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Finally told my wife's friend I had a crush on her for 20 years

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 01:25 pm
Back in 1996 we were a typical group of twenty year olds. All friends, all hung out on a daily basis, nobody ever slept with each other, some had relationships out of our circle, but we were very close and shared secrets. I was madly in love with Jane. She was perfect! I loved everything about her. She was my favorite person to hang out with. When she wasn't around I wish she was. When she was around I couldn't get enough of her. Jane and I flirted a bit but she had a boyfriend who was on the outer circle. He never hung out with us but always questioned her if something was going on between her and I. I never made a move on her. If she initiated, I'm sure I would have obliged. I know she used to screw around on him but never with any of us. I was a semi pro hockey player and Her and a teammate of mine had a few brief encounters but nothing ever blossomed. One of the guys in our group was a trouble maker and very jealous of me. We were friends but he was salty that Sally and Jane always liked me better than him. He had a creepy vibe about him. ( now he's gay ) he spread some rumors, told things to others that I confided in him . The next thing you know is we start to disband. I write a letter to Jane telling her how much she means to me and how I feel about her. I NEVER GAVE IT TO HER. Jane was a nursing student locally and got a job travelling. I transferred to an out of state college and Sally went on to medical school. Sally and i start to date and marry in 2003. We now have 3 children. Jane moved across the USA and also marries. Jane and Sally text or talk on occasion but Sally gets uncomfortable with her as she suspected her and I had a fling. Never happened!!! Sally always comments on how she always thought Jane had a thing for me, even to this day. Fast forward 20 years.
The past few years Jane has been visiting 1 -2 times a year. She is as beautiful as ever. Looks like she hasn't aged a single day. It's unbelievable how good she still looks.
6 months ago I was cleaning up my old college fraternity bin that I hadn't opened in almost 20 years. The first thing that pops out is this note that I wrote in 1996 to Jane. When I read it every feeling that I've ever had for her lie on my shoulders like 1000 pounds. I jog and workout daily and she's all I think about like my memories of her are giving me extra motivation almost as if I'm traing for a prize fight. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to that time in my life and it's sad that I can't.
Sally and I have a good marriage, we argue on occasion, we rarely have time to ourselves due to having triplets and we have sex 2-3 times a year at most. I love her, love our children, but I feel that every day we get further apart. Having multiples is a very hard job and has put a burden on our marriage.
Last week a friend contacts us that Jane is flying in for 1 week. We plan to all meet for dinner and drinks. We have dinner and some drinks and a few of us go to a local bar. Me, Sally, jane and a few others have the place to ourselves due to it being Easter weekend. I'm drunk, I mean very drunk. My wife leaves the bar to go downstairs and order a mixed drink because we were in a brew house upstairs. Beer isn't her thing. I start telling Jane how I often reminiscence about the old days and start getting emotional. I then tell her many years ago i wrote her a letter but never gave it to her about my feeling towards her. I had that note in my pocket. I give her the note but make her promise not to read it til later. She asks what it said and I looked into her eyes and told her that I was madly in love with her when we all hung out and that she was and still is the most astonishingly beautiful woman I've ever seen. Something that I should have told her in 96. She tells me she had no idea, we laughed a bit and that was that. Sally come back and Jane tells her I'm an asshole. Why? Sally asks, what did he say? Nothing says Jane. She could have threw me under the bus but didn't. She could have torn my family apart by giving her the note or mentioning our private conversation.
On Easter Sunday I text Jane and apologized for making her uncomfortable or if I embarrassed her. No reply. The next day I text again . No response. Next day I leave her a voicemail that I was terribly sorry that I may have crossed the line. No response.
Why is she mad and ignoring me? I never meant it to sound like I was looking for us to both divorce and ride off into the sunset. She's beautiful. I'm married but I'm not blind. Do you think she's mad that I never told her how I felt? Or does she think that I'm a huge asshole for spilling my guts to her behind my wifes back? Does she think I'm a terrible husband and mad that her friend has to live with me? Does she think I'm a cheating asshole? Does she think I married Sally as a consolation prize? How could giving a compliment make her hate me? Did I disrespected her husband ( who never flies to town with her) by telling her this? In some way did I disrespect her in any way?
I realize that it was very risky and I took a huge chance, but also realize now that im sober that nothing good could have resulted in this. It feels great to have finally told her how I felt but what if she tells Sally? What do I feel so empty inside?
 
Ice veins
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 01:31 pm
For the record my wife has no idea about any of this
tibbleinparadise
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 02:04 pm
@Ice veins,
You really overstepped all sorts of boundaries, disrespected all parties, and violated the trust of everybody involved.

Jane called you an asshole with no explanation to your wife as a warning shot across the bow. She doesn't want to be the one that crushes your marriage (you seem capable of doing that on your own), and she is clearly uninterested in participating in your 20 year old fantasy.

Leave this one alone. It is one sided. Figure out how to build up your own wife and family. May need to do some couples counseling and some individual counseling to resolve this stuff from the past that you are clinging onto.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 02:34 pm
@Ice veins,
Never mind about this girl from your past: your marriage is in trouble.

Overwhelmed by kids, and no sex and married to a self-absorbed guy who works out at the gym and thinks about a girl from his 20's? Your poor wife!

Re: this other woman. Who knows what she is thinking but for sure its probably something along the lines of " what am I supposed to do with this ( information) ?

No response? She doesnt want to even acknowledge the bullet she dodged so many years ago.

