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Tue 5 Dec, 2017 11:42 am
I’m a grad school student (and work full-time) who’s married to a teacher. We will have been married 2 years this month and been together a little over 5 years. When I say I can’t pinpoint any “issues” in my marriage, I mean it. Yes, we have our disagreements and we fight sometimes, but we are compatible and genuinely enjoy each other’s presence. I’ve had several family issues over the last few years (becoming sole caregiver for my granddad, helping raise my 21 year old sister, addict parent in and out of our life), and he has been a major support for me. His steady, level-headedness is a major reason I fell in love with him. Our physical relationship isn’t dwindling either.
But, I am constantly thinking about someone I’m in school with. This man is married (14 years) and has 2 children. We have gone out with them to sporting events and had drinks, socialized at school events, etc. He talks about his wife as a nag but never anything overly negative. Here’s the rub, without going into many details because they’re not juicy or raunchy: we have dinner together 2-3 nights a week before class. My husband knows and his wife knows. We never talk about anything “too” personal (mainly school gossip, work highlights, etc). I sit by him in every class and most weekends, we meet up with another classmate to study. I am very much a group thinker and I do well studying with him and the other student. We all make good grades and I’m worried if I cut ties, my grades will suffer. Right now, during exams, we’ve seen each other 6-7 nights a week, eaten dinner 4 of those (just us), and we constantly email at work back and forth about school, our day, funny inside jokes, etc. He’s very witty and I find myself going to sleep wondering about him and waking up wanting to talk to him. He emails me first many mornings and I think he comes up with excuses to text me. Sometimes, I can tell he just wants to start a convo. We have never come anywhere close to anything physical. But, I’ve had several very (VERY) inappropriate dreams about him and I don’t even think he’s that attractive.
So, do I cut off all contact and avoid him to shut this down? I still have a couple of semesters with him in all my classes and I sincerely don’t want to study alone. I am so close to just asking him if he feels the same way (can’t get him off my mind) but a) that’s so high school, b) I’m MARRIED AND SO IS HE, and c) I will look insane, and who knows, maybe I am?
I don’t even know why I’m seeking advice on the topic. It makes me sick to even articulate these feelings because I know they’re wrong, and I feel so guilty for having these thoughts. I don’t want my marriage to suffer and it would devastate my husband. So, why am I having these thoughts and what should I do?
Don't beat yourself up because you are attracted to a like-minded guy whom you seem to click with. No surprise here. He and your group have helped you soar to a good place.
But - Now you have moved this "click" into another level - and it's quite a bit of fantasy and works only in this setting..
So.... are you going to "feed" this fantasy, or put it into its place?
I don't buy this idea of yours that you need him to get through your studies or that he is tied to your success. You are becoming attracted to him and there's nothing good that will come of it. But, deep down, you know that.
I suggest that you talk to your husband about this. Tell him that spending so much time with another man is not good for your marriage and you need more connection with your husband.
In the meantime, eat at home or with your husband or girlfriends before class.
@PUNKEY,
I agree with PUNKEY. What's happening is you're getting a large amount of your emotional needs met outside the marriage. This will only continue to grow, and you may pass a threshold at some point.
I get that he's a good friend but you need to start to get these emotional needs met within the marriage. I would recommend very intentionally increasing the number of hours you spend with your husband with undivided attention. (No TV, no studying, etc). And conversely decreasing those hours with this other guy, potentially down to zero if you don't start feeling a shift back to your husband.
I don't want to be an alarmist, but you're on a slippery slope. If your mind (and possibly body) start to feel bonded to this other man more strongly than to your husband, it will be very hard to turn back. So heed the warnings your feeling and change course now. It will be much harder the longer this goes on.
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for the sound advice. I already feel better getting this all out.
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