I hold grudges. How do you not hold grudes?

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Most of the time, the other person doesn't even know you're holding a grudge against them. Now how stupid is that?

True dat. But how do we DO this?

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I have heard the saying that holding a grudge or hating someone is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies . I have never felt like holding a grudge .

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@Frank Apisa,

Frank Apisa wrote:

Yo, PQ...good to see ya.

You are in bad trouble here with Fresco giving you "advice" and Timur encouraging him.

Anyway...if you hold grudges...you simply hold grudges.

Your life might be much better if you didn't...but that is not a sure thing.

In any case, I doubt there is anyone who can tell you an effective way to stop. This tendency is probably something that has been with you for a lifetime...and as you speculate, may meet some need that you have.

There are worse thing to be...than someone who holds grudges!

ah man frank, so I'm stuck with it forever? screw you Wink

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@The Pentacle Queen,

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

It is also quite funny though that on the years of posting on all these threads I've never said a bad word against you but you have constantly trolled my threads to find ways to call me immature and self-important. Take your own advice

Did I ever say you've said a bad word against me? I don't know if you have or not.
Have I gone on multiple threads calling you immature and self important? I don't believe so.

Have I ever trolled you? No.

You asked a question, tossed it out there to all. I gave my answer. Considering the first thing I said was that this was not meant as an insult, but as my observation, your response indicates your selective reading, picking out the parts that make you the victim. In other words, making yourself self-important.

In your last post you ask "but how do I do that"? That means you haven't absorbed what anyone here has said.
You want to know how not to hold a grudge. Multiple people, including myself have given suggestions.

Did you only want suggestions that you like? Or the truth?

1 Reply

PQ wrote:

But how do we DO this?

Autosuggestion

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@Ionus,

Quote:

I have heard the saying that holding a grudge or hating someone is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies .

This is exactly what I thought of after reading the opening post.

Holding grudges is a colossal waste of mental energy. It only hurts yourself.

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@The Pentacle Queen,

....making a cup of tea....
Smile

You'd be surprised ! I'm pretty good at ironing too !

1 Reply

@The Pentacle Queen,

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Sometimes I think I might even enjoy holding them, as it gives my brain something to 'grab onto'.

what would you replace the grudges with?

seriously

you've identified a benefit (to you) in holding the grudges, so something will need to take their place

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@Ionus,

Quote:

I have heard the saying that holding a grudge or hating someone...

Just exactly what "hate" is, or even "holding a grudge," would probably generate multiple answers from different people.

I don't believe I hate anyone. Nor do I hold what I (personally) would call a "grudge,"

But, that said, I still have a memory. If I see someone who robbed me, grudge or no grudge, I will, if at all possible, get my money back, even if I have to beat the living **** out of him to get it. I don't "just forget."

And, for that matter, when going through his wallet to get "my" money, I might well take his too, just because he now "deserves" it.

Know what I'm sayin?

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

The Pentacle Queen wrote:

It is also quite funny though that on the years of posting on all these threads I've never said a bad word against you but you have constantly trolled my threads to find ways to call me immature and self-important. Take your own advice

Did I ever say you've said a bad word against me? I don't know if you have or not.
Have I gone on multiple threads calling you immature and self important? I don't believe so.

Have I ever trolled you? No.

You asked a question, tossed it out there to all. I gave my answer. Considering the first thing I said was that this was not meant as an insult, but as my observation, your response indicates your selective reading, picking out the parts that make you the victim. In other words, making yourself self-important.

You have definitely gone on my threads and called me self important before, I can find the links if you want. I definitely remember this because I hold grudges Wink

I don't really blame you though, most teenagers are self-important and I was coming on the internet a lot to try and be clever. I do think I am less self important now, apart from this grudge thing, clearly.

I could also argue that picking out the parts of my threads in which appear the most self important and having remembered these specifically is also selective reading but I can't be bothered to detract from the main point of the thread.

Quote:

In your last post you ask "but how do I do that"? That means you haven't absorbed what anyone here has said.
You want to know how not to hold a grudge. Multiple people, including myself have given suggestions.

