My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

((((((((chinmayee_s)))))))))) Good to see you here darlin and I am wishing you well. Thanks for checking in. Are you happy?

Yes, I am. Really, I am. ...

But it's quite an effort - i'm always on my guard...ready to run away to safety and an alternate accomodation. but otherwise nothing is amiss....

Thanks so much. I really hope this is not short-lived

Listen honey. dont worry. if you can talk to someone about what has happened to you it might help. it is not very healthy to keep it bottled up, bellieve me, my boyfriend, now my ex, has beat me a few times before when he has not got what he wanted. It is not legal to go around beating the people that you 'love'. I have come to some sense since i have been talking on here but my parents, friends or anyone that i know are aware of this and it is beginning to make me very emotional when they ask me 'how are things with you and cris?' 'what time is he coming to sleep over tonight?' It gets too much and it will eventually cause you so much pain that you feel ashamed not to tell anyone. dont let him do that to you, get out while you can.

Maybe i'm way too proud - but i cannot bring myself to tell anyone close to me about this. I have wonderful friends and a dad im very close to. But I haven't told them.

Because i need alternate accomodation and a safe place to go to, I have just told 2 good friends (with whom I will move in in case i need to) - that "my husband can be dangerous when he is angry". And I've told them that i dont want to discuss it - just need their support.

You all are the only ones that I have openly spoken to about my problem. You all don't know what a big help you have all been. I know I havemt taken your advice and moved out. But all your experiences (like brooke;s etc..) and advice have helped me understand him (i'd like to think)...and have helped me become much more assertive....and take some control over the relationship.

Will keep you people posted.

It's always good to hear from you on the forum (((((chinmayee_s)))))).

You may still be with him .... but we are all proud of you for taking steps to leave him if it ever happens again. And proud, also, that you are standing up for yourself in this relationship and not allowing him to think he can bully you.

You are AWESOME!!!

Yes, I have been watching this thread, and I think that you are a very strong woman, chinmayee_s. What bothers me though, is where you write:



Dear, it is not a healthy thing to always be on tenterhooks, and waiting "for the other shoe to drop". That heightened state of vigilance is very unhealthy for a person, both mentally and physically.

Even though things are quiet, for the moment, if it were me, I would take steps to leave.

You're right. But i'm trying to take my off mind off this when i'm not at home (which is at least 7-8 hours a day) - so i can regain my mental and physical wellbeing. I have always been told im pretty ...and i'd started looking so weary and drab after i got married ..(just like brooke had deteriorated). but now, i have begun to look like my old self again ....

Thanks, Brooke. ((((((((((hugs to you tooo)))))). You're such a blessing. I see you helping out so many people in this forum...

Hun...Listen....
I just left my husband because he has been verbally and just recently physically abusive to me and my children.I've tried to help him for 6 years and he will never change..he's got to help himself.He'll never change no matter how much you try.His ways of treating you so good and being nice are his other personality that he wants to be but,his other evil side will never go away.He switches back and forth,good to bad to good and you think,oh,he loves me because he CAN be good to me,he CAN treat me right,but then all hell breaks loose every once in a while....once he's abusive,it'll never change for the good unless he gets some serious help,he has to realize it and do it on his own.If you make him do it,he won't put effort unless he realizes himself.I hope u get what I mean.Don't waste time.I did and it doesn't get better...remember,love isn't hurting the one you're suppose to care so much about.Love isn't any kind of abuse at all.

Re: Hun...Listen....


Yeah. And i'm hoping that he has realized it and that he's making the effort not to just "please" me but for his own sake.



...you are right. Your post is kind of depressing ...makes me want to rethink my decision of staying....
Thank you, StarryEyedAngel..for sharing your story. And good luck to (((you)))

Update: my husband is taking counselling - we found a counsellor who handles abusive people and domestic violence. she is helping "manage his anger/rage" and get over feelings of "insecurity". She said i would need some counseling too - she helps victims of abuse too.

All well, but i'm still on my gaurd .

So good to hear from you again, Chinmayee_s! Very happy to hear about the counseling.

Just want to send my happy thoughts your way. Big hugs to you!

Thank you ....hugs to you too ..your wishes mean so much to me

((((((((chinmayee_s))))))))) This is good news. I'm not convinced sane behavior can be counseled in... but then... I suppose since insane behavior has certainly been counseled in to some, there is hope. I do wish you nothing but the very best. ((((((((chinmayee_s)))))))))

Thank you ....(((Occom Bill))) i'm hoping things turn out ok..

Hoping all is well, darlin. ((((((chinmayee_s)))))

Thanks for asking. Yes, all is well. He really has gotten over his rage. I think. Whenever we have an argument, if he gets angry, he just takes a moment off and then comes back to argue - without abusing or playing unfair. I'm proud of his improvement really.

But there's one thing that bothers me. We have been married for almost 10 months now (and known each each other for about 10 years). But my husband hardly leaves me alone, except when i'm at work. I have mentioned this to the counsellor but i think she is just concentrating on the rage.

He has many friends, a good social circle but he always always wants me along with him at all times. Since he and i have been "friends" for a very long time before we married we have mostly only common friends. So we go out together everywhere. I want some time away from him sometimes - to just be alone. Say, to just go shopping/window-shopping by myself. Do you think this is a serious problem or can i just let this be?

It's a problem that needs to be addressed. It's a form of controlling behaviour.

chinmayee, I'll tell you the same thing I tell all women in relationships with abusive or drug addicted men. You only get one life. Are you willing to let your one life be consumed by a man that is allowing himself to be consumed. If he loves you he will do everything he can. Like you are.

I too think it shouldn't be ignored. Two people are a couple, but they are also still two people. You need and deserve a sense of self in your relationship. His controlling ways will not disappear on their own, and your acceptance of them will only force you to sink deeper into his control.

I'm sorry but No Real Man would Ever Put his hands on a female if he loved them men don't do that he's doing it because he isn't a man and he'll never change I'm sorry to say it but if he puts his hands on you then he is hurting you and he won't change I was in a situation similar with a boyfriend and if you don't leave things could get really ugly a man is obviously stronger than a woman and he could hurt you or worse that is why it's better to leave and never look back