I know I am an awful person, but...

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I am so unhappy and depressed and I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life. The question I'm going to ask at the end of this post is - how do I deal with wanting to take revenge? I have done some awful things so please don't reply if you are going to be judgemental, only with constructive advice.

To cut an extremely long story short, I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 4 years. It hasn't always been physical, or when it has been it has been to varying degrees. For the last 12 months it has been fully sexual. He is older than me by 9 years. He has been married for 5.5 years.

The relationship started (at work, of course) when I became a sounding board for his marital difficulties. He and his wife were virgins when they married. He has erectile function problems (I can personally verify this) and they have not had a functioning sex life for the duration of their marriage - regular attempts but few successes. They (he says) would fight a lot over household stuff. They have no children. I got sucked into feeling sorry for him which turned into emotions and I'm ashamed to say I just fell in love. I regret it and I wish I had never met him now but this is where I am.

Bullet points history of the affair - he got caught (badly) in March 14. Caught (even worse) in September 14. Managed to convince his wife both times (the second time with my assistance) that the relationship had never been physical.
He told me in September that he was going to leave her, but changed his mind in October and moved back in after a month of separation.
He told me at Christmas that he had made a huge mistake, that he was going to leave, and asked me to wait.
Like a fool, I did wait. Through January, February, March and April.
I had been staying away from him physically until he made a decision or acted on his decision, but then she went away for a month and he begged to see me. I reluctantly agreed and spent four days with him in a hotel. We had sex, a lot (I have helped him go to a doctor and get prescribed stuff for the erectile issues). He knew I would never have done this if he had any doubts about what he was going to do. He swore that he was sure.

I foolishly believed him and believed he was doing the right thing by everyone - ie leaving a marriage he wasn't committed to, and leaving a woman he didn't love.

One day after our time in the hotel together, he stopped talking to me.
Four days later, after I begged him to stop ignoring me and tell me the truth, he admitted he couldn't leave her.

I was furious and threatened to tell her, but have since backed down. I sent him a long email telling him in minute detail what an asshole he is, but in a calm way (if that makes sense) - not throwing abuse, but simply spelling out clearly how badly he had treated both me and her. I am not exaggerating when I say I feel like he raped me that weekend.

Here comes the really bad part ... Given the past history of him changing his mind and playing both sides, I had doubts when he came to me at Christmas and swore again he was going to leave his wife, and that they just weren't right for each other etc. I had been badly badly hurt by him before so I felt I had to protect myself. So I hooked up his iMessages to come to my computer as well as his phone - so I could see what he was saying. For some reason I can't see her texts to him (don't actually want to either) but I can see his texts to her. It was all pretty cold stuff and I could see they weren't getting on but since our "break up" for want of a better word I have been watching him send her texts saying "I love you so much baby" "We'll get fixed, I promise." It is making me absolutely furious.

I know this is an awful thing to have done but I have done it. I was a fool and fell in love with someone who is actually a despicable person when you strip it all away, someone who really badly used me and who has also treated his wife appallingly. I know I'm no angel and I hate myself for getting into this situation but here I am.

I am struggling to deal with an overpowering desire to get my revenge. Why should he get to rebuild his life when he has utterly destroyed mine? Should his wife know about him? I find myself thinking mad things like sending her an anonymous letter tipping her off or sending her all the texts that have ever passed between us (still have them all which I saved for insurance purposes).

I know I am very much in the wrong here but surely he is even more wrong. I feel like I was lied to, used, manipulated, abused, almost raped when he said anything he could think of to get me into bed that weekend. I feel very foolish. But I want him to be as unhappy as I am. I know this is not healthy.

I just don't know what to do.

Any advice is welcome if it is constructive and non judgemental.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 1,525 • Replies: 19

@VeryUnhappy,

Sorry for your miserable situation. You deserve better but step away from natural desire to get even. He's a two-timer and full of double-talk. What he did repeatedly is despicable. Keep yourself from further prolonged misery.

Get him out of your life ASAP in all possible ways. Nothing but bad will result from attempting revenge. You really won't have him..and who knows how much worse you'll feel if you try the revenge route.

I feel that the best you can expect is to get him out of your mind and your life. This will take time and will mean mustering a lot of self control..and discipline to de-program yourself.

If it were me, I'd get counseling because the skills you need might not come without professional help.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thanks very much for your reply.

I did get counselling, the first time he changed his mind. Did a hell of a lot of crying in front of a stranger. I was just finding my feet again when he landed himself back in my life with all these promises.

