Tue 7 Mar, 2017 12:43 am
Hey everyone, I came here because I am hoping to get some insight and advice without being judged. First, let me tell you I am a severe overthinker who also suffers from anxiety. I am 36 years old, never married, no children. I typically am not one to have a sexual only relationship and have only had "intercourse" with a total of 4 men in my life, including the one I am about to seek advice on.
This past December I started sleeping with and having a FWB situation with a co-worker. It was totally out of character for me, but at the same time I loved the risks we took and the convenience of it as we saw each other at least 5 days at week at work. He, however, is married. He has always been upfront with me and told me from the beginning that this is all it was, just sexual. He has no intentions of leaving his wife and no feelings were involved from either side.
I felt bad about what I was doing at first, but I overlooked it because of the excitement and fun I was having - now let's fast forward to current day, he recently, no longer works with me. This upsets me more than I could EVER imagine. For someone who doesn't have feelings for someone I find myself miserable at work and crying nonstop. I am worried we will no longer see each other, he is not accessible for me to talk to as easily and I am worried he will just stop talking to me all together.
I have only seen him once since we stopped working together, granted, it's only been about 2 weeks since our working together ended. I am a utter mess over this! I can't quit thinking about him and I do not know when it is safe to text or try to get a hold of him because of his home situation. I really want to stay friends with him.
I feel like now that we no longer work together he is done with our arrangement and it really hurts me, maybe because I was so out of character with him and I invested more than I should have as far as how much I care.
What should I do? Should I continue to try to talk to him? And how do I stop being so depressed and miserable? I literally cry ALL THE TIME to the point where my eyes are swollen and I make up lies about having a headache or my sinuses bother me.
Any suggestions or insight is greatly appreciated. I just ask that you please do not judge me in a negative manner. I have enough I am constantly worried about.
xx - Overthinker
... I feel like now that we no longer work together he is done with our arrangement ...
And there's your answer. You're right. It was situational for him. I'm sorry, but he's done.
So, what to do? Get some counseling. Talk to an impartial professional about how you are feeling. And try to determine why you would put yourself into such a situation in the first place.
See, this is why FWB sucks. No one ever knows what page they are supposed to be on. And this was an affair so it was even more 'page-less'. There was no permanence to this whatsoever (and you were told as much; at least give him some kudos for being upfront with you about that) yet now you are behaving as if something permanent-ish has been snatched away.
Whether you want permanence in your relationships or not is up to you. But at least understand that the expectations you had you went into FWB are the ones you should have when it ends. And that is the very opposite of permanence and stability.
How can we not judge you in a negative manner? By the way , use the word "An" before any word that starts with a vowel. The word "A" is not grammatically correct.
How are you doing? I guess feelings does develop over the course of time and it’s beyond our control.
Men and women view sex in a much different way. You lied to yourself and masked your emotions while it was going on. I would even bet you thought there was the possibility of a future with him but were fine with just being in the moment. The entire time, he was more than likely feeling nothing but lust for you. His emotional bond was at home doing all the things you couldn't do. Providing him with stability and being the reliable one. He wasn't going to give that up. I wouldn't be surprised if he continues to do this. There's something he's missing in his current relationship or he has a problem with impulse control.
In time, you'll get over it. This is a great learning lesson for you.