So how are YOU today?

Oh nonononono ... those "brownies" taste bloody awful! What is that? Is it really that hard to make a cake with that ingredient that doesnt taste terrible?

Now I once had a bonbon with extra content tho...
oh
my
god.

I thought, oh just a li'l bonbon, that should be mellow! Booooooiiiiingg

Congratulations Habibi . . . the most graphic example of that was in a dream i had at about age 23 or 24, when i dreamed i was in St. Louis and some kid from a gang reached out with a razor and slit my throat. I closed my hand over the wound, and willed it to heal, then willed them to stop in their tracks. When everything calmed down, i thought "time to wake up." And i did . . .

I once had a dream that involved a certain amount of torridity with a female member of the opposite sex. As I had only just changed the bedsheets, I really tried to wake myself up............

It must be so much easier, being a woman.

I one does not use hashish, but rather leaf reefer, and adds coconut to the brownies, they are quite good.

Hmm - never made them myself, Set.

Today I'm again feeling pretty good. Just tired. But this city is like a second skin.

Things are pretty much good. There is one big sadness, and its back at home. But something happened last week, something bad, that in a way also kindof made things easier, in a rotten way.

I been mostly communicating with SMS - no landline, cant afford to call on the cell. Mostly friendly stuff with A., nice things. Last week got anger, which escalated and suddenly culminated in a last two messages that were just - out there.

It sucks. The things she now says about me - the whole reinterpretation of what happened, what I did or really must have wanted/felt, is just so totally wrong - its just so out there, that I really didnt know anymore what I could possibly say still. Where to even start.

And that was kind of an eye-opener, tho an unpleasant one. Up till now I've always kept dreams and possibilities open in the back of my mind. Cause I know what I really want - its just, I couldnt, I didnt dare to anymore. Because it all went so very wrong. But I kept wishing it would sometime be possible again.

But this chasm here - in perception, interpretation - of what happened - its so big - I really just cant imagine what I could ever still say or do to somehow get things right again, put the truth back in there.

I guess thats what people have to do, when they have to tear themselves away from you - they have to make you into a Monster.

That ******* hurts. But its also - I mean - <shrugs>. What can one possibly still say to that? <shrugs again>

So here I am. Its terrible to know that someone I love so much thinks like that about me. But this is out of my hands. Beyond what I could still do something about. And that in a way is also - I guess it also makes it easier. The accusations are so wild, that they're just self-defeating; easier to shrug them off. And knowing that the chasm apparently is so big that there's nothing I could possibly still say or do to make it OK again anyway, means I dont have to feel bad about myself anymore keeping on trying - and failing. Its out of my hands now.

So I'm focusing on here. I'm tired cause I had a good night last night - V and T came to collect the rent, stayed to chat, then I went to get something to eat (see What Made You Smile Today), Oum Kalsoum tape in the internetcafe, back to Sark cause of homegirl having asked whether Id come back that night. Didnt actually get to speak much to her, instead being diven into this deep, animated discussion about, I dunno, open societies, globalisation, identity, cultures, Huntington and what "home" means with a Hungarian guy who works as the organiser/communicator for a design studio for artists he runs with some friends. Verry engaging, very funny. Home at two though, so knackered now. And tonight I'm taking a colleague out for dinner, hope I wont offend her by yawning, just cause I'm so tired ... <grins>

I'm stepping in here, but it reminds me of a previous break up of mine, Nimh. The fault came really with trying to communicate in this broken and unsatisfactory way. We did email break-up across the world and misinterpretations and resentments really built up. Just hang the expense and phone! Not satisfactory either but at least you have a slight chance of understanding one another.

Overworked (and underpaid)

Clary, we broke up in September 2003 when she left me and went to live on her own ... this has been going on for a while. There was never any shortage of hours and hours and hours of real life talk (and talk and talk and talk).

Doesnt, in the end, seem to have made any difference.

You think you understand each other, and a week or a month later you suddenly hear this story back thats just so ... far out, you realise you're back at square one. I've always dutifully returned to base and worked straight up from square one again; I dont think calling now would make much difference anymore. She's reverted to a perception that leaves no inch of common ground to even start talking from ... I mean, if thats what she wants to believe ...

Yeah, I guess thats what she has to do. Dag called her ex "the Monster" for a long while here too; I doubt he really is an evil person. Guess thats what they do to force through a final break, when they lose hope. Sucks tho.

Prince, you - underpaid?? LOL - no way, man, how can that be!

There's a Gay Pride Parade & Festival here this Saturday - you gotta day free? <grins>

Guess you have to cut loose, then, Nimh. Just believe that the anger, false accusations are in HER mind. If your conscience is clear, then you have nothing to reproach yourself with, and you can look yourself in the eye! It's all about you, now. It takes a long time to get there, though.

Yes.

But sometimes distancing one's self becomes necessary. As I've discovered. It works. & that's good.

I wouldnt say my conscience is clear ... I did a lot of things wrong.

(We fukked up.)

But her version is still way out beyond that (I didnt love her, whole relationship based on a lie, etc).

And yeah, because it's so much beyond the pale, there's just ... nothing I can do, really. Whereas ordinarily, I would bend over backwards to understand her take, to soulsearch what I might have done wrong, caused ...

I've ended up feeling so terrible like that.

This tho - there's no way even to start, like that, anymore. Which in a way is kind of liberating, even, yes.

I've had the odd mix of underneath, feeling really hurt and sad - and above that, on a day-to-day basis - feeling positively top of the world. Well, as you'll have read here.

Then again, they say men are good at disconnecting things like that. I dunno.

Anyway, didnt mean to hi-jack the thread.

You didn't hi-jack the thread, nimh.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly.

nimh, you should go to the parade on Sat it is bound to cheer you up. After all it is a "gay" parade !!

(and I expect a full report, including who you have chosen for me and his phone number)

I'm actually pretty good, Olga!

Gautam - heh - I'll go try it out. The problem is, you know - I know you got pretty high standards - so you know, if I'd actually meet someone who'd meet all of 'em, how do you know I might not want to keep him myself? <grins>

because you refused me, and nothing is better than me out there.

And at this point in time, f**k high standards, right now would settle for anything - beggers can't be choosers...

Did someone call?

No, it is yr lizard playing tricks on you again

Prince!
Maintain your dominion! :wink:
Begger, my foot! You simply spend every walking moment WORKING! THAT's the problem, you know!


I'm glad you're OK, nimh. You sounded pretty anguished to me.... But maybe I was reading your words in an anguished sort of way?

"Positively top of the world" didnt sound too anguished to me, Ms Olga ;-)

Despite this thing in the background still breaking my heart, I had a highly pleasant few days just now ... as I explained, in a certain way perhaps even because of how it played out. Its odd.

But then I've chronicled these pleasant days pretty closely already on this thread!

Gautam - its probably worse: I dont even remember refusing you!