My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

Im sorry but if he truly loved you he wouldnt have any reason to abuse you He's a man and I'm sure he was taught not to put his hands on a woman so if you like to be abused then stay with him I know you may love him and feel there is no way out but there is im 19 and have been through something similiar and ever since I left I havent been happier so your best bet is to get away from it before something worse happens take it from someone who has experienced if i didnt leave I may not be here right now to give you this advice and i wouldnt want something bad to happen to anyone especially with violence of a man involved so do yourself a favor and get out of this as quickly as possible its not east buit i did it and it made me strong and it was an experience that i will never put up with ever again

Im sorry but if he truly loved you he wouldnt have any reason to abuse you He's a man and I'm sure he was taught not to put his hands on a woman so if you like to be abused then stay with him I know you may love him and feel there is no way out but there is im 19 and have been through something similiar and ever since I left I havent been happier so your best bet is to get away from it before something worse happens take it from someone who has experienced if i didnt leave I may not be here right now to give you this advice and i wouldnt want something bad to happen to anyone especially with violence of a man involved so do yourself a favor and get out of this as quickly as possible its not east buit i did it and it made me strong and it was an experience that i will never put up with ever again

Get out of this abusive relationship before it escalates anymore. Please don't bring children into your marriage , as you already have one you are raising, your husband.

Reread the thread, darlin. Brooklyn painted you a vivid picture of the warning signs earlier, absent any input from you. They described your man perfectly, remember? If he's come this far around in realizing his problems, perhaps he's willing to continue and face the rest of his problems as well. Otherwise, this shows no sign of having a happy ending. Quite the opposite I'm afraid. Take care of you. (((((chinmayee_s)))))

Damn, OCCOMBILL, this is the first time I've seen you putting your two cents in on a relationship thread in awhile. It's strange, but even though I wanted to have you disembowelled when we used to have our "debates" I miss seeing you around.

Thats' f*cked up. I wonder why.

In any case, glad to see you again, Bill.

You bastard.

Back atcha, Kicky. :wink:

Bill,

So great to see a man helping out a sista' in need.

chinmayee, Welcome to a2k. Sorry, but your husband doesn't love you; he has a possession which he wishes to control. That is not love.

Love means to be sensitive to your feelings. Love means to let you remain an independent person; the person he met that he claims he fell in love with. Love means to support your life's goals, to enrich your life.

Love means physical, moral, and emotional support.

Abuse is not love.

Correct ...i remember. I think i was just hopin someone would say (what i wanted to hear) - "hey that isnt so serious.."

And yes, i still am doing a tight-rope walk - guess it's too early to rejoice. I'll take care, thank you

You're right. It's even worse that we didnt just "meet" and decide to get married suddenly - we were "friends" for such a long time and none of this ever showed. Maybe i'm fighting an uphill (losing?) battle...but i want to try.

um, let's see if I can put this bluntly


GET OUT. no that aint right lets try another way



ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIE? nope that aint it either. one more



IF YOU STAY HE WILL KILL YOU IN DUE TIME>
yea thats a little better.
Oh and that idea that he goes with you to job interviews, that's just another way of controlling you.
There is no nice or polite way to tell you to leave before he hurts you severly. And, its my guess, that you being from the country you are in they will probably shake his hand and tell him it was good that he kept his honor by killing you.
As i posted on another thread, move out or sghut up.
I know its cold and mean but all the advice in the world wont help you unless you are ready to help yourself.

Hey, thats not true at all!!

Oh, but the rest of it is???????
Just out of curiosity, what part of the world are you in?

I live in India, ralpheb. And killing or hitting your spouse is certainly not acceptable behavior in my country.

Yes, I undertsand that I could be in grave danger - that is what you want to communicate with me. Ralpheb, before I started this thread, "abuse" was just another word to me - I didnt know the mind of an abusive person - this forum helped me a great deal in understanding that and in coming to terms with it. I havent left him - but it's the a2k'ers advice that has helped me make some sense the situation.

