Calling all mistresses (and men too)

That's always true whether you know or like it.

No one single person can be everything , to you or anyone

Quite...

Just gotta be yourself , life is so short .

You and Tiger don't actually like men do you..

I don't blame you much, if I had to believe in the socially acceptable roles for men, women, families, etc. I'd probably hate women

Leadfoot, some of my closest friends are male. I actually think they make better chums because the element of feminine competitive envy is removed. Admittedly, a few of my male chums are gay, but generally my missive is not gender specific, more about plain old fashioned common decency.

Mine too, I am most definitely not a man hater. I

@tiger81
I just ended an affair with a married man around a month back. He’s 37, married with a kid and I’m 32 single. I am currently quite confused as I don’t know how should I deal with this. Part of me wants to leave but part of me still love him. I don’t understand why would he want to do this since he seems to be in a loving relationship with his wife.

Hi , Im an ex other woman
this is my story from the now

I got a shocking call from my ex married man yesterday. He broke it off after christmas 2016 after claiming he was born again ( we dated for 2years and 2 months). This was 3months before i had enough, i was emotionally and psychologically drained by his poor treatment of me and broke up with him, he came back begging & some way we ended up bk together. So when he broke up in 2016 , i finally told his wife physically and not by telephone to keep it final and apologized sincerely for all the pain i had caused because i had been feeling so guilty all the while and it was my mantra never to date a married man before then(went against my values because i was weak when i met him, i had just come out from an abusive relatonship) and was so wrong for having anything to do with her man. It was a messy day and i told him never to contact me again and blocked all hs lines on my phone. (Its a really long and complicated story but this is just the brief)

Well yesterday after about 1 year and 4 months, i get a phone call, turned out to be him, he called to apologize for all the horrible way he treated me. Quite frankly, the apology was not sincere and you could sense the arrogance in his voice. He started off by saying could i remember i had called to apologize to him after dday and he didnt listen which i said i never did and would do no such thing, he then said it was not easy for him to call me but he just had to and that he was sorry. I said its ok but i have moved on with my life and dropped the call. I have since blocked his number again and plan on having nothing whatsoever to do with him or any other married guy. When i realised it was him, i had a quick rush of anger in my head, i almost wanted to be so rude and tell him off but i felt that would be too much power to give to someone who did not matter anymore so i kept my cool, heard the nonsense he had to say, cut the call and block the number he called with.

I have grown from extremely loving this guy back then to hating everything he did to me including him.My brain is much more clear now as to what i want and need in my life and it is certainly not him. I was there for him financially which included making funds available to pay tuition fee for hs kids and for maintaining his business activities, emotionally, gave business ideas, physically etc. I was his go to girl when he needed someone to help, i was always there (which when i think of it now he was just using me).

My life is so much better ever since i told his wife to ensure it was final , when we broke up i went through hell emotionally and psychologically and i am not about to do myself a disservice by allowing him back in. Im doing well, passing all my professional exams (which i never did while with him), discovering myself and accepting myself with so much love. why call after a year and 4 months when i have moved on? It reminds me of the fact that this guy has no respect for his wife or would he for any lady. So no, i do not miss him or anything he has to say. He was horrible to me.

Maybe he has started having issues in his marriage again and is looking for an escape knowing i was always there, maybe he is bored with his life again, maybe he was trying to make a point to his friends or perhaps is looking for friendship. who knows and who cares? But i am definitely not going to wait to find out.

I wonder why they never go away..... but this girl aint missing no one or giving chances.

I just posted a new topic from my A that just ended Friday. I am very upset and frazzled as to what actually transpired. Out of the blue, I received an email from him ending it. I am besides myself right now!

Funny, I just noticed this.

Belatedly I must apologize to Lulubelle, I mistakenly read your response to me as 'Quiet' instead of 'Quite'. I thought you were trying to shut me up.

Hi

My second name is Peter, my first name is too unique. I have quite a story.

Pert 1.

I had an emotional affair for 2 years, sexual at the beginning and near the end but then it all stopped. How did it stop? She made it clear that we were only friends, but then said things like she loved me and wanted to marry me but then contradicted herself by saying she wanted to marry someone else. Yes, I was confused too. I then ended it thinking I'd rather not hear about that someone else. We then became distant friends.

Part 2

Months later, I have a new lover and she still has hers. Me thinking we were just friends I asked for some womanly advice about my new lover, she then flies into a jealous rage. WTF? But she said we were just friends, I thought she'd be ok. Isn't that what friends are for? I then offer to reacquaint our affair, she says no.

Part 3

We are both married to others, she is 46, me 47. My new lover is 42, she is also married. Her man has decided he is gay so she wants me because he gets no satisfaction from her despite her being near the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Part 4

I love my wife and do not want to hurt her as she has given me 3 beautiful children. I have always taken care of her and the kids and have provided her a stable home. The thing is, we are so different. I married her in the church but now I've been an atheist for 10 years we are so apart. We are married 22 years, at 20 years I started my first affair, now just started the second.
I was a novice the first time so the wife found out, I'm more confident this time but of course I'm still concerned. I asked my wife for permission to have an affair, she strongly disagreed. I later said I did mean to ask.
I cannot leave her because my youngest is 12, he needs Daddy. My 20 year old boy and him will always be on Mum's side if we were to part, where my 18 year old daughter will be on mine.
I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, yet my emotional and sexual needs are not being met. I have tried counselling, etc, but I know we are so different. As I said, I cannot leave her but also for the fact she still wants me.

