24
   

I hold grudges. How do you not hold grudes?

 
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 07:34 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
Holding a grudge is just a way of trying make yourself important. [...]

That was quite a speech, but I notice you didn't answer The Pentacle Queen's question.

The Pentacle Queen wrote:
Anyone have any advice?

What is your advice?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 07:35 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:
I guess I hold grudges because I don't address things in the moment, I get upset afterwards instead. Actually I definitely definitely ******* do this! Lesson learned!


that's a very useful lesson to learn
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 08:11 pm
@layman,
layman wrote:

I don't see it quite that way. I don't see anything at all wrong (in fact I think it's a positive thing to do) to approach somebody and say something like:

"I didn't say anything at the time, but you know what? It really hurt my feelings when you said X last year on my birthday."

It's best to clear the air, I think. Even if that person says, in response, something like:

"Yeah? Well, let me say it again. I still think X."

My policy is to get the cards on the table and see where people really stand. Best if done at the time, but, better late than never if it's bothering you.


However, that's not PQ said.

Of course it would be appropriate to go up to someone at let them know that something had been bothering you.

PQ said she wanted to ask that person to go out for drinks (or some other equiv. that would involve the other person changing their schedule, make plans) to talk about it.

If you want to tell the person, make it at their convenience, not some event were there is a meeting so they are a captive audience to your drama.

It's potentially putting the person out.

This may be a silly example, but I've had the following happen to me twice. The first time I was taken unawares, the 2nd time I remembered the first time, and said something.

I both cases, I loaned someone (2 different people, this was years apart) a small amount of money, because they where temporarily short. They got handed cash.
In both cases, the other person, a few days later, wanted to write me a check. The first time I said "oh, um, all right" Then I was the one to have to schlep to the bank, when it was open, so during my lunch hour, to cash or deposit some small check, or after hours at an ATM.
The 2nd time when the person came up to me and tried to hand me a check I said "I loaned you cash, and I'd like it back in cash. I did you a favor loaning you cash when you were short, and now you're trying to make me go out of my way to get my money back. If you don't have the cash, I'll wait. I'm not worried."
The funny thing was, the other person said "But I'll have to go to the bank to get money." Well, yes you will.

In other words, if you want to do something that is meant to make yourself feel better, in this case unburdening yourself of a grudge, don't make the other person part of your play.
When the time is right approach them, and get it over with. Don't make them drive across town, or even cross the street to listen to your problems. And it is your problem if you've got a grudge, not theirs. The action may have been theirs, but the grudge is all yours.
Ionus
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 08:23 pm
If the basis of a grudge is revenge and not jealousy, then the best revenge is to ignore and be happy .
layman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 08:29 pm
@Ionus,
I kinda think a lot of it depends on the nature of the deed. I don't think I would ever "forgive" somebody for deliberately killing my child, for example. Nor would I ever "just forget it." After I had done all I could to get "revenge" (aka "justice") I think I could eventually "get on with my life" and not dwell on it.

But, if 25 years later, this guy was up for parole and they wanted me to come testify at the parole hearing, I would go. And, absent strong evidence to the contrary, my "testimony" would be that this son of a bitch has no business on the streets. Is that "revenge?" If it is, I'm all for it.
Ionus
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 09:00 pm
@layman,
I think there are large gaps between a grudge, the law and revenge . If someone killed my child I would kill them . That is revenge .
layman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 09:09 pm
@Ionus,
Quote:
I think there are large gaps between a grudge, the law and revenge . If someone killed my child I would kill them . That is revenge .


Naw, that is justice.

Quote:
“There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.” (Ambrose Bierce)


That would be the "praiseworthy" kind.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 03:10 am
@layman,
layman wrote:

I don't see it quite that way. I don't see anything at all wrong (in fact I think it's a positive thing to do) to approach somebody and say something like:

"I didn't say anything at the time, but you know what? It really hurt my feelings when you said X last year on my birthday."

It's best to clear the air, I think. Even if that person says, in response, something like:

"Yeah? Well, let me say it again. I still think X."

My policy is to get the cards on the table and see where people really stand. Best if done at the time, but, better late than never if it's bothering you.


Yeah. Good, I think the same I think this is what I need to do. I will obviously preface it with 'I should have told you sooner and gotten over it by now'. Thank you.
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 03:11 am
@Thomas,
That's true. It would be good to have a way to have none though.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 03:15 am
@chai2,
Quote:
Of course it would be appropriate to go up to someone at let them know that something had been bothering you.

PQ said she wanted to ask that person to go out for drinks (or some other equiv. that would involve the other person changing their schedule, make plans) to talk about it.

If you want to tell the person, make it at their convenience, not some event were there is a meeting so they are a captive audience to your drama.

