So how are YOU today?

No, that part didn't sound in the least bit anguished .....

nimh, it's taken an awfully long time for you to disconnect from this particular thing, and has actually been one of my fondest wishes for you in finally getting away, going to Hungary, starting something new. The breakup was all the way back in 2003 now? Wow. You have put just mind-boggling amounts of energy and emotion into this. I don't think conscience really comes into it, (though you are also probably too quick to blame yourself and too slow to give yourself credit); nobody should have to try that hard.

ihavewaywaywaytoomuchtodoandnotenoughtimetodoitineeeeeeeek!!!

The good news: it's been gradual and has taken a lot of work, but as of now I am positively inundated with job opportunities. I'm not complaining. Really not. But I have to start prioritizing, there's no way I can do all of this without putting sozlet in childcare which I don't wanna do. She's at her friend's house for a few hours and I am spinning my wheels and wasting time at A2K. Gotta prioritize. <deep breath...>

Priority - sozlet, no question.

It's the first day of my local literary festival today and the theme is psychology which I find fascinating. The topics are
1. From Fire to Freud - Ideas that shaped the world.
2. Making Happy People
3. Emotional Rollercoaster
4. Why We Tell Stories.

Bit disappointing this year as only the second of those is given by an actual psychologist, the rest are all journalists - they already dominate our lives too much, IMHO!

I had an ok day overall. Tommorrow is my cousins engagement so I'm a little stressed out though. I just want to get this over and done with. I don't wanna go though... these big situations make me nervous .. I hate crowds.

Sozlet is four now, correct? Have you checked into preschools? It would be great for her, and would also give you some time to focus on work.

Preschool rocks (she's been going since last September), but is out for the summer. Resumes in September again, will help for sure.

Partly it's just that the work has crept up on me -- have applied for jobs or sent out feelers over the last couple of months (and continue to apply), and more and more things are landing on my lap. I want to make money, but I don't want to take focus away from sozlet. The point has been just to make a little money on the side to take the edge off, not stop being a full-time mom.

Meanwhile I figured stuff out. Went through everything and have kept only the three jobs that have the highest per-hour pay. One paid a lot per-project, but required too many hours. Actually all caught up as of now! <sigh of relief>

The checks started actually rolling in last week and THAT is fun. I'm so used to volunteer stuff over the last several years, working hard is not new but getting paid for it is a lovely novelty.

i am very very tired

I'm sorry, Seed. Hey, it's Saturday. Go back to bed.

Soz, I'm glad to hear you worked it out. I did tons of volunteer work during my 30s, but stopped for the same reason you did. I figured if I was going to take time away from my son, I should at least get paid for it. And I've only worked part-time since.

I've never gotten involved with PTA or any of the other Volunteer Mom things. As I tell people, my son was born too late to take advantage of my good volunteer years. I've put my time in. It's somebody else's turn. And there are lots of younger moms out there who haven't spent years doing things just for the love of it. I tell them, "Go for it!"

And, you know? It's a funny thing how much more respect you get from people when they're paying you for your work.

im at work Eva.. been here since 430 and it sucks

Aw. sorry about that, Seed. Not good! But I do hope you're now sleeping, as I type this, hours later.

Slowly, slowly getting my head around going back to work tomorrow on this quiet Sunday morning. ... Last minute planning, tying up bits & pieces. I wish this cold was 100% gone, but it isn't. Oh well, softly, softly go I ......

Seed wouldn't take my advice, so I did. No sense wasting it. I had a nice, late nap in my overstuffed leather chair with my soft doggie and my plush throw. Could've stayed there all evening. <yawn>

Hope you're feeling better today, Olga; like Eva I decided to have a quiet napping night in and NOT to go to a party. Consequence is I feel fresh and bright for today's science talks at Ways With Words. Yesterday's Psychology Day was terrific!

Better, but not 100%, Clary. No doubt the experience of many adolescents, starting tomorrow - all thirsting for knowledge! - will sort me out!

You sounds like you're having a marvellous time at your conference!

Wish you could come along and relax in our beautiful place, although you are reserving a parking place in Heaven with your good work!

Hm - the girl who works here today is really nice too, really really friendly (I think she likes me, in a favourite customer kinda way) - but she always plays terrible music. (The others always get it exactly right.)

OK, sorry Prince - I didnt find noone for you. I tried, really I did, too.

The parade itself was mostly short (just two trucks with DJs and dancers - it was funny, in fact, all still schizophrenous - the gays up there dancing half-naked on their trucks, the lesbians walking in between having a demonstration with banners and all - heh.)

But I went to the party afterwards, some venue in the City Park, great place - and by the time I got there sometime after midnight, absolutely crammed full. The DJs were great - I LOVED being out dancing again.

But I didnt find any guy for ya... 600 guys in there, and not a single one I thought was attractive. Well, there was this oriental guy that was waiting in line to get in by me, but I didnt really talk to him and couldnt find him back later anymore. <sighs>

Still thought the girl go-go dancers were cuter than the boy ones too.

Ah well.. I guess its just not to be.

Actually, I didnt talk to anyone there. <frowns>

I didnt really mind so much last night - I just had a great time dancing, solid club house, female singer up on the balcony hurling a refrain in now and then, and you just get into the trance of it, feeling this surge of energy and - wellness - rock through your body and everything kinda disappears - except for whoever you happen to really like, if there is one - it's kinda like sex. And I was really blissed that I could get all a that feeling still, without chemicals - natural high. (Tho I was pretty jealous of those who were so visibly totally gone)

But today I'm kinda bummed about it. I mean, what was that about? I wasnt feeling particularly shy. I just gradually got this feeling that, like - everybody knew each other, and I was on the outside. Wasnt true tho - lotsa foreigners in there, for one - just this afternoon when I went to have a coffee at one of the big cukraszdas I ended up sitting next to this group of American girls, one of 'em cute too, who were talking about the party they'd been too - and when one of 'em whipped out the package of condoms she got there ("but, hey, I'm a girl", she'd still told 'em) I knew they'd been at the same party. They were just over here for the weekend from Prague (girl was a teacher). So it wasnt really like that. But I remember feeling exactly the same way the last time I went clubbing, two years ago or so. But then I thought it was just the E (cause its effect had by then gone from getting really open and eager to getting kinda insulated and a little suspicious - beware of that phase).

Perhaps it was cause I was kinda intent on finding someone I liked (hey you go to a GLBT party for the first time or you dont), so instead of just chatting with whomever was right there I was kinda always looking on?

So anyway, today I'm actually thinking about it and I'm a bit bummed. I've just had, like, the most social week I've had in - I dunno - years - getting to know new people or getting to know 'em better every night for eight days in a row and marvelling at how EASY everything goes - and this kinda puts my feet back on the ground. Confronted me with my deficiencies again. Wish I wasnt so shy in approaching total strangers.