Come on, that's exactly what you were hoping for!
All the questions you posed, you know exactly what the answers are, stop playing dumb and looking for excuses.
You wanted her to reciprocate your feelings, that's the truth, and when she didn't respond that way, and maintained a dignified distance from your horse manure, you want to know why she cut you dead? Please....🙄...
Jane did the right thing and ignored you. If you approach her again with your bullshit, she WILL tell your wife.
Your wife is very obviously aware that you are hanging on to this 'fantasy' of 'Jane' (the what if...) as she has clearly questioned it!
So your marriage needs a bit of a leg up...we all go through that periodically my lovely, but it's what we DO about it. That means not looking to resolve problems by external solutions. but turning toward each other, not away.
Get Granny to babysit the babies once a week so you both feel human again for a start.
Running off into fantasyland isn't the answer.
Tell your wife your marriage is in a bit of bother. She'll get it. You need to communicate effectively and be completely but ssensitively honest with her if you mean to make your marriage healthier.
Effective communication, mutual respect and a willingness to work on your marriage to your mutual benefit is the foundation of a healthy, trusting relationship.
Right now you can't be trusted. Sort it out.