he left his wife then went back

Hi, I am so glad I found this forum and this section. Everywhere else I have ever posted about my issues I got judgement and criticism. Of course I hate to see everyone else's pain but it is good that we are not alone and can talk about it openly.

I am a 34 year old female, I had an affair for 1.5 years with a 50 year old married man (married for 25 years with 6 children). I met him in my 3rd year of uni, he was my professor. ( I was a mature student.) First we got together in a cliche affair but soon after feelings developed on both sides and we fell in love.

We would see each other every day, go on trips away together (disguised as work for uni), text all day and night long and we were very close, open with each other and the chemistry and attraction between us was overwhelming.

However, it was not always good times. He was obviously emotionally immature and had difficulty dealing with stressful situations or handling his emotions. He would go hot and cold, particularly after a trip together he would go funny, saying he felt guilty, think about ending it, not talk to me for a few days which hurt me immensely, but he would always crawl back after a few days when he calmed down saying to forgive him and that he had been an idiot. I did and told him not to do it again because it was very painful and inconsistent. He promised he wouldnt, until he did the next time and I forgave him again.

Anyway about 6 months down the line we started talking about a common future. I am in a long term relationship for 10 years which I am not happy with (not married or kids). We were planning to break up our relationships and start a life together sometime in the future. So we continued as we were for the time being, his episodes of hot and cold and my episodes of happiness and pain continued also.

I suspected deep inside that he wasnt to be trusted and that he was weak and inconsistent, because he would often tell me he loved me one day and then something would snap in his mind and the next day he would say he could not do this anymore and go off, not talking to me for a few days. Near the end, I even doubted whether I wanted to share a future with a man like him, who always made me feel anxious as I did not know in which next moment he was going to turn. I was always on my toes around him, always watching for signs that his emotional state is wavering. However, this all came to an end last week, or so I naively thought.

Last week he decided that enough is enough and he was going to leave his wife. So, to my great surprise, last Friday he told her that he had been seeing me, he loved me and was leaving to be with me. They also told his parents and their children and he was gone. I know this to be true, because we spent the night together afterwards and I read all the messages from his wife and family that he was being bombarded with. He seemed distressed but ok and I thought this was it, he finally made the step and so we celebrated the start of our new life together. Not for long, as it transpired.

The next day I could see his emotional state slipping and later that day he went to see his mother who must have planned an intervention.

So the next morning, he announced over text that he had made a mistake, he had to go back to his wife and things had to end between us and he had to cut me off. At first I took it ok because tbh deep inside I expected it, however later the devastation descended. I also made the fatal mistake of going out to drown sorrows and not leaving my phone at home. So the evening turned into a series of drunk undignified conversations and I said and did some horrible things to him.

I was so angry, hurt and in throes of total despair and rejection that I did not even care if I embarrassed myself. So it is needless to say he told me he never wanted to speak to me again and was very harsh about it. But it was fine with me, I think on some level I did that to sabotage him and myself, because it could have been possible that he might change his mind and crawl back to me again once he realized what a miserable life he was coming back to.

His wife, children, family all know what he did and will never trust or respect him again. By acting a bit crazy I prevented him to ever coming back to me, because I too couldn't trust myself that I would not take him back as I did many times before.

So here I am a week later. I know logically I should be happy that he is gone and that it was probably a lucky escape for me. I could have started living with this man, given up my current relationship, and he could have changed his mind, dump me and go running to his wife at any time. But even knowing all this I am deeply sad and I miss him, and the pathetic part of me even wishes he would come back. There is a huge void in my life that was previously filled by him and our constant communication and I feel so alone. I do not know how to cope and I am so glad that I found this place.