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I hold grudges. How do you not hold grudes?

 
 
George
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 02:48 pm
@layman,
I missed that last sentence.
I agree with you there.
George
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 02:50 pm
Here's irony. In another window I'm reading about the upcoming season 5 of
Game of Thrones, an orgy of vengeance if ever there was one.
0 Replies
 
layman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 02:51 pm
@George,
Quote:
I'd say most people can control their reactions to emotions, but emotions themselves seem to be in a part of us that's beyond the reach of reason and will.


OK, I pretty much agree with that. Aurelius was only talking about our "reactions" as I read him.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 02:54 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:
Or whether it's best to just confront the person and say: look, this might seem silly to you, but I have had this grudge with you a few years, do you want to go and have a beer and talk about it so we can have a laugh and I can forget it.



you're holding a grudge against someone and they're supposed to help you get over it?

in real life, I'd give that a big old **** off or maybe a 'get over it/grow up and **** off' - rolling eyes would definitely accompany my response

and this

Quote:
I don't really think ignoring these people is an option, some of them are my friends.


they may be your friends, but it doesn't sound like you are their friends

perhaps they're more like acquaintances than friends

_________

perhaps you could work on not letting further grudges develop - talk to people as situations are developing
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 03:37 pm
@ehBeth,
Yeah ehBeth, when I read that I internally did an eye roll.

You have a grudge with me, and I'm supposed to go off with you and "talk" about it (the other person would be doing all the talking) so you can laugh and forget about it?

As much as PQ doesn't like it, this really is another indication of self importance. The thinking the other person would comply, and not look at you with the "are you ******* kidding me?" look.

Why would the other person want to get sucked into the internal drama of your own making?

FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 03:55 pm
@chai2,
Quote:
FS, re the sentence I bolded, isn't that a form of grudge holding then?

If you're aware that it's bothering a person that you're ignoring them, it's like a delight to you that they are being bothered.


I can see how you think that, but that's not how I think.

I "could" hold a grudge against them, but I choose to ignore them, they are not significant, there is no positive outcome only negative. Ignoring them simply places them in the dismissive box for me of non importance within my life.

Am I aware that if they realise I am doing this, that they may get pissed off? Does that delight me?

I don't really feel anything, it's my choice and I refuse to accept them in my life for what they chose to do so they are invisible. What they feel is totally up to them.

What I feel is calm because I haven't allowed them to get to me and waste my energy.
layman
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 04:19 pm
@chai2,

Quote:
FS, re the sentence I bolded above, isn't that a form of grudge holding then? If you're aware that it's bothering a person that you're ignoring them, it's like a delight to you that they are being bothered.


Exactly! I've always said that it was just petty people, holding petty grudes, that were behind my jail terms. Sheesh, why can't they just let it go, I ask ya?
neologist
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 04:26 pm
@layman,
Dad blamed legal system Exclamation
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 04:27 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:
I don't really feel anything, it's my choice and I refuse to accept them in my life for what they chose to do so they are invisible. What they feel is totally up to them.


I wonder if this is a twin thing?
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 05:30 pm
@ehBeth,
Quote:
I don't really feel anything

Quote:
What they feel is totally up to them.

Quote:
I wonder if this is a twin thing?


Smile Lucky we aren't talking about being a witch/bitch Smile
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  4  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 05:53 pm
I too like the "Its dead to me" concept. Any residual anger or contempt is quickly forgotten and life is good.
Don't even care whether the offending party gives a rats ass or not. They are gone away.

0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:28 pm
@chai2,
Depends if it is truly of your own making (which I know you will read as another indication of self-importance). I'm not talking about things I've totally made up about people otherwise why would I bother on an internet forum full of strangers who don't know the context; why would it be a big deal. I am talking about things people have done in the past to hurt me and I can't forget. Instead of talking about these things when they happened, I pretended not to care so as to protect myself and appear 'cool with it', but then held it in my head. I'm not saying I'm not self-important, I think I probably can be, but that's exactly unique or really that despicable. Anyway, as the thread suggests I am hear to try and solve my holding-a-grudge problem and try and devise a plan of action for myself.

When you read the posts you make to me though, chai2, they do seem quite condescending.
The Pentacle Queen
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:30 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Depends if it is truly of your own making (which I know you will read as another indication of self-importance). I'm not talking about things I've totally made up about people otherwise why would I bother on an internet forum full of strangers who don't know the context; why would it be a big deal. I am talking about things people have done in the past to hurt me and I can't forget. Instead of talking about these things when they happened, I pretended not to care so as to protect myself and appear 'cool with it', but then held it in my head. I'm not saying I'm not self-important, I think I probably can be, but that's exactly unique or really that despicable.

When you read the posts you make to me though, chai2, they do seem quite condescending.


I mean I've pretty much answered my own question there haven't I. I guess I hold grudges because I don't address things in the moment, I get upset afterwards instead. Actually I definitely definitely ******* do this! Lesson learned!
layman
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:30 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
Quote:
When you read the posts you make to me though, chai2, they do seem quite condescending.


You're not alone in getting that impression, PQ.
The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:31 pm
@George,
Thank you George and Layman, that was useful.
0 Replies
 
The Pentacle Queen
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:35 pm
@layman,
layman wrote:

Quote:
When you read the posts you make to me though, chai2, they do seem quite condescending.


You're not alone in getting that impression, PQ.


Cheers, dude Smile

Yeah, I mean I've come on here and admitted I have an issue within my personality that I need to work on, and asked for help with that, so it does seem a bit unnecessary.
0 Replies
 
layman
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:53 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
Quote:
I'm not saying I'm not self-important, I think I probably can be, but that's exactly unique or really that despicable.


Despite claims to the contrary from some, you won't go wrong if you assume that the most important person in anybody's life is...you guessed it--themselves. You are not unique in that respect by any means.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 06:53 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:

Depends if it is truly of your own making


I said the drama is of your own making, not the incident that brought the drama about.

As others have said, it's your response to what happened that matters.

layman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 07:00 pm
@chai2,
I don't see it quite that way. I don't see anything at all wrong (in fact I think it's a positive thing to do) to approach somebody and say something like:

"I didn't say anything at the time, but you know what? It really hurt my feelings when you said X last year on my birthday."

It's best to clear the air, I think. Even if that person says, in response, something like:

"Yeah? Well, let me say it again. I still think X."

My policy is to get the cards on the table and see where people really stand. Best if done at the time, but, better late than never if it's bothering you.
Thomas
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Mar, 2015 07:31 pm
@The Pentacle Queen,
The Pentacle Queen wrote:
Anyone have any advice?

My advice is to just own your grudges. Holding a grudge and beating yourself up about it means you're hurting yourself twice. Hurting yourself just once isn't perfect, but it's the lesser evil.
 

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