I don't have any illusions that if I did find some way of making him miserable as well (i.e. telling his wife something, whether anonymously or not), that we would suddenly be together. I think she is actually likely to forgive anything he does rather than be alone. But the injustice of him getting to rebuild and have an easy life while I am left like this is just sticking in my throat. Why should he get to do that? He is screwing over two women and having his cake and eating it.

For what it's worth we have had no contact since I sent that email. He said he read it a few times, that it was difficult to read, I didn't reply to those texts and there has been nothing since then.

I hate him every five minutes and then love him the next. It's so horribly confusing.

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Delete his contact info and tell him to go scratch if he contacts you again.

Seriously. That's the best revenge - to extricate yourself from this bad situation, hold your head high, and never go back. Telling his wife will only hurt her and she's not the person you're mad at, not really.

He is a louse and that's an insult to lice everywhere. Put him in your rear view and burn or throw away or give to charity (if appropriate) anything he ever gave you. He doesn't deserve another minute of your thoughts.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Really appreciate your reply. It's weirdly helping just seeing people say what a jerk he is. I can't talk to my friends about this in real life, because so many of our friends are mutual. And they would be horrified. So this is helping.

I've been thinking of what to do if he does contact me again. He doesn't like being disliked so I would imagine he may try to smooth matters over sometime, whether it's weeks or months. And we still work together, though we don't see each other - kind of the same company but totally different areas now.

Today I got the idea in my head that if I got any further contact from him at all I would email his wife immediately and ask her to tell him to stop contacting me. I know that's not the best thing to do necessarily. But having these little plans in my head - even if I never go through with them - is almost making it easier to get through the day to day pain of being rejected and lied to. And it's helping me not contact him as well.

Ideally I guess by the time he does contact me again in some way, I'll be in a better headspace for dealing with it than I am now. Sad

1 Reply

@VeryUnhappy,

If you block him, then he can't contact you again, and this will be decided for you.

Seriously, allowing him to contact you again, and playing this little game with yourself is just prolonging things.

1 Reply

@VeryUnhappy,

I know exactly where you are coming from I have been in a similar situation and in my honest opinion I think his wife has a right to know who he really is regardless of if u where wrong or not he treated you both badly and is still treating his wife badly , look at it this way if you where. His wife would u want to know what sort of man you where married to I know I defo would don't get angry with the wife and be prepared if u do tell her for her to b angry as she has a right to but I defo think she should know she is married to a slim ball good luck x😊

1 Reply

@jespah,

I strongly agree with Ragman and Jespah.

Don't prolong things. Do block him immediately. Do not have anything at all to do with the wife, much less anonymous stuff. Move on, and move on fast. Get to like yourself again, this can happen. Take long walks or possibly a vacation. Don't dwell on this stuff, instead look forward. Reaquaint yourself with you and people in general, and things that interest you.

Once when I had a broken heart I started taking drawing classes. That turned out to be one of the smartest things I ever did. Not that you should start drawing, specifically, but there may be something similar for you to get involved with, new interests. Get out there and look.

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@Jamjam1982,

I strongly disagree with that. That is their business. Often the wife already smells a fish.

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Set your ego down and you will be able to move on.

You didn't get your way. It did not end up the way YOU wanted it to. You got lied to and accepted leftovers. You refused to accept that he really wasn't ever going to leave her.

You aren't "awful," you are just hanging on. Quit holding your own breath.

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@VeryUnhappy,

Quote:

Why should he get to rebuild his life when he has utterly destroyed mine?

No, he did not utterly destroy your life. Whatever "destruction" has occurred in you life happened because of decisions you made. Trying to pass everything you are feeling off on him is not going to help you at all. You chose to sleep with a married man. You chose to go back to him repeatedly even though he was still with his wife. You chose to meet him at a hotel even though he was still with his wife. So don't blame him for destroying your life. This is all on you.

Quote:

I am not exaggerating when I say I feel like he raped me that weekend.

Yes, you are exaggerating. You do every woman who was ever raped an injustice by equating your willing participation in sexual activity with him as rape. You were not even close to being raped. So stop throwing around that piece of crap in order to elicit sympathy. That does not fly here. At least with me.

Quote:

I know I am very much in the wrong here but surely he is even more wrong. I feel like I was lied to, used, manipulated, abused, almost raped when he said anything he could think of to get me into bed that weekend.

You were both in the wrong. He no more than you. And yes, you were lied to, used and manipulated for him to get what he wanted, free pussy on the side. You were not abused nor almost raped, so again, stop with that nonsense.

Quote:

I just don't know what to do.