Holy hell, what a **** situation I'm in.

Pull me apart or advise me, please.

Thank you

Peter

This whole affair situation is unique for everyone, but has a lot of obvious similarities - it's a shared attraction that can't be fully acted on for various reasons. I've read several posts about how complicated an affair is and I'm in an understanding position because I currently desire to have an affair, and have made some mistakes in the effort. But, also because my current marriage resulted from an affair. The marriage is good, but uninspiring and rote.

Long after you asked, but you need to stop thinking about divorce as a forbidden solution. I was caught in that trap myself for only a little less time than you have.

And have you discussed your change in theistic beliefs with your wife? I give you credit for being honest with her about needing someone else. I would only advise you not to just transfer your need onto another. My own take on what is wrong with society is that it does not face the reality that one relationship does not fill anyone's need for emotional intimacy. We want more, and I don't mean just more sex; that is the really fucked up thing here. Intimacy is not equivalent to sex and this society thinks it is.

The only life lesson I ever remember my dad giving me was "you are going to get married and you are going to cheat, only cheat with someone who has as much to lose as you do." I have been on both sides, I married 2 serial cheaters. I have been with married women. When I was younger I used to think if they are going to cheat it might as well be me. As I got older I actually turned down married women. Actually told one who came on to me pretty hard to call her husband. I think people are only as unfaithful as their best options. If the right option is given most people will take it. For a typical guy it will be a woman who has more sexual appeal than his wife, or who shows the promise of doing something his wife will not or does not do, limited risk factors. There are variables. After my first wife cheated on me I stayed for the kids and our sex life was never great. I was the other guy with I think 4 or 5 married women a couple of separated and a couple of single women. It was only about the sex. It was usually passionate, exciting sex that you only get in the beginning of a relationship. I was addicted to it. My second wife was a different story. She was perfect. Then she had an emotional affair. See what happens.

Hmm.. There really are different approaches to life

What happened? Are you and the 2nd wife still together?

My affair continues, it works for me. And until it doesn't work for one of us, it will continue on.

was in a 12+yr affair with a married woman 3yrs younger. it started when I was 33 and ended at 45. this affair lasted thru 2 of my long term relationships of my own.

we met only 5 times in those 12 years, but we'd talk for hours upon hours each day, to the detriment of our daily lives. we'd forego sleep, and our daily tasks in our own lives, just so we could talk.

we'd talk for months at a time, with months/years between when we'd "break up" or part ways... each time, thinking it was the last time. We probably did this a dozen times during those 12 years.

we ended it as suddenly as we started; or perhaps it was ending as each time, she asked me to leave my relationship for her. Of course, she wouldn't leave her safe relationship either, unless she was sure i'd leave mine. After the last time when I rejected her, b/c the gf at the time was going thru the death of her parent, she said something broke inside of her, but honestly, I think it was happening for a while. it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

it came to halt, after we met for the last time. We finally had a "vacation" where it was just us for 10 days. 10 days of intense sex, loves, hates, fights, etc.

Chicken or the egg, i'm not sure if she became the way she did b/c of our 12+yrs of interaction or if she was going to turn out like this anyway. She became more and more superficial year by year... obsessed with her looks, losing weight, getting affirmation from anybody "worthwhile" in terms of her looks. She looked gorgeous with 1.5hrs of makeup and hair and all that. She looked great in clothes; outside of it... (shrug)... but i believe i purposedly blinded myself to her faults b/c somewhere along the line, i really fell for her.

the ironic part was... for so many years, it was the other way around... karma, right?

at any rate, eventually, it came to a screeching halt when i realized 2 weeks after we met for the last time, she already had another guy lined up to "date". i was floored. but taking a look at the whole 12 years, i can't say she's an evil woman or anything like that.. she's just a woman with low self esteem who was trying to escape a marriage where the man genuinely loved her, but incapable of giving her the attention, love, sex she wanted. But at the same time, unwilling to leave the monetary benefits of that relationship unless she had the equivalent set up and ready.

it's hard to sum up 12years worth of knowing someone into a few paragraphs, so there will be misunderstandings all around, but that sums up what happened.

I'm sure there are intricacies and subtle info i'm not aware of or simply not remembering, but basically what was said and done was... she had moved on to something she felt she truly wanted, but honestly, she doesn't really know what she wants... she has no peace with what she has and is constantly seeking new ways to be happy; but currently, i'm just working on my own end of finding peace and happiness that truly lasts that requires reality and real life work to make it happen.

All affairs are fantasy. a very VERY few select affairs may turn into great loves, but the odds are stacked against you.

Affairs don't involve real life, no matter how many hours each day you talk about sex, desires, loves, thoughts, hurts, pains, history... those connections may be real, but it exists in a bubble called "an affair". When reality hits it, VERY VERY few affairs survive reality.

