OK, for some comic relief from
The Borowitz Report ...
KERRY RIPPED BY SWIFT BOAT LESBIANS FOR TRUTH
Gay Daughters of Boat Vets Unleash Attack Ads
Negative ads blasting Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry hit the airwaves today in a campaign financed by a group calling itself Swift Boat Lesbians for Truth.
The group, composed entirely of gay daughters of swift boat veterans, appears to be attempting to drive a wedge between Mr. Kerry and a traditionally Democratic voting bloc, the so-called "NASCAR Dykes."
In the ads, the swift boat lesbians angrily denounce Mr. Kerry for bringing up Vice President Dick Cheney's gay daughter Mary in the third and final presidential debate.
"With America under attack by both Iraq and France, the last thing we needed was for John Kerry to out Mary Cheney," says one of the swift boat lesbians. "By talking about Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, John Kerry has made our country less safe."
Perhaps feeling the heat, Mr. Kerry today shifted his position on Ms. Cheney slightly, telling an audience in Wisconsin that he believed the vice president's daughter was bisexual.
But the swift boat lesbians immediately fired back with a new attack ad, charging, "When it comes to Mary Cheney, John Kerry wants to have it both ways."
BUSH ADMITS LIP-SYNCHING TO TAPE OF CHENEY
Acid Reflux Blamed
President George W. Bush revealed today that he suffers from a sore throat brought on by acid reflux disease and that for the past four years he has extensively lip-synched to vocal tracks furnished by Vice President Dick Cheney.
Mr. Bush was forced to make the admission after an embarrassing incident at a campaign rally in Ohio, during which Mr. Cheney's disembodied voice came booming through the public address system while Mr. Bush was busy kissing a baby.
After a stunned silence fell over the audience, Mr. Bush revealed his medical condition and said that he frequently had Mr. Cheney's voice piped in through a bulge in the back of his jacket.
The president added that although acid reflux disease was a serious illness, he was not in favor of using stem cell research to find a cure for it.
[..] In other campaign news, President Bush said that the U.S. was doing everything in its power to locate 380 tons of missing explosives in Iraq, adding, "We are checking eBay every day."
Elsewhere, Barb and Jenna Bush hit the campaign trail today to make an impassioned pitch for their pet issue, the importation of cheap beer from Canada.
PETA SEEKS TO BAN ANIMALS FROM POLITICAL ADS AFTER COYOTE EATS OSTRICH
Kerry Drops Plans to Use Tortoise, Hare
The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is seeking a total ban on the use of animals in political ads after a coyote ate an ostrich during the filming of an ad for Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry.
According to a Kerry aide who witnessed the commercial shoot, an ostrich symbolizing President George W. Bush was supposed to stick its head in the sand while a coyote representing foreign terrorists appeared ominously in the background, but "we forgot to feed the coyote."
Instead of remaining in the background, the aide said, the hungry coyote pounced on the ostrich and swallowed it whole.
Under pressure from PETA and other animal rights groups, Mr. Kerry has now scrapped plans for new negative ads that were to have featured a tortoise, a hare, a grasshopper and an ant.
But with just one week to go until Election Day, Mr. Kerry may have already alienated a traditional Democratic constituency: bird-loving whack-jobs.
Campaigning in Florida today, Mr. Kerry was repeatedly interrupted by hecklers in the audience chanting "Goose killer! Goose killer!
Mr. Kerry departed from his prepared remarks to acknowledge that he did in fact go hunting for geese last week, but added, "I missed."
[..] He also accused the White House of using the war on terror for political gain, noting that the Department of Homeland Security had recently raised the terror alert from "yellow" to "liberal."