Married 38 years-and husband been having an affair

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I have been with my husband since we were 15 yrs old. During this time our marriage was always a roller coaster. It was a money issue or moving constantly. He had a female childhood friend that died and he was very depressed. I found out eight years ago, he was having an affair with a co-worker than it was revealed the childhood friend was really a constant lover in his life. Now I find out he's supposely been having only an emotionally affair with the neighbor. I had always been suspicious of their relationship because of their body language with one another. I put a tape in my home and found out they have been having an affair for over a year. That was the last straw, I have moved out but I can't find peace. He calls me constantly and has been an open book of information and confession. He's being very loving towards me and this is what I wanted for so long from him, because the first affair he didn't try to fix our relationship , but now he's willing to do whatever it takes to fix our relationship. I can't sort through my feelings since we talk to each other almost everyday and I've seen him almost once every week, since I've moved. Can you cheaters really change? Can someone help me, please? Am I being foolish? I am so confused and heart broken.

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[+3] - jespah - 09/07/2015Go to counseling - preferably as a couple but at least alone. You need an impartial third party in on this who can hopefully observe him and be there to support you. Counseling is not necessarily...

@Scared17,

So what do you want? Both paths are challenging here: starting over on your own or going back and making things work with someone who has hurt you repeatedly. Can he change? Yes it is possible, especially since you have made clear by moving out that you are serious. Can you do it on your own? Almost certainly, you are doing it now. He has had his selfish time, it is your turn. So what do you want?

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@engineer,

That's the problem for me. I moved with the intent to be done with him but he's a different person and I don't know if it's for the moment or forever. He says, he'll never cheat on me again but it's hard at this point to believe him, it's only been a month and trust takes time to build. I don't know though if it's worth trying anymore, I will always love him but I can't stand being hurt either.

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@Scared17,

Go to counseling - preferably as a couple but at least alone. You need an impartial third party in on this who can hopefully observe him and be there to support you. Counseling is not necessarily the first step to divorce or the last step before it, but you could sure use it as you've just had an earthquake hit your marriage.

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38 years and all that? Most women would have left already.

It sounds like his need to cheat is ingrained in his character.

Decide if you can put up with this AGAIN, because he does like the CHASE, and then after you are home, he will be out on the chase again.

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@Scared17,

You're not foolish so much as another victim of the monogamy paradigm of western culture. Monogamy is only practised by about 5% of the planet's mammals and thus not in any way natural or normal. It's an artificial construct of Christianity designed to subjugate women to men and making them a man's property by compelling them to only ever have sex with their husbands. But hsubands traditionally could have extramarital sex or even additional wives. But even in ancient Rome while men and husbands could have sex with anyone they wanted, if the wife did she could be murdered lawfully by her husband for adultery. Unfortunately, this paradigm has continued to present day. Men can cheat and embrace their sexuality, women cannot.

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@Scared17,

Scared17 wrote:

I have moved out but I can't find peace.

He calls me constantly

I think it's a good idea that you've taken a time out. Talk to him about leaving you alone for awhile. Schedule a time when it's ok for him to call - no calling whenever he's in the mood.

Both of you need some time to think about all of this.

Arrange for personal counselling. Recommend it to him as well.

Perhaps there will be a time for couples counselling in the future.

38 years of doing what he wants isn't going to be something that's easy for him to relearn.

38 years of letting him get away with bullshit isn't going to be an easy habit for you to overcome.

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@ehBeth,

I'll add something you likely already know - that you are plenty young enough to move along in your life and have new associations, including someone new who cares. That may not be appealing right now, but time can help heal.

Meantime, my view is the same as Punkey's.
I agree with all who say get yourself some counselling. Me, I'd do that without him, at least at first.

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@PUNKEY,

Thank you for the input, that's exactly what I am affair will happen. He seems sincere but I just don't know, it's hurts to know 38 yrs were wasted. I am going to counseling and it does help to have someone to let out your inter most feelings.

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@Scared17,

this really struck me when I read it earlier

Scared17 wrote:

he's a different person

you know he's not a different person. he's the same person.

he may be behaving differently right now, but he's still the same guy.

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@Scared17,

I wouldn't dismiss the years as a waste exactly. You are still you, a grown up woman capable of real love and caring. You weren't the one with all the affairs. You can recover from this.

I'd move on, but that is your decision.

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@Scared17,

From, 15, 38 years you two are best friends in your own way, you have to be having spent that many years together.

The "affairs" don't cook for him, clean for him, help pay the bills. He in my opinion would find it difficult to manage life now on his own. And, he doesn't want to lose his best friend. Don't you think he should have thought about that, "all" the way through this marriage? It seems to me that he wants a one on one but, enjoys the attention, flings, affairs it's not like he's only done it once.

One month isn't enough for him to realise your sincerity he needs to dry out and see what life is without you.

He needs to go to counselling himself, to ascertain what it is that makes him "need attention" from others.

Those would be my suggestions and in addition, go spoil yourself, do your hair, make-up buy a dress. Look at yourself in the mirror and see the beauty and confidence because you are still young and what ever road you end up taking, you have an identity that he can't take away.

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@FOUND SOUL,

I wouldn't have my hair done for him.
Waste of good money.

If you are into having your hair done, then do it for yourself.

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Married 38 years-and husband been having an affair

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