I hold grudges. How do you not hold grudes?

I think you'll often find that, once the person explains, a lot of it was just a misunderstanding of one sort or another. Sometimes people will try to deny, or retroactively revise, their true intentions, of course, but that doesn't really make much difference. You can judge that for yourself, depending on what they say, and how they say it.

But whatever happens, you will be better off (grudge-holding wise) for confronting the issue rather than trying to avoid it. Or at least that's been my experience.

Forgiveness is a skill, truly. I read a saying recently, 'forgive the apologies that was never given'. The best thing to do is confront the problem in a calm analytical sort of way. You remain calm and don't feed off or encourage any aggression received. People get defensive when they feel attacked so approach the situation with a level head talk out the problem and when you worked your way through it and there is a shared understanding or resolution in sight, just move on.

Yes, no one ever really forgives and forgets but we don't need to forget because every situation positive or negative has the potential for a valuable life lesson to be learned.

Just remember this saying,

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha

Is holding a grudge the same as not forgetting and not forgiving? Is it not an active desire for revenge while the two are more passive?

Holding grudges is natural. Everyone had a time in their life where they've held on to grudges. I also do the same thing. For me, I guess holding on to grudges can some how make me feel better and make the person i'm holding the grudge toward hurt more than I do. We all know that is not the case. Holding on to grudges is a waste of energy and time. You have to realize that the only person that is hurting in this situation is yourself. When you want to hold on to a grudge just think about is it worth holding on to. Maybe you can talk it out with the person so that you both can come to some type of agreement. Sometimes we just need closure in order to release the grudges we are holding on to. I was holding on to a grudge against this guy I used to date for a long time. While I was holding on to the grudge he moved on with his life. I had to learn to let it go and that the grudge was actually hindering me from progressing in life. Since i've let it go I have met someone new and I feel so much better. I know this might not be your situation but its just an example. Holding on to grudges is bondage. You are stuck in that situation. You have to let the grudge go and release yourself so you can move on. This is for any grudges you may have against others. I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped.

I've kind of done it, I think!

Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess one major realisation was that a problem which was just a tiny tiny proportion of my life was taking up about 80% of my thought process. I am also meditating now which is helping me not get stuck in unproductive or unnecessary loops of thought.

Thank you to everyone who helped.

My advice is to move on . I had good reason to hold a grudge towards many people , they tried to control my love life. Now what could provoke a grudge than this ?

Move on . How I did this is to reason things out .

See in the end its about psychology . People don't think in terms of what psychology of the things that they do to you ; they just say and do things . Its a shame really . So like I said move on , otherwise your mind , your thoughts , your psychology will become war like . It will destroy your life if you let it.

I'm not suggesting its easy , its not , but your growth as a Human Being , grows . You Mature , emotionally. And THAT is Good .

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It's a fake Buddha quote, but that doesn't mean that it can't be helpful.

http://fakebuddhaquotes.com/holding-onto-anger-is-like-drinking-poison/

I don't care if the Buddha said it; it is not necessarily the most beneficial statement of principle because of its source. The problem with Theravadan Buddhism, at least the American form is its fundamentalist stance toward the "rules" as stated in the Pali suttas. As I sense it, Buddhism has evolved since, and from, the seminal efforts of Siddartha Gautama through centuries of discovery. Zen in its many manifestations is (to me) superior in its wisdom to the considerable wisdom of the Buddha. Pardon my blaspheny.

That's a subjective judgment and I wouldn't take up the argument. However, as Mahayana doctrine gradually came to fundamentally contradict what the original Pali suttas report, at what point does it cease to become Buddhism in anything other than name? "Nagarjunism" seems a better fit.

Its not about " this buddism mindset " this thread is about being a Human being in everyday life ; not some monk locked up in mountain retreat . Give me a break . I mean really what does a buddist monk know about everyday life? ZERO, nothing ....

Just move on people . Holding a grudge is not worth the price to your soul and/or heart. Its not , really .

And what do you know about what a Buddhist monk knows? Nothing.

If you read carefully, the fact that it didn't matter whether it was Buddhist or not was EXACTLY my point.

Hi PQ. Did anyone already solve your problem? I haven't read the whole thread. If so ignore this.

I'm really trying to work on this one right now. I can let go of grudges pretty easily with people who aren't close to me...but it's really hard with people who are close!

I find it really helps if you are able to talk it out with them in a non blaming, owning your feelings kind of way. Of course, this may not be appropriate with your grudgees.....but if possible it's helpful I think.

