Useless Superpowers

I have. I'm just not a fan.

I can eat fifty M&Ms.

I can watch people eating 50 M&Ms. I prefer Reese Pieces (though I haven't eaten either candy for years).

I can leave without letting the door hit me in the the ass on the way out.

Seen it here Boss!

I can think chocolate.

And I can hindcast the weather with 100% accuracy.

Just discovered...

I can walk right through thin air and vanish completely in pitch-black darkness.

My photo can kill flies (when it's taped to a flyswatter), and I know secret fish stuff...

I can slow down the growth of my fingernails.

Hell, I can cause the best tasting food in the world to turn into the most foul smelling stuff imaginable . . . though sometimes not without great effort.

I was reminded this morning of a super power I had forgotten about. Maybe taking it for granted.

My feet, toes usually can always seem to catch corners of table or chair legs. Shoes seem to be kryptonite though for this ability.

Deadly Delayed Head Pain: I can make your head hurt the morning after you drink a simple magic fluid...

I have Super Teaching Power. I once taught a brick how to play the piano. That's right -- a brick! I taught it to play "Mary has a Little Lamb".

Well ... it got all the notes right, anyway. Not in order mind you, but all the notes were played.

Smart brick.

OK, they all got played at once. But they got played...

OK, OK! I dropped the brick on the piano and it hit all the keys required at the same time. OK, happy?

If it was your 1-year-old grandson, you'd be crooning "Oh, Look! He's PLAYING the piano!" But a brick...? NOOooo...! You wouldn't be proud of a brick, WOULD you...?

So -- my brick is as smart as an average 1-year-old kid at playing the piano. And I taught it.

How's THAT for a Super Teaching Power?

I can temporarily keep from throwing up due to motion sickness while watching Cloverfield by closing my eyes for a minute or two. Also includes the side power of regret that I also ate too much of chicken and rice from the local gyro takeout place 4 minutes away from my apartment.

Rollercoasters must be your rival.

My granddaughter told me she can count to potato.

I can hear in color. I understand the Poobah once sat facing a stone wall for 7 years listening to the brown screaming...

That's nothing. I taught a brick perfect manners and it sits silently during important speeches.

I also taught it to hold its breath under water...it can stay submerged for days, even weeks at a time and come out unscathed.

I can ignore video ads on one browser tab by switching to another browser tab and fudging around over there while the ads play on until the video I'm watching starts back up again.

I can make cannolis magically disappear

I have X-ray vision, but it only works on watermelons, and only to see rifles or army tanks. That's right, I can see if there is a rifle or a tank hidden inside a watermelon.

It has been known to work on butternut squash occasionally.

I am trying to get the DC movie scriptwriters to work that into the next Superman movie, but so far no response. I think maybe it's just too awesome and they are sitting in shock over the idea...