I so rarely get jokes in my inbox that are worth sharing, that it's a pleasant surprise when it happens. Here's "A Christmas to Remember":
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. . . She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantle, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
It was truly a Christmas to remember.
An elderly gentleman came into my store today with his wife. She was shopping. He needed to use the bathroom and then wanted to sit down. We found him a chair while he waited and then he and I started to talk.
He was a fighter pilot in WW2 in the Pacific. He shot down one Zero and may have gotten another.
He was shot down three times.
The last time he bailed out of his plane and came to earth on a silk parachute. He was rescued and managed to salvage his 'chute. He sent it to his long-time girlfriend in NC with the message "this would make a nice wedding dress."
She took it to the seamstress, had it made into a gown and married some other guy.
We laughed with him about his story. His wife came up, made her purchase and then the two of them toddled out. -rjb-
so quite possibly the same parachute saved him TWICE.
What made you SMILE today?
Dixie dog loves to chase his tennis ball and swim. He is part Lab and part chow. When I came home his delight at seeing me and his body language makes me
smile everyday.
My youngest son come to me this evening, having used camo face paint (the grease kind) to paint his body. HIS WHOLE BODY.....he wanted to be a War Chief!
The way he bowed his chest out at me....standing there half naked, I got a big ole smile out of that one. You'd just have to seen it....lol.
hey whats going on with everybody's avatars?!
<giggles>
festive season, huh.
ah - but YOUR avatar's always been ready for the festive season! <grins>
Update on the camo makeup escapade...lol.
During thier bath time the oldest one told the lil one that his..."thing" was going to fall off since he got that camo makeup on it, while taking off his clothes.
I didn't know what was going on till he come running wet from the tub, with big tears in his eyes wanting to know where that makeup was at? When he whispered in my ear " Mom, my gooby want fall off if I get the makeup on it will it?"...I laughed at him, telling him no....he said that his bubba told him that it was on the back of the makeup as a warning!! That it would make it fall off! It took us an hour or two to convince him that it wasn't.
To think at 5 he's that concerned with that particular part of his body.....haha
Great posts today and very funny jokes made me laugh out loud.
Sozlet is adorable, with her very pragmatic, small-child point of view.
This one made me smile today.
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, studied hard, and and eventually became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived
far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this: You know how Mama loved reading the Torah, and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
"It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Dear Menachim, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes ... and the driver you hired is a Nazi. But the thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
A penny saved is a penny earned; that's how one reaches hundreds then thousands - one hopes.
C.I. Loved the Jewish joke. Made me smile. It reminds me of the inmate who spent his years in prison training an ant to do all sorts of fantastic things: roll over--jump through a tiny hoop--sit up and beg, etc.
When the man was finally released on parole, he decided that with his trained ant, he could make a fortune in the outside world. The first thing he did was to go to a bar and have a long awaited beer. He wanted to show the bartender his super ant and what it could do. He took the ant out of its tiny box and put it on the bar. He said to the bartender, "Hey, see this ant?" The bartender took the bar rag and obliterated the ant saying, " Sorry, Guv."
cicerone imposter, I appreciated your funny joke.
when my friend called me to tell me something because she knew i would be the only one to understand. *warm fuzzies*
ooh, ouch, ci. . . :-)
Sun made me smile today. . . and it's payday!
Getting my one-way tickets out of here made me grin from ear to ear today.
In fact every time I've thought about going over the last two weeks I've turned into an almost hysterical laughing machine.
Awesome.
There is a lovely dusting of snow outside -- everything is white and glowing slightly in the darkness.
We put up our tree yesterday -- it is absurdly perfectly shaped, conical, not a wayward branch. It is decorated and emanating piney scents.
We decided to bake something today, just got it out of the oven, warm spicy carrot cake smells mingling with the rest.
All makes me smile, but sozlet's delight in it, especially. (Last night, when E.G. came home, she met him at the side door, insisted that he close his eyes, and with great ceremony led him to the living room and told him to open his eyes and behold the tree. She was literally hopping around with excitement.)
number 3 child (boy, 19) storms in at 1 pm today frantic, again, about getting a cheap last minute flight for himself, brother and cousin to visit my daughter in panama christmas week, again,,,yeah right i think to myself but go thru the motions for the umpteenth time.
we finally find the website from the vague info he has henscratched on a matchbook cover, enter the dates etc and a list of about twenty flights comes up with prices, flight numbers, time of departure, arrival and in the last column type of aircraft.
he looks at the 'puter screen and says 'cool, they even tell you the pilots names'. i said 'huh'? he says 'yeah look, mcdonnell douglas,,,,,but i wonder what this dude boeing's first name is?'
i waited til he left before i cracked up.