Yes you do. You cut off contact and walk away, never taking phone calls or text messages or anything else from him again. You learn a lesson and you move on. Get some counseling if you need to and if necessary, just keep reminding yourself that you are so much better off without a lying cheating scumbag like him. Taking revenge may give you short term satisfaction, but what really does it accomplish? Nothing. It does not help you at all. And at the end of the day, you still need to move on and all your hurt feelings will still be there. Don't let this eat you up inside. Just drop it and him, and never look back.

Good luck to you.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Totally agree wit CoastalRat.
Though he gave me a lot of **** for my affair.
I however never claimed to be innocent and not knowing that screwing is screwing. I just have no strength to stop it.
Stop being angry at him. You had your share of pleasure as well.
He obviously done a good job ******* you so you can't get over him.
He had obviously thought of leaving but apparently financially he decided
you aren't worth him losing his money. I am in a same boat so I have rights to
tell you that but I am accepting what he gives me and happy that he does,
No way in the life of me will I ever blame him thought he seduced me,
But I could had said NO. So could you.

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@VeryUnhappy,

The revenge will be that he will never have a happy relationship with her.

This is what he has/had.

1. A wife all of a few months really, 1.5 years and he was unable to have a sexual relationship with her of fulfilment. However, she still stood by him, leaving him for a month, making him want her because she didn't stand by him.
2. A woman who stood by him, believed in him, (through his bullshit) and helped him sexually grow. So he kept her there for 4 years, lying.

He will remain in this rollercoaster marriage because she will not be that yes woman. And, he will NOT be happy, but probably in love for the constant trying to make things happen.

I do agree that it takes two. You can not put the blame on him, you both went into this with your eyes wide open, knowingly.

Do what Jespah stated, BLOCK him. That is the best revenge ever, he will wonder and ponder for years, if you just all of a sudden lost that feeling and moved on straight away, wasn't he worth it?

Meanwhile continue Counselling and get on with your life and find someone worthy of giving all that love you have inside of you to... Put this in your past.

You get the chance to be happy.

He obviously never was and never will be.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Hi all, thanks for replies (even the tough love ones!)
Think I was drowning in a bit of self pity when I wrote the original post but I do realise that I put myself in this situation as well. I don't blame him for everything but just have this uncontrollable rage about how it ended. I would have been sad but not as angry if he had just said, look I can't do this, we're going to have to forget about each other. But the behaviour at the end has left me extremely sore. A tough lesson learned, or perhaps in the process of being learned. I think he's an awful coward in more ways than one.

I do feel sorry for his wife. I feel sorry for her that she won't ever know the extent of his scumbaggery. I know (as indicated in the topic of post) that I am in the wrong here too. But I guess I'm not married.

Fronting up, I've sent him two pissed off texts in the last 2.5 weeks (since I sent the long email) - both when I had been drinking so I am trying to avoid that now, at least until my head is a bit striaghter. He didn't reply to either (I ended both by telling him not to reply.) I know he is seeing a counsellor too (at his wife's insistence - has been for ages) and I am sure that counsellor is telling him not to contact me just as you guys are telling me.

I am absolutely terrified of running into him at work and even more terrified of running into them both socially. We live in a small town. Does anyone have any advice for if that happens?

I am finding a lot of benefit in just talking this out here because I can't speak to any friends about it and tbh I can't afford that much therapy......

I really want to meet someone who I like without any of this baggage and complication. I just need to move myself on from this first.

1 Reply

CoastalRat nailed it.

What do you do? You make sure this is over and you move forwards. Dont get mixed up with married men if you dont like how this turned out, because what happened between you two is common.

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@VeryUnhappy,

Try to stay home and not go out much, read, watch silly shows, go to forums, cry, talk to people.
It took me a whole year to dull the pain. I mean we are still 'together' but it doesn't hurt anymore as it used to that we are still married to other people.
We are still in love but none of us ready to tell 'I am out'...

Running into him can only be avoided by staying home until pain will be gone.
Even then when you think it is gone - running into him it might return as a sharp object in your heart, what are you going to do?
Look for a man. Another man. Even online for sex chat. Doesn't matter.
Good Luck!

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Quote:

Look for a man. Another man. Even online for sex chat

Really?

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@FOUND SOUL,

They do say the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else....!!!!

PS He is now blocked on iMessage and Whatsapp, and I've deleted the other app we used to use. But I still find myself doing quite a lot of social media checking. Ugh.

1 Reply

@VeryUnhappy,

If you're doing a lot of social media checking, it means you're bored.

There's a new Avengers movie. You could take up a hobby. Run. Visit family or friends, or call them. Read a book. Clean your home.

E. g. stay off social media for a while, or at least put yourself on a pretty strict diet of it and find other things to fill your life.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Yes, REALLY!
What is your objection to this?

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I know I am an awful person, but...

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