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I need men's opinions on my husbands emotional affair

 
 
Gina415
 
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 06:49 am
My husband recently had a 3 week emotional affair with his assistant at work that is half his age. They started out flirting and she developed feelings for him and told him and from that moment he was hooked and the flirting and outside phone calls started behind my back. I discovered it and it's stopped now, but he claims he was not attracted to her, only the attention he was getting. She's a cute girl, not hot, but cute. So my question is, can a married man really start an emotional affair that can potentially ruin his marriage and flirt heavily with someone he's not even attracted sexually to? I know I couldn't. I just found that odd and hard to believe. I'd love men's opinions if any men have done the same thing.
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 07:42 am
Too many unanswered questions:

How old are all parties involved?

Are you and your husband still intimate?

Were these phone messages overtly sexual or flirty?

Has your husband ever indicated that he has been/is attention-starved?
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:02 am
@PUNKEY,
Husband 41, girl is 22. Yes, still intimate. He said they were flirty but not sexual and just talking. After this happened he told me that he realizes he was just being selfish and wanted to feel wanted and liked the attention from her. Even though I always give him what he needs, he kind of justified this and past behaviors of looking at porn and dating sites because he wanted to feel wanted and liked that attention. Now he realizes if he had given me attention like he wanted, that I would have given more attention to him. I always give him sex, but I don't throw myself at him for this exact reason. The betrayals have made me kind of keep him at arms distance for fear of being hurt over and over by him. He signed up for match.com two weeks after I gave birth to our last child who is 16 months old and I just had a c-section and had post Partum depression, not to mention other sites earlier this year like Ashley Madison, and other hookup sites. So this is something I've dealt with out while marriage. Ive never once lied or cheated on him no matter how bad things got. This one hurt the most because it's someone he works with and still works with and I have to deal with that and it made it very personal for someone he's apparently never been attracted to and it's not a virtual thing. It was a live betrayal happening behind my back.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:20 am
@Gina415,
He has a bad history - how long did you think it would take before he took his actions more "local."? Now it's real and in your face.

Have you two ever gone to counseling?
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:30 am
@PUNKEY,
I recently looked at his Facebook activity history and saw he actually looked up local woman and woman who are local in open relationships in the search while I was pregnant. I wanted sex all the time when I was pregnant and he didn't like every time I'm pregnant, but as soon as I have the baby he wants me to throw myself at him. By that time I'm hurting from my c-section, hurting from breast feeding, my hormones are out of whack and I feel very undesirable and he whines that I neglected him. So he looks at all this stuff and has received nude Picts online, but has never physically acted on it besides this work emotional affair with a girl half my age.
0 Replies
 
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:32 am
@PUNKEY,
I just find it very hard to believe any man would flirt with a girl they aren't physically attracted to....I would never carry on a relationship with a man I wasn't sexually attracted to. Seems ridiculous, but that's why I need opinions from men if that's possible
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:35 am
@Gina415,
Sorry, no counseling. He said he has finally figured out why he was doing it and it was selfish and now he sees and appreciates me and is in love with me more than ever and doesn't ever want to let me go. But now I'm angry and bitter and feel like I want him to hurt like he's hurt me. He has never experienced the pain he's put me thru and I always forgive and forgive and feel like I get the short end of the stick while he gets away with it over and over. Married 19 years, half my life, I really love him, just pissed.
TheCobbler
 
  2  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 10:15 am
@Gina415,
If she is still under foot working at his office most likely the affair has gone underground.

Watch him like a hawk and, psst (place a voice activated recording device in his office.) Go in a week later and retrieve it, hide it well.

One dirty deed deserves another.

I am gay so maybe I am not the type of man's advice you were seeking. lol

Don't blame me for the results.

A friend of mine hid a recorder on his girlfriend and found out she was having an affair with another woman.

She was so angry with him she broke up with him.
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 12:48 pm
@TheCobbler,
Hey, doesn't matter at all that you're gay, an opinion is an opinion. I've already called her and texted her telling her to back off or I was going to be waiting for her one morning. I think I scared him enough this time and actually told my oldest I was divorcing dad, so I think that scared the **** out of him because this time I wasn't tolerating the excuses. We are working on it, and it's going to be a process. Still hoped for more opinions on whether you flirt with someone you're not attracted to!!!! Does that make sense to you?
TheCobbler
 
  2  
Reply Wed 31 Aug, 2016 05:29 am
@Gina415,
Thanks Gina, I hope this works out.

Because I make all potential partners have a slew of STD tests before any sex I am usually a one chance guy. They mess around or I walk into the bathroom and catch them shooting up (which has happened before) and it means a whole slew of test all over again. I am usually all over it by that time.

0 Replies
 
Tiger81
 
  5  
Reply Wed 31 Aug, 2016 09:40 am
@Gina415,
I just had to reply to this being that kids are involved.

Why would you tell the oldest you're divorcing dad? That seems passive aggressive and manipulative. The issues are between you and your husband who appears to be a habitual cheater. He may say its never been physical but what you've said here makes appear he has been cheating for years and you don;t want to beleive it.

If he won't go to counseling, go by yourself. Find out why you put up with this.
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Aug, 2016 11:51 am
@Tiger81,
I told my oldest only because my husband and I agreed at the time that we will be divorcing and I wanted him to know. He could visibly see I was upset daily for almost two weeks straight, not eating and crying.
Are you saying he's probably been cheating for years physically and I don't want to see it? I consider all those things I have found to be cheating on me, I have found everything I ever found out on my own, not by his own admission. Once I approached him with whatever I find, he will apologize and say he doesn't know why. He claims its low self esteem and wanted to feel that boost. I don't think he has ever been physical with anyone because unfortunately I keep a close eye on him and we talk throughout the day often. I guess I didn't really realize that everything he's ever done was cheating until I started reading up on it all when I was so heartbroken from this assistant flirting. Now after 18 years I am realizing he's always been unfaithful to me, just not in the way of going out and having sex. I might be putting up with it because I really love him, been with him half my life, we have 4 kids and my mother was a habitual cheater on my dad and my dad is still wth her. She doesn't cheat anymore but she did the first 30 years of their marriage.
Gina415
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Aug, 2016 11:53 am
@Gina415,
My oldest is 17, a senior. And I was so upset that my 14 year old actually asked me what my problem was and if daddy cheated on me or something. I said no and said it was between his dad and I, but because I truly planned on being done with him at the time I wanted to tell my oldest.
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Sep, 2016 08:18 pm
@Gina415,
As Tiger said find out WHY you put up with this?
nothing else matters at this point.
0 Replies
 
 

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