It's potentially putting the person out.


Nitpicking IMO, I'm not that much of a dick. Obviously I'm not going to send someone a message saying "I HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU AND YOU MUST COME TO X BAR ON FRIDAY TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT IT'. It could be a phone conversation or a message or whatever. It was obviously going to be at their convenience.
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 03:15 am
@chai2,
Quote:
The action may have been theirs, but the grudge is all yours.


True.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 03:17 am
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

The Pentacle Queen wrote:
I guess I hold grudges because I don't address things in the moment, I get upset afterwards instead. Actually I definitely definitely ******* do this! Lesson learned!


that's a very useful lesson to learn


Yay.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 09:27 am
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Quote:
Of course it would be appropriate to go up to someone at let them know that something had been bothering you.

PQ said she wanted to ask that person to go out for drinks (or some other equiv. that would involve the other person changing their schedule, make plans) to talk about it.

If you want to tell the person, make it at their convenience, not some event were there is a meeting so they are a captive audience to your drama.

It's potentially putting the person out.


Nitpicking IMO, I'm not that much of a dick. Obviously I'm not going to send someone a message saying "I HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU AND YOU MUST COME TO X BAR ON FRIDAY TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT IT'. It could be a phone conversation or a message or whatever. It was obviously going to be at their convenience.


Where did I say you were going to send someone a message stating the above? Did I say you would say "YOU MUST COME TO X BAR...."?

I'm not nitpicking, I'm going by what you said. That you would want to meet someone somewhere i.e. at a bar, so you could talk about it, and laugh about it, so you could then forget about it.

The other person more than likely doesn't want to talk it out, have a laugh over it, or meet with you anywhere to hash over your problems.
A simple face to face, on the spot, no fuss, would suffice.

Please stop putting words in my mouth. The more you write, the more I see how you accumulate your grudges. You stir and stir what the other person did or said until you make it about some offense to you.

I'm totally Switzerland on how you feel about anything on this thread. I'm simply observing how you say you want help, but are only willing to take it from particular sources.

Sometimes the true solution comes from the source you least want it to. Not saying it's me, or any other person. You just don't like the way I'm saying it. However, I'm saying the same thing as others.

The bottom line (in a way you won't want to hear) is that you need to get over yourself, put what may have happened in the proper perspective as seen from the universe, and move on.

If you don't like how I'm saying it, tough.
0 Replies
 
George
 
  3  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 09:57 am
This works:
I just read the obituary of a guy I had held a grudge against for a long time.
0 Replies
 
argome321
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 09:57 am
@The Pentacle Queen,
Perhaps for one of the many reasons we hold grudges because we feel justice can't or hasn't been served...that that injustice done to us will never be rectified? Maybe we feel regret because of the time we felt that helplessness to avenge that injustice?
I mean many people feel we live in an unfair and unjust world.

Just a guess on my part
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 10:05 am
When I was young - I had the opposite trouble - I would forget/forgive too easily. So much so, I remember as a child when my brother did me wrong and I wanted to hold a grudge - I drew on my bed bottom wooden part - a face of my brother reminding me not to play with him again.

Years later my brother would continually point that drawing out - needless to say it didn't change my lack of not holding a grudge.
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 10:12 am
@Linkat,
sort of Amish-like. I admire their capability to forgive, but like (layman I think) if someone hurt anyone in my family, I would hunt them down and hurt them in kind.
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 10:16 am
@Linkat,
I know you came on here looking for help - it is kind of difficult though - to me it depends on what the offending person did, what really caused the grudge?

Is it something simple that most people would not get so worked up about -- ie someone called you self-important on here? To me maybe one way is to talk to someone that is not biased - tell them what is getting you upset. For example - my husband (maybe not to the point of getting a gudge) but gets all worked up when a driver is driving slow, stopping alot -- he gets hot under the collar. I point out maybe the person is lost. Kinda put myself in their shoes. Maybe someone not emotionally involved could give you the other person's viewpoint. Sometimes just talking it out to friend can help.

Or if it something not simple at all -- say someone feeds your dog poison -- that I can see holding a grudge for. For something more important, I think addressing with the offending person or addressing in some way is needed.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 10:18 am
@farmerman,
well there is a huge difference between my brother calling me a big butt and taking the last cookie that was supposed to be mine and someone punching my brother (besides me of course)--- which I did whack another boy with my umbrella when he bullied my brother.
0 Replies
 
JLNobody
 
  2  
Reply Mon 23 Mar, 2015 11:03 am
I can't hold grudges, life is too short. Maybe it is too narcissistic of me, but noone who is important to me has ever given me grounds for holding a grudge. At least not that I know.
0 Replies
 
 

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