Am I having an Affair?

How does your wife feel about you texting another woman almost every day and talking about intimate things with her?

Dude- you are in an emotional affair, for sure.

All this MUST take away from attention you should be directing towards your wife.

It sounds like your friend is bored. She needs a female best friend.

What's going on in your marriage?

Its funny - because she does have a group of female friends - she meets them for drinks, etc.

But, she does reach out to me all the time - and talks mundane things, flirts/teases, jokes, etc. She does say repeatedly that it isn't easy for her to trust people, and that it has always been natural for us.

As far as my marriage goes - its not in a great place. My wife is in bed by 8 pm - and initially, these texts/chats would be in the evenings - sometimes going as late as 1 or later in the morning, so it wasnt impacting anything with my wife. Now, texts come during the day - while i am working, etc.

I am not sure if i have posted this - but i don't discuss my wife (especially in a negative way) during these chats. My old friend is aware that i am married, as we are on FB together.

You can spin this any way you want. But this says a lot about your marriage.

She doesn't talk to you when SO is on the scene. Why does she assume she can talk to you when your wife is on the scene?

Whether it's an affair or not is less important than the fact that you're using it to avoid your wife. Who, I might add, if she's going to bed at 8 PM every night (and there are no good reasons for that, e. g. she gets up at 4 AM for a long commute, or her job is very physical, or she has a known disability), then she needs a full physical workup.

I'm no doctor but there are a lot of diseases which go hand in hand with fatigue. Show your love and get her to get a checkup.

She does prefer to get up early - but its not for work, etc. She likes the peacefulness of early mornings.

I know what you are saying is right. And i am the first to admit that my marriage isnt in a good place. We have had a lot of challenges, and after a while they are hard to keep bouncing back from.

I know this isn't the important piece - but my friend certainly has others in her life she talks to. But the amount of time she spends talking to me is the part that confuses me. Her SO isn't local (and they have been together for 8 years, only the last year or two from a distance).

Well, I like the morning, too, but I also like spending time with my husband. This sounds like avoidance behavior on both your parts. Sounds like it's time to have a chat - you're coexisting but not interacting much.

If I were your wife, and I found out about this, I would be EXTREMELY hurt by this secret person that you talk to for hours on end.

Essentially, it's an emotional affair if you sneak around talking to some other person for hours every day.

If he's "sneaking around" to do it and his wife is not aware of it, I agree with you that it's problematic and she'd be right to be very upset when she (inevitably) finds out.

If his wife knows that he has this online friend he talks with a lot, however, I think some of the responses here are a bit harsh. In principle, having a good friend (or better still, good friends), whom you can trust and confide in and share things with on a regular basis, is a good thing. It would be unhealthy for someone to rely exclusively on their partner for their emotional needs.

I would say there are three questions here:

- Frequency. Talking every few days instead of only every couple of weeks can be a good thing in developing close friendships. Talking for hours almost every single day? That's a lot of mindspace and emotional attention to direct away from your marriage and work, especially to someone you never see in real life.

- Transparency. To what extent does his wife know he's talking with this friend, what those talks are like, and how long? It's perfectly OK to share something personal with a friend without delivering a detailed report of what you're talking about, but your partner should have an accurate impression of the general nature of the friendship. If you squirm when you imagine your wife finding out what you're saying to the other, that's the sign of a problem.

- How "flirty"? You mention a couple times, SOMP, how the two of you "flirt" and "tease" during these convos. That seems like it a clear red flag. Depending on the relationship and the culture, it can be a bit more, or a lot less, acceptable to act a bit flirty when you go out and such; but in lengthy one-on-one online conversations it's easy to develop a sense of intimacy where being "flirty" can escalate quickly.

So that all seems plenty of reason to worry and do some soul-searching. But if you are able to steer this to a friendship that remains a friendship rather than becoming a sexually charged online infatuation, and that involves regular conversations but not hours every day that detract from making the rest of your life (marriage, work) function, I would think of that as a positive thing. I think the notion of an "emotional affair" itself is problematic.. it's so strange, to me. I'd never even heard of the phrase until it came up over and again here on this forum; it seems a very American thing. (I'm Dutch). The idea that, once you're married, it should be taboo to develop any close emotional connection with anyone of the other gender seems a little... creepy to me. That said, it sounds like you definitely have the three questions above to consider.

Hi. I am in the exact same position, although I’m the female in the situation. I honestly could have wrote this word for word. We was too high school close friends that ended badly after nothing really happened between us. We were always close. He got bsck in contact with me 5 years ago via Facebook also, snd we talk almost everyday. We don’t talk about feelings etc, but last year things got different and sexual photos and videos was exchanged. We felt awful, I cut all contact and 6 months later we ended up reconnecting, under the rules that it will be purely platonic only. And for 6 months it has been, but some
How we feel closer than ever. We don’t live a great distance away, and have always shared a few mutual friends. I’ve saw him a handful of times over the years, phone calls rarely, nothing has ever happened, even though we’ve spoke about it. It’s more caring than sexual, every touch feels like lightening through my body.

I’m confused how I feel, I’m not sure if it’s love. We both deeply care about each other, and he says he respects me, he has said he misses me on occasions and feels sad if we got a period of time without talking, and me also. I just don’t understand how he truly feels for me, what I am or what I mean to him. Some days I feel like I’m just a virtual ego boost he keeps around to make himself feel better, other days I feel like he could have loved me if life had taken a different route. I can’t ask, as it’s inappropriate. We both love and speak highly of our spouses, but I think I have developed love for him also. Or maybe it was always there. Sorry I have no real advice, I don’t know where we will end, but I will truly miss him when the time finally comes to say goodbye, he’s became my best friend all over again, the person I am closest to in the life, I trust him with every bone in my body and it will feel almost like grieving letting him go.

The original post is over four years old, and the last time they posted was over four years ago.

Don't expect them to read your post.

Get off of that Facebook killer of people. It is a common for people to gravitate toward destruction when they want to mix it up a little, or better, keep it real. Your hero inside does this but not for a reason you can speculate. You might be too comfortable or are scared of dying.

Think about the scenario where that person confirms that she wants to have a connection...run away.