The continued reference to Mary Cheney by the Dems

DAILY EXPRESS
Character Education
by Steve Hely

Only at TNR Online | Post date 01.28.05

Lazy pundits eager for easy editorials were pitched two softballs this week by the Bush cabinet. Reports emerged about the Pentagon's creation of newly formed spy units, giving Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld power to direct clandestine operations. And Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings denounced PBS for spending taxpayer money on a cartoon that included lesbian characters. But what commentators failed to realize was the obvious connection between the two controversies.

Even the most casual viewer of action movies knows that secret spy units are the backbone of America's defenses against threats both human and robot alike. Ideally such a unit should have a cool name. The Pentagon might do well to rename its "Strategic Support" group something like "FireForce Tigertooth" or "OpTeam: Slashrazor." And one further hopes that these teams are staffed with brash, unshaven mavericks, who take no guff from the desk jockeys back at HQ. Yet too much power concentrated in one department can present a threat to the government's balance. One can only imagine the kind of nightmarish scenarios that might arise from having a cocksure, arrogant Secretary of Defense. Which is why every other cabinet secretary should also get a secret spy unit--starting with Margaret Spellings.

Consider the course of recent events. Spellings somehow learned that an unaired episode of "Postcards from Buster" features the cartoon's title character visiting Vermont, where he encounters lesbian couples and learns about maple sugaring. The education secretary declared that "many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in the episode." Presumably she meant lesbianism, not maple sugaring.

Luckily, Spellings spoke out in time, and PBS does not intend to distribute the episode. But what if she hadn't? Lesbians have demonstrated their power to penetrate not only the world of maple sugaring, but the world of cartoons about maple sugaring as well. How much more of a wake-up call do we need?

A covert operations unit, reporting directly to the Secretary herself, would be an invaluable resource. Among other benefits, such a unit would free up valuable time Spellings apparently spends watching unaired episodes of "Postcards from Buster." But more importantly, it would provide a front-line strikeforce against incipient lesbianism.

Imagine this scenario: Two lesbians are meeting in secret, feeling confident and secure as they plot to infiltrate a children's cartoon. Suddenly, their scheming is interrupted by the piercing sound of a Blackhawk helicopter. It's "EdSquad: Thunderclap" (my suggested name), the elite force of the Department of Education. Another mission a success; another cartoon defended.

But foiling lesbians would be only one of the many tasks of a secret education intelligence unit. Relying on test scores to monitor school progress would be a thing of the past, as EdForce Mongoose (another of my name suggestions) could covertly determine just which children were being left behind. And by whom.

Detention and canceled recess are simply not effective deterrents to bullies anymore. Appeasement has failed. It's time to let EduStrike Hawksclaw (I've got tons of these) clamp down with stun grenades and Bradley fighting vehicles. Spitballs would be preemptively located and destroyed while still in the development stage.

For too long we've allowed the Department of Education to go unequipped, while lesbians and children only grow stronger. The sooner the Secretary of Education has human intelligence and first-strike capability, the better.

But our goals shouldn't be limited. Ultimately, all cabinet members should have their own ops teams. Think of a utopia without fear of poultry rebellion or cattle uprising--that's the America we could live in if Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns had the intelligence resources he so badly needs. Consider how much more effective Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez would be at protecting trademarks if his ComCommandos could negotiate with the business end of an AK-47. Flu vaccines wouldn't be so hard to find if the Department of Health and Human Services searched with Predator drones. Planning on stocking your factory with unsafe machinery? You'll think twice if you have Secretary Elaine Chao's LaborNinjas to worry about.

The problem with our intelligence has been too much organization, too much careful coordination. It's time to spread jurisdiction and control as widely as possible, to maximize success.

Secret spy groups and cartoon lesbians are all over the news. But it's time we realized the former is a solution to the latter. And it's time every administration official has what he needs to achieve the same kind of results Rumsfeld has gotten. It's time every cabinet secretary has a DropForce: Snowdragon. (They're free to use that.)


Steve Hely is a writer for the upcoming Fox show, "American Dad."

Keeping my fingers crossed and doin' lots of praying

Spellings somehow learned that an unaired episode of "Postcards from Buster" features the cartoon's title character visiting Vermont, where he encounters lesbian couples and learns about maple sugaring. The education secretary declared that "many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in the episode."

So, JW, Lash, Fox, what do you think of the Secretary of Education railing against a cartoon episode for including a lesbian couple?

Quote:

Spellings somehow learned that an unaired episode of "Postcards from Buster" features the cartoon's title character visiting Vermont, where he encounters lesbian couples and learns about maple sugaring. The education secretary declared that "many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyles portrayed in the episode."