6
   

Am I having an Affair?

 
 
SOMP
 
Reply Wed 4 Oct, 2017 08:34 pm
Back in high school, and early college there was a girl I was very close with. We talked all the time - confided in each other, but I had low self esteem - and never asked her out. We got into a big fight (verbal) after a few drinks and our friendship faded away.

Fast forward quite a few years, and we reconnected on Facebook. For the most part, she reached out to me a few times - but nothing happened. 6 months ago, she reached out to me - sending me a private message after I posted a question about music. Our first conversation was over 2 hours reconnecting through chat. As time went on, the conversations became more frequent - and now they take place almost every day (Probably average 5-6 days per week where we chat)

She initiates a great majority of the conversations. To be fair, the conversations can run the gamet - silly, funny, flirty, etc. I am married 15 years, she is in a long term relationship with someone. Her SO lives in another state, and they see each other every other weekend (which typically are the only days we do not speak). She lives hundreds of miles from me - and neither of us have anything that would bring us to the area the other lives in - work, personal, etc. We recently added phone texting to the repertoire - but have only spoken on the phone once.

When she references her SO, she speaks about him in glowing terms. I dont see that as a relationship in trouble at all. She does tell me that she is slow to open up to people, but has always felt comfortable with me - and is surprised even now how she is comfortable telling me things. In one conversation she did reference that when we were teens, she was closer to me than people she dated - but that might be the extent of comments in that area.

She initiates a vast majority of the conversations. Where we will probably talk throughout the day - many evenings we will talk for an hour or two.

I enjoy the conversations. At times, I struggle with them. The conversations are comfortable, and as if there was no break. (We are both 20+ years post high school). I can not believe the amount of time and frequency in which she reaches out. She talks glowingly about her SO - so I guess she cant be in love with me? Is she lonely? Am I thinking too much?

I am not pretending that I don't flirt in these conversations. I am not denying I enjoy talking to her - and have found I missed having her in my life (which I never thought would happen again). There are no plans to meet up, I dont envision a scenario where either of us wakes up and finds the other parked outside or anything like this.

Appreciate your thoughts and feedback

 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 05:48 am
How does your wife feel about you texting another woman almost every day and talking about intimate things with her?

Dude- you are in an emotional affair, for sure.

All this MUST take away from attention you should be directing towards your wife.

It sounds like your friend is bored. She needs a female best friend.

What's going on in your marriage?

SOMP
 
  2  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:00 am
@PUNKEY,
Its funny - because she does have a group of female friends - she meets them for drinks, etc.

But, she does reach out to me all the time - and talks mundane things, flirts/teases, jokes, etc. She does say repeatedly that it isn't easy for her to trust people, and that it has always been natural for us.

As far as my marriage goes - its not in a great place. My wife is in bed by 8 pm - and initially, these texts/chats would be in the evenings - sometimes going as late as 1 or later in the morning, so it wasnt impacting anything with my wife. Now, texts come during the day - while i am working, etc.

I am not sure if i have posted this - but i don't discuss my wife (especially in a negative way) during these chats. My old friend is aware that i am married, as we are on FB together.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:09 am
@SOMP,
You can spin this any way you want. But this says a lot about your marriage.

She doesn't talk to you when SO is on the scene. Why does she assume she can talk to you when your wife is on the scene?

jespah
 
  3  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:09 am
@SOMP,
Whether it's an affair or not is less important than the fact that you're using it to avoid your wife. Who, I might add, if she's going to bed at 8 PM every night (and there are no good reasons for that, e. g. she gets up at 4 AM for a long commute, or her job is very physical, or she has a known disability), then she needs a full physical workup.

I'm no doctor but there are a lot of diseases which go hand in hand with fatigue. Show your love and get her to get a checkup.
SOMP
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:14 am
@jespah,
She does prefer to get up early - but its not for work, etc. She likes the peacefulness of early mornings.
SOMP
 
  1  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:18 am
@PUNKEY,
I know what you are saying is right. And i am the first to admit that my marriage isnt in a good place. We have had a lot of challenges, and after a while they are hard to keep bouncing back from.

I know this isn't the important piece - but my friend certainly has others in her life she talks to. But the amount of time she spends talking to me is the part that confuses me. Her SO isn't local (and they have been together for 8 years, only the last year or two from a distance).
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Thu 5 Oct, 2017 06:20 am
@SOMP,
Well, I like the morning, too, but I also like spending time with my husband. This sounds like avoidance behavior on both your parts. Sounds like it's time to have a chat - you're coexisting but not interacting much.
0 Replies
 
H2Ogirl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Oct, 2017 05:29 pm
@SOMP,
If I were your wife, and I found out about this, I would be EXTREMELY hurt by this secret person that you talk to for hours on end.

Essentially, it's an emotional affair if you sneak around talking to some other person for hours every day.
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Thu 12 Oct, 2017 04:04 am
@H2Ogirl,
If he's "sneaking around" to do it and his wife is not aware of it, I agree with you that it's problematic and she'd be right to be very upset when she (inevitably) finds out.

If his wife knows that he has this online friend he talks with a lot, however, I think some of the responses here are a bit harsh. In principle, having a good friend (or better still, good friends), whom you can trust and confide in and share things with on a regular basis, is a good thing. It would be unhealthy for someone to rely exclusively on their partner for their emotional needs.

I would say there are three questions here:

- Frequency. Talking every few days instead of only every couple of weeks can be a good thing in developing close friendships. Talking for hours almost every single day? That's a lot of mindspace and emotional attention to direct away from your marriage and work, especially to someone you never see in real life.

- Transparency. To what extent does his wife know he's talking with this friend, what those talks are like, and how long? It's perfectly OK to share something personal with a friend without delivering a detailed report of what you're talking about, but your partner should have an accurate impression of the general nature of the friendship. If you squirm when you imagine your wife finding out what you're saying to the other, that's the sign of a problem.

- How "flirty"? You mention a couple times, SOMP, how the two of you "flirt" and "tease" during these convos. That seems like it a clear red flag. Depending on the relationship and the culture, it can be a bit more, or a lot less, acceptable to act a bit flirty when you go out and such; but in lengthy one-on-one online conversations it's easy to develop a sense of intimacy where being "flirty" can escalate quickly.

So that all seems plenty of reason to worry and do some soul-searching. But if you are able to steer this to a friendship that remains a friendship rather than becoming a sexually charged online infatuation, and that involves regular conversations but not hours every day that detract from making the rest of your life (marriage, work) function, I would think of that as a positive thing. I think the notion of an "emotional affair" itself is problematic.. it's so strange, to me. I'd never even heard of the phrase until it came up over and again here on this forum; it seems a very American thing. (I'm Dutch). The idea that, once you're married, it should be taboo to develop any close emotional connection with anyone of the other gender seems a little... creepy to me. That said, it sounds like you definitely have the three questions above to consider.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » Am I having an Affair?
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 10/22/2021 at 10:50:46