The only way our affair lasted so long... was b/c not enough reality burst our affair. who knows, perhaps if we had commited sooner and met that reality head on, perhaps... mebbe perhaps, we'd survive... like i said, after 12+ years of my rejection to join her, i wonder if she became the way she did.... b/c of how i treated her.

it's just gonna be one of those things, where you'll never truly know, but you gotta move on and find some sort of peace.

ending an affair, voluntarily or involuntarily, is one of the worst experiences of my life... its painful and you feel like you're going thru some chemical dependency withdrawal... and in some ways you are... dopamine/seratonin/ocytonin.... etc... but you'll survive it. for those who are thinking about it.

b/c in the long term... you screw yourself over with affairs.. esp if you're with someone and you have it, b/c the more you have affairs....or meet someone... 1 person or a dozen.... it slowly seperates you from the person you're with... until one day, that person can no longer join you on your journey... b/c you've changed.

I also feel some guilt over that... for 12 years, we sexually satisfied each other... and emotionally... and i know that changed her.... to a point where even though their relationship had problems to begin with... i may have inadventently destroyed any possibility of rectifying it.. obviously it was her choice as well.. but i have to accept the possibility that i may have played a role in it, as well.

as for me, i'm trying to reconnect with the relationship i've had for over 10yrs... and i'm slowly started to see again why I fell in love with her. I was crazy about her at one time, but whenever we ran into problems, instead of being an adult and addressing them(even if rejected multiple times) i ran back into my affair.

it involved sex, but it was also emotionally connected and that's why i'm currently working on feeling that love again. they say you can't choose who you fall in love with or love... that's very true... i'm hoping i can fall in love with my current relationship of 10yrs again... no sure bet. that's what i mean by screwing yourself over.. sexually, emotionally, mentally.... that affair you have damages everyone around, but especially you... even if you choose to love the person you're with again... and that person NEVER finds out about your affair(s)... you've changed and you realize you've gone on a journey without your true partner.

even if you're in an unhappy or even abusive relationship... GET OUT... then be single... then seek out someone... b/c you're almost always guaranteed to ruin the next relationship no matter what type of relationship you're in.

of course there are exceptions, but that's like 1 in a million. i know, those of us in emotional affairs always feel like we're different.. mebbe you are, mebbe you're not... but the difficulties you have is nothing compared to the difficulties you'll experience after an affair. for yourself, if no one else.

we all have our special affairs that are different from others... special reasons or circumstances, but one common theme is the same... there's something about your relationship you lack and you seek it in other relationships (abusive, no sex, not enough sex, not the right kind of sex, not the right kind of emotional connection, etc)... you lack something in your current relationship and so no matter how you and the affair met... how coincidental or fated, you were ripe for an affair b/c something in your current relationship was lacking or something you don't want to face and it's easier with an affair.

my affair had a husband who was good on paper, but lacked emotional connectivity and sexual chemistry. We had both. We thought it was enough. it wasn't, b/c those weren't the real problems. Those were just the symptoms, not the reason.

anyway, good luck to you all in all your thoughts... I have no judgements about any of you, or why you do it, done it, or keep doing it.

I don't have that right. All I can do is share what i've learned and hopefully, you don't go thru the inexcrutiating pain i went thru or if you already are... hopefully, this can help you in some little way.

Funny thought... as i went thru months of pain... i suddenly realized how much pain i must have put my affair partner thru each time i rejected her. and I'm also realizing, thankfully, the pain i've caused my current relationship with my affair.

I realized I was always thinking about my pleasure, my happiness, my hurt, my pain... i became quite unaware of my partner's pain or my affair's pain... sure i felt guilt, but not enough to stop and not enough to enjoy it.

Good luck to you all!

Thanks for writing it down dude. Lots of parallels with my own experiences.

Keep on think'n.

all our experiences are unique and diff, yet a similar theme has many parallels.

i don't know what you're going thru, but whatever you decide, it's really a choice about growing up or not.

right now, i'm still going thru the withdrawal symptoms of the connection i had with my affair... so the pain helps me keep a level head... but there will always be temptations to not deal with your reality/relationship and instead seek the happy happy fantasy of an affair. But the pain ebbs away each week, though there are times in the morning or moments where i have too much time on my hands, where my mind wanders and i'm plagued by the dopamine feelings of the high i used to get having someone so into me... but realize, it's very self defeating. they're into the fantasy of you in their heads... not the REAL you.

and trust me, we vid, we talked, we explored hours of non sexual connections between us both.. i knew her kids, i knew her past, her traumas, her abuses.... so many intimate parts of her life... and yet, in the end, when she found someone who she felt connected with her better for that time in her life... i was left in the dust. b/c reality intruded on us, and the fantasy of a diff partner without reality was so much more appealing than the reality of me and her...

(shrug)... we all have our addictions... i'm trying to overcome my own... hers is no longer my concern, but I hope she realizes her pattern of moving on from partner to partner... whether it be weekly or monthly or several years, it's still a pattern of behavior.

good luck to you!