Right now, he's seeking help from a counsellor...

No i'm not bringing childern into the marriage, becuase it would complicate matters and possibly make life hell for the child. Maybe not, but i dont want to take the risk.

chin, what part of india are you in? are you in a city? it's good you both have counseling, but i don't like the signs of control one bit. i understand the urge to work things out, but somewhere deep down i don't believe such change is possible. with people like this, they usually need to go through treatment for a long time - alone- and only then they might be able to function. it's like alcoholism. he will never be 'normal', just an abstinent abuser. are you willing to live with that? cause i wouldn't be.

Dag, I live in Bangalore. I live in a "modern" world - a "modern" India, where divorce is no stigma. I'm not living with him becuase of societal pressures.

Let me try and put things into perspective (this is going to be a long post):
He is my best friend. We have a normal social life, good sex. We understand each other well. We share interests and enjoy each other's company. He always sees me thru my tough times and vice versa. I like generous, large-hearted people. He is one.

The problems:
He used to be prone to attacks of rage where he used to become physically verbally abusive. I realize now (the counsellor told me) that the physical abuse always started when he lost control on the argument - i used to try and leave the room or the house in disgust. (Thats my way of dealing with verbal abuse).

Now there is neither verbal abuse nor physical. Nor rage. Somewhere, i think he realized that he was being unreasonable. I think he was pretty convinced that I was the unreasonable one, between the two of us, till then.

But there is this annoying, suffocating habit of hanging around me. Whe i said he does not give me time alone, he does not force me or argue with me to come with him wherever he goes. If I refuse to, he does not go. Or he'll go and return in a short while. He wont sulk - he just says something casual like "i was kinda bored so i came back". He has many friends so it's not like he's lonely without me....

If I want to go alone somewhere, he keeps himself free at that time so that I HAVE to ask him, do you want to come along? He says yes and comes along happily...yeeeeesh.

True, Dag, this is like alcoholism. I need to do some rethinking...Had a long working day. I'll leave for home now and mull over this. Thanks for the concern and help, as always.

Chin,
his hanging around you is a version of mentaql abuse. He never lets you go anywhere by yourself. He does this so he can make sure he knows where y9u are at all times. Basically put, he's a control freak. He has not stopped the abuse, he has just channaled it a different way.

Chin,

You used the word suffocating and that's exactly what it is and what it will continue to be. He wants to be your entire world, not allowing you to have friends or happy times that don't include him. That's not the way it should be. When we get married we become a couple, but we are still individuals with the need to pursue separate interests.

You did not become invisible when you took your wedding vows. You did not become 'his wife' forsaking all others in the concept of becoming his possession. That's how he treats you, but it's not the way it should be.

True. He's trying to make him just "his wife". And he has become "my husband".

It's funny - he is not the kind to cut me away from anybody. In fact he reminds me of birthdays, appointments...he recently suggested that we buy (a very thoughtful) gift for my dad (something that he has been wanting for a long time, and i hadn't noticed he needed it). That's really sweet and my dad was thrilled so i'm happy. But i have never spent time alone with my dad after i got married!!! We used to - and I miss those times. He doesnt even understand why i need to spend time alone with my dad (or anyone else - except for my colleagues). And he has never made an effort to spend some time alone with anyone after "us"!!

Another thing is, he used to be very intersted in music and music has been his "alternative" profession - something he has pursued inspite of a daily job. He has sorely neglected it after marriage. I've noticed and asked him - but he said "yeah, i'll do it.." - i havent persisted, i dont nag.

I have been having long sessions with the counsellor - and she asked me to give it sometime. She said getting back his music career would help a great deal in taking away his focus from this relationship. She says he has let our relationship take over his life and is expecting me to do the same. Does that sound convincing? She seems to be upbeat - i'm muddled. And i'm always unwell, which is not helping the situation...