unless we can make a better place for each other - and not cause each other pain. He told me he respects me and my interests which is why he tries to do everything that can help what i want to do. He doesnt even get it - that he is trying to control me. I also told him that this kind behavior is especially dangerous since he is just learning to not indulge in abuse or let rage get the best of him.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for listening - I have confided in my dad but im way too proud to rant like how i do here.

It's hard to talk about this across our different cultures, as we over here have learned to be very wary of scenarios rather like which you describe.

I don't know enough to say be glad or watch yourself.

I'd say, watch yourself, get to know yourself, and act accordingly.

Chin, all the best to you. You are a brave and wise gal. Level-headed like your father.
Any chance you can do something purely for yourself? Travel a bit, maybe change a town (sounds like you have a good job where you are right now), do something you always wanted to but didn't have time? Perhaps you can use this time away to re-discover yourself, who you are, what you want, endulge your every wish, pamper yourself. My sister, who is going through a painful separation herself, found that very helpful. Her husband didn't like hiking, but she does - so she took to the mountains and had a hell of a blast with her son. And other things. Be good to yourself. At times like this, one has to be a little selfish. Of course you care about him and feel for him, but right now, you come first. I believe you'll make the best of the situation for yourself in the long run. Resolve, hang in there, girl.

*Sighs*

Where are you? Please give us an update. We're worried about you.

Seconded.

We're also very proud of you, girl. Perhaps you'll be the one who saves herself after all. I'm wishing it so with all my heart. Take care of you.
(((((((((((((chinmayee_s)))))))))))))

Time to hit the road baby. Somewhere there's a good man looking for a good women but he can't find her because she's married to an a**hole. I'ts not fair to your future husband that you waste any more time with this abuse dude. Your future husband is probably lonely right now and eating dinner out of a can.

So pack your crap and hit the road jack!

Thanks for the messages. I'm fine - i took off from work for a week. Last week was Diwali here and i went with to my friends coffee estate in another town. Went with about 5-6 friends - they were all celebrating - but i was terribly blue. But i was at peace. I read, walked - thats it. Apologies if i worried you all, i didnt get onto the net till i came back to work today.....

My husband has been trying to keep in touch with me - but i have communicated with him only minimally, and only thru my dad.



I did travel a bit...went to the kind of place i like...and read a lot. Listened to music.



Yes, a change of town would be good...i dont know how i will be able to manage that - yes, my job is good, so i wouldnt want to quit my job now, and i cannot relocate within India. Only option is the US....

Thanks all of you, i'll hang in there...Feeling awful though.

Well I have to say this has been quite an intriguing post filled with quite alot of amazing advice. I have no positive or negative encouragement nor advice as I just can't comment . I've been trying to relate to him and to you through all of these posts and I'd like to congratulate you on keeping your structure through all of this. Seeing him as a person in need is a very admirable trait, wanting to help another for the person they are and not the problems they have is quite humane. I can relate to this since recent events have left me with abusive relationships which have called for an end. What I can relate to most is seeing the beauty in another and using it as a reason to overlook the evil, every human has their good and their bad and every human uses the good as a way to cover justify and sometimes change the bad, your very open to seeing the glimmer of good in another and very understanding of their tarnished behaviors, however, at some point in time when the sparkle in the distance is overcome by the fog of black you must ask yourself if this distant light is a beacon for your want and admiration or if this shine is just a distant light to be appreciated in your memory. Just because you may choose to sail the other way and clear the fog; doesn't diminish the shine, doesn't deny the beauty of this person. I admire your ability to acknowledge the good with the bad and your ability to know within you what it will take should you decide to brave the seas for the hope of dry land

chin,
Wow! Good for you!
Go ahead and give yourself a big hug for all the good things you have done for yourself - you've come a long way from your original post!


It is expected that you would be feeling awful right now. There is so much for you to process and think about. BUT; you have shown some incredible strength in your choices. Please be sure to celebrate all the achievements you make.

Don't give up. You are doing great. Lots of love to you chin!!