Did you only want suggestions that you like? Or the truth?

Calm down. I'm open to all suggestions. I just haven't replied to everyone whose advice I felt useful yet:

I have found Neologist's post useful.
FoundSoul, I don't really think ignoring these people is an option, some of them are my friends.
EhBeth -- I don't know, probably something useful, or something else to keep me awake at night Wink

I was just wondering whether there was something specific people can try and do, like a type of mental exercise or something. Or whether it's best to just confront the person and say: look, this might seem silly to you, but I have had this grudge with you a few years, do you want to go and have a beer and talk about it so we can have a laugh and I can forget it.

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@fresco,

fresco wrote:

....making a cup of tea....
You'd be surprised ! I'm pretty good at ironing too !

Hahaha. No, sorry, for me you are amorphous text floating around in a radiant cloud of quotation marks Smile

1 Reply

@The Pentacle Queen,

Quote:

...look, this might seem silly to you, but I have had this grudge with you a few years, do you want to go and have a beer and talk about it so we can have a laugh and I can forget it.

You have provided your own answer, in my opinion. My serious advice would be disclose your feelings--at least to anyone you are in regular contact with. "Internalizing," and then hiding, your true feelings is seldom, if ever, the best way to handle "conflict" if you ask me.

BTW, I'm now holding a grudge against you because you didn't acknowledge that my prior advice was the best of the lot, even if impractical.

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@The Pentacle Queen,

I like "radiant" !

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The way to stop holding a grudge is to forgive. Easy to say, hard to do. You
hear the phrase "Let it go" a lot. That's too weak, too passive. The Latin
word for "to forgive" is dimittere, which also has the meaning of "to send
away". I have to actively choose to forgive, to dismiss what was done
against me.

The way I've dealt with it is call up from memory what I am holding a grudge
about. Then I make a decision. I will not wallow in this any more. Not an
easy thing. It's amazing how we delight in wallowing in the most negative
of emotions -- anger, self-pity, hate, scorn, envy. There's not much I can
do about the emotions. Bidden or unbidden they rise. But I can chose
to concentrate on something else.

It gets easier over time. At least it has for me.

1 Reply

@George,

Quote:

“He that would be superior to external influences must first become superior to his own passions.” (Samuel Johnson)

Quote:

The way to stop holding a grudge is to forgive...The Latin word for "to forgive" is dimittere, which also has the meaning of "to send away"

I like the latin meaning. You don't have to "forgive" in order to stop being pre-occupied with some perceived slight.

Quote:

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” (Marcus Aurelius)

1 Reply

@layman,

layman wrote:

. . . You don't have to "forgive" in order to stop being pre-occupied with
some perceived slight.

If it is only a perceived slight, yes. But sometimes it is more than that.

1 Reply

@George,

Quote:

If it is only a perceived slight, yes. But sometimes it is more than that.

Sure it is often more than "mere perception" that you have objections to. I really wasn't trying to suggest otherwise. In fact, that's why I said I liked the latin meaning better than what is commonly meant today by the word "forgive." But ultimately it's still a matter of "perception," according to Aurelius, anyway.

1 Reply

@layman,

In some cases, revoking one's estimate of the pain may be even harder
than forgiving who caused that pain. You may be able to pull back from
exaggerating it, but diminishing it? I dunno.

1 Reply

@George,

Quote:

I dunno.

Well, George, I suppose that capacity may vary from individual to individual. I have heard it said that it is "impossible to control emotions," but I don't buy it. That said, I suppose it could be "impossible" for some people.

Then again, if they think it's "impossible" then it almost certainly will be.

But for me it might be harder to "forgive" than to follow Aurelius's advice and simply limit the amount I let it affect me. You say it might be the other way around, and for some that may be true in their case. Like you, I dunno.

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@layman,

I'd say most people can control their reactions to emotions, but emotions
themselves seem to be in a part of us that's beyond the reach of reason and
will.

1 Reply

I hold grudges. How do you not hold grudes?

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