Have you been able to make sense of why the grudge is so strong? I am grieving right now because I am deciding to let a 26 year friendship go because I cannot stop being angry with the friend about a number of things and I'm too gutless to talk it through with her. My gutlessness is exacerbated by the fact that a lot that happened happened when my friend was extremely traumatised by a boss and through two bouts of cancer and a bi lateral mastectomy, which I, and a tight group of friends, really supported her through. Part of me feels I can't confront her about a bunch of stuff she did when she wasn't herself. Part of me is a goddam coward. Part of the emotional overwhelmingness, though, is because she triggers so much emotional baggage from my mum. I wonder if your grudgees are triggering something?

Something I do find helpful....although I am the world's slackest meditator....is imagining the person/s and surrounding them with your love and good wishes. It's really hard, but I do find it helpful....especially because I do genuinely care about and wish my grudgees the best.....because they have been close to me.


Or punch the **** out of them via a punching bag or some damn thing!

I really get you....I HATE grudges...they only drain and hurt us. My aim is forgiveness and recognising any part I have played....usually a lot in my case! But just not being damaged by them is good enough for me.

Oh! You already solved it! Wonderful!

I hold a grudge for as much as it can provided me some justification for stress relief...after that I abstract it to a mental warning sign to avoid the agent source of it and move on if it is beyond hope. I have not a vengeful personality because its idiotic but in compensation I am an expert on the stupid educational kind. I let go way faster when I get to conclude the agent is lost to learning why or where it failed.

The reason I don't hold grudges is because I tend to think of people as not responsible for their failure, but rather see them as unfortunate, lost on a loop of mistakes in judgement. I find great personal pleasure when I can pull them out of it, and very frustrated with myself when I don't. I think it has something to do with my genotype tendency to teach. I am a dinosaur on the verge of extinction as the web and cloud learning is quickly replacing the need for people like me. C'est la vie !

Agreed. However I don't think PQ was beating herself up as such....I think it was a realisation that she wants to change something. There's a difference.

Again agreed......but sometimes, once learned, it can be helpful to address the issue a bit later if you are too triggered and emotional in the moment.

The key to learn to control the emotional cascade is to try figure out the source causing the other agent act the way its acting. Its not always easy specially when the agent is more or less aware of what he is doing to an extent...its a tricky business to evaluate the ACTUAL cause. We all tend to use the idea of guilt because guilting someone facilitates a quick reaction. Often reacting quickly may be important...I suppose back when we were jumping in trees it was very important...I have quit on that for some years now. I have since learn even when people themselves think they are doing it on purpose and fully aware of their meanness intent, they are being prey of much deeper causes for their actions and have fall for the easy explanation as much as I was tempted to fall for it.

<hi, PQ, glad to see you>

I haven't looked back to see what I said at the beginning of the thread, hmm, I'd better.
For now I'll say that depending on the situation and who the two people are and their history, talking it through can be useful. Other times, talking with oneself about letting go is the ticket. Which one to apply is the quandary.

I like a lot of the advice on the thread, especially George's latin phrase.

Oops, George's post was in PQ's meditation thread.

I find it very easy not to hold grudges. It has to do with how I view our current situation in reality. I'll attempt to explain how I do this.

Premise 1: Everyone wants to either be content or happy and free from pain and misery.

Premise 2: Everyone attempts to seek contentment, happiness or avoid pain and misery through some external means.

Premise 3: In the attempt to find happiness people occasionally "step on your toes" to get what they want.

Conclusion: Had everyone been happy and content to begin with, they wouldn't be causing you any problems at all what so ever.

Explanation: Since we are not happy or content all the time, we seek to find ways to bring us some happiness or contentment but occasionally people get in our way but the drive to obtain happiness sometimes clouds our view that we are hurting others in the process. Or we turn a blind eye to it because we value our own happiness and contentment over others.

If we did not have this "curse" then people wouldn't be abusive, problematic or hurtful towards others. Because there would be no reason or motivation to cause other's harm. It is this contentment seeking that is the problem because we don't know the best methods of how to obtain happiness without causing problems for others.

Therefore I don't blame other people when they cause problems for me. I see that they were only trying to obtain happiness for themselves. If I were to become angry or upset, I not only move away from my own happiness but I might even create additional problems for myself and those whom I am angry.

I blame the lack of contentment, not the person.

There is no clear cut way of obtaining happiness without causing others harm.

Despite what some religious people will try to claim, there isn't a clear cut method of obtaining lasting contentment without causing others misery in the process.

I am not saying there isn't a method or way, there is a way. But it is not obvious.