Counseling for you, then marriage counseling. ASAP.



chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 03:27 pm
@Ice veins,
Ice veins wrote:

For the record my wife has no idea about any of this


Wanna bet?
Ice veins
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 03:40 pm
@PUNKEY,
Not that it makes a difference. My title should have read" told my wifes friend i had a crush on her after 20 years. " it wasn't meant that I had a crush on her for the last 20 years. I had a crush on her 20 years ago. I have been over her for quite some time. I made my decision long ago that I would rather date Sally than ask out Jane.
I think about her on occasion as I do all my friends. I jog everyday the exact same area we all used to rollerblade so it's hard not to rethink of all my old friends. It wasnt till I read that note my feelings for her rekindled. It hasn't been for the last 20 years, it's been roughly 6 months. Which still doesn't make it okay and it's still unfair to my wife. I feel really terrible that I opened that door. I've never cheated on my wife nor I plan on doing so, but its killing me to find out the exact thing I said to set her off.
0 Replies
 
Ice veins
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 03:43 pm
@chai2,
I hope the hell not. If she did I'm pretty sure my bags woulda been on the front porch.
0 Replies
 
Ice veins
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Apr, 2017 03:46 pm
@tibbleinparadise,
Correct. I did overstep. For some reason I just had to let her know how I felt. I wasn't expecting her to say "you did" me too, let's hook up later. But I wasn't expecting what was to come.
Lulubelle65
 
  3  
Reply Fri 21 Apr, 2017 03:08 am
@Ice veins,
Come on, that's exactly what you were hoping for!

All the questions you posed, you know exactly what the answers are, stop playing dumb and looking for excuses.

You wanted her to reciprocate your feelings, that's the truth, and when she didn't respond that way, and maintained a dignified distance from your horse manure, you want to know why she cut you dead? Please....🙄...

Jane did the right thing and ignored you. If you approach her again with your bullshit, she WILL tell your wife.

Your wife is very obviously aware that you are hanging on to this 'fantasy' of 'Jane' (the what if...) as she has clearly questioned it!



So your marriage needs a bit of a leg up...we all go through that periodically my lovely, but it's what we DO about it. That means not looking to resolve problems by external solutions. but turning toward each other, not away.

Get Granny to babysit the babies once a week so you both feel human again for a start.

Running off into fantasyland isn't the answer.

Tell your wife your marriage is in a bit of bother. She'll get it. You need to communicate effectively and be completely but ssensitively honest with her if you mean to make your marriage healthier.

Effective communication, mutual respect and a willingness to work on your marriage to your mutual benefit is the foundation of a healthy, trusting relationship.

Right now you can't be trusted. Sort it out.

0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  5  
Reply Fri 21 Apr, 2017 05:50 am
@Ice veins,
Three words ---- Mid Life Crisis......


Jane seems like all that - why? Because you have not seen her like Sally. Jane hasn't had the opportunity to show you how she looks, acts, says when she is stressed and tired with her kids, family life and other adult obligations. Of course she looks beautiful - you only see her when she is going out and all dolled up. You haven't seen all of Jane. What you have seen of her isn't the whole real Jane like you have of Sally. It is fantasy.

You are fortunate that Jane is level headed. Your family life is saved for now. You say you love Sally - things are not 100% right (what marriage is) - if something is dissatisfying in your marriage maybe you should work on that and just forget completely about Jane. You have a good thing and could lose it all -for a fantasy which highly likely would disappoint it had it panned out at all.

Who cares what Jane thinks - it shouldn't matter if you want to keep your marriage and family. You made a dumb drunk mistake -- you apologized for it to Jane, drop it.

Ice veins
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Apr, 2017 02:11 pm
@Linkat,
Google midlife crisis my pic should come up. That is exactly what is happening to me. I always hear of the word but I never understood the meaning until now. I am having very difficult time getting old. This is a new chapter in my life and I guess I'm having a hard time accepting it. I'm not sure where to go from here. Yes she's mad at me and I have no choice but to accept it. If she wanted to tell me anything she would have. It's gonna be hard moving on but it's my only option.
tibbleinparadise
 
  2  
Reply Fri 21 Apr, 2017 03:46 pm
@Ice veins,
Shouldn't be hard to move on at all. When you think of Jane make your first and only memory be you spilling out your heart and her telling your wife that you're an asshole. This isn't even a good fantasy that you can work on over in the shower.

It's fortunate that there is some milage between everybody. Go find yourself a new, healthy hobby. Improve yourself and invite your wife to join you. Let your wife know that you are in a rut and want to shore up the marriage and yourself. There IS a good chance that your wife knows what happened. It is your responsibility to make sure your wife knows you are solid, faithful, and dependable as her husband.

If you think of Jane, at all, stop what you are doing and hug/kiss/text/call your wife. Focus that wasted energy on somebody that matters.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Fri 21 Apr, 2017 08:45 pm
@Ice veins,
Ice veins wrote:
Sally come back and Jane tells her I'm an asshole. Why? Sally asks, what did he say? Nothing says Jane.


that was your three minute warning

step over the line again and she will bust you

___

mid-life crisis for sure with a bit of drunk/stupid thrown into the blender

time to re-focus. on your wife, yourself, your family

I'm on the other side of the mid-life crisis fulcrum. Things get waaaaay better.
0 Replies
 
celebritydiscodave
 
  0  
Reply Sun 23 Jul, 2017 03:45 am
@Ice veins,
You are male, you possess innate drives, so under circumstances of having spent a given while together there would likely scarcely exist a girl that you would not have feelings for, taking it of course that you were to find her to your taste. We are perhaps talking thousands of girls. If genuine commitment is not given priority you are living as an animal. Note, I did n`t say mammal, for even with humans to one side, there are commited mammal species. Do n`t think that I am singling you out, for as much as we would wish to have ourselves believe otherwise humans do fail in the very vast majority of their relationships. The long term success rate through the romantic love pathway is perhaps no better than one in twenty, dependant on definition for what
constitutes a success.
0 Replies
 
 

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