Should I have another kid?

Are you trying to call me out, Soz? :wink:

Hi!

No, just made an impression on me. (If you have any new ideas/ further insight, lay it on me.)

Don't really. It's such a personal thing. Just know that there will never be a perfect time to have another one. There are way many things that you can't predict, but some that you can:

~ How will Sozlet react? She'll react but she will get over it. (I think EG's experience is the exception, not the rule.)
~Will there be sibling rivalry? Of course, you silly.
~Will the two siblings love each other? Without a doubt.

You just need to make up your mind, yea or nay.

So, I have these memories of our time in New York City, and they stay there plotzed as memories in part because they are/were so different from years before and after. We lived in an apartment on the sixth floor, and drove to the big city..

Anyway, in that year, when they were doing pretty well, apparently my parents opted to adopt and almost did. I remember hearing about a girl at St. Vincent's Foundling Home (as I recall it). And then we were about to move. I was eight. It is just a tweak in my mind, I have a line of attachment and hope she is ok.

I didn't think that far past that then, at all. And given what we went through as a family later, it was better for her and us that the adoption didn't go through. I think.

So I was talking to someone about this and came up with a better way to summarize what I'm going for than I've said here, I think:

I don't want another kid right now.

However, I (probably) could have another kid if I am convinced it's the right thing to do.

I don't want to be convinced it WAS the right thing to do when I had the chance, long after I have the chance.

So if there is any argument, anecdote, or perspective out there that might convince me, I want it now rather than later.

Cinn, you never came back with more -- interested in what you have to say.

Ha!

I posted that and then checked email. There were several forwarded emails from my husband declining to take on a new project. In the first he says, "athough I'd love to do this, if I start yet another project, I'll either drop dead or my wife will kill me. Maybe both." (Darn tootin'.) The guy he's writing to, married with two kids, replied with "I know the feeling." E.G. replied to that, "Thanks. I notice that you didn't also say 'It gets better.' It doesn't?!?!? " Guy replied, "You have one kid only, right? You just don't know..."

Try looking at it from the reverse, soz.

You're trying to make a life decision based on where you're standing right now. Looking forward. Instead, try imagining what it will feel like when you're 80. Will you look back on your life and wish you'd had more than one child? Or will you be happy you only had one? Considering the end view is always worth a thought, because that's where you're going to wind up.

Yeah, impossible to know. As far as I can tell, I'd be OK with it when I'm 80. I don't want to depend on my offspring for my care anyway, if I want to be around kids (as in grandkids, as in if sozlet doesn't end up having kids because that's her decision and I can't plan on it one way or the other) I can volunteer somewhere.

Right now as far as I can tell I'd be happy I had only one -- I've put my all into being a stay-at-home mom, but that's not all I am, and I'm feeling very ready for the next phase. I think that's a decision I'd approve of, looking back.

Good luck what ever you choose. i was going through the same thing and decided to add 3 to my one. So I will soon have 4 lil ones running around oldest being 7 and the other ranging from 0 to 5. Just from what I've read here it sems you are a very level headed person and will make a great mother to one, two, three, or more for that matter. I am one of four kids as well and yes you do have your tiffs but when it comes down to it we are there for each other and love each other very much. I think it was Bill Cosby that said you're not a parent till you have more than one cause then you have to figure out who did what lol. My step grandmother had 13 kids and i remember one of them saying when iasked what it was like growing up "you never feel alone". Not sure if that was a good thing or bad but I would like to think it was good. I for one with so much of may family passed on i get lonely and I'm thankfull that at least i have my sisters and brother to talk to. I couldn't imagine making it this far if I was a only child with all of them gone like they are. Anyhow as I said good luck and I wish the best for you.

Sozobe, I didn't forget about you. I was composing a rather long reply a few minutes ago, when suddenly this computer decided to freeze. F*ucking hell...it never does that. Someone doesn't want me to give my comments...

I'll try to reconstruct my comments when I have time. Or maybe I'll send them via pm, it might be easier for me to focus. Sorry.

PM would be fine, up to you. Definitely interested. (But no particular rush.)

Devious, yeah, that's seductive, the idea of a big happy supportive family...

Does anyone regret having a second child? That just sounds sad.

I didn't get to choose, Sozobe. My second was conceived while I was recovering from the first pregnancy (and taking birth control pills), so my two are just 13 1/2 months (MONTHS!) apart. It was pretty crazy while they were young, but it would have been crazy anyway. Because they were so close in age, it was much easier to gear our lives to their abilities... and we did a lot of things -- traveling, hiking, back-packing, road trips. We were active in pre-school stuff and continued through public school, sports, music, etc. They fought when they were younger, except when we were traveling , but they're 20 and 21 now and good friends who chat on the phone, plan stuff with the other and chose to travel together with friends to take Spanish classes in Costa Rica. The older one, for example, taught her brother how to drive her five-speed car, then took him to get his driver's license. It is a relief for me & their father that they get along and we hope that as they grow older they will maintain this relationship. I suppose it will depend in part on their spouses. The world can be cold and lonely. It is nice to have someone you can count on who has known you your entire life.

I have four siblings, my husband has two. All four parents are gone, so we are especially glad to have a lot of family near and far for support & companionship. I can't imagine not having any siblings, but apparently plenty of people don't like their relatives or don't have any. Somehow they manage fine.

I don't envy you your decision, especially since the Sozlet has already said she doesn't want a sibling. Maybe that's your answer right there.

In the end you decided, not based on any of the "reasons" you had listed. I suspected you knew all along, deep down. Did you think having an only child was not acceptable somehow? Society seems to judge only children harshly. I don't know where that comes from. Only children are on average more intelligent and self-sufficient and not necessarily any more spoiled that children with siblings.

Thank you thank you thank you, for that, Swimpy, re only children.

Another element here is that Soz, when she does get her work life going, contributes rather largely to society. Not that that adds much decision weight, because even with two, she'll go back to it. But energy isn't endless.

On the other hand, sometimes energy comes from energy - an imponderable, re which decision would end up triggering the most energy.

Hubby's an only, Osso. I'm one of eight. Siblings are great and all, and I couldn't imagine my life with out them, but I don't think only children have a bad life. I tease hubby that he was spoiled (and he was a bit) but he really just had the advantages of being the oldest without having any youngers to pass things on to, i.e. everything he got was new. No hand-me-downs. I was the youngest, so I got hand-me-down everything. (At least that's how I remember it )

I was an only, got some things for a few years, but we had many lean years. I had few toys, grew up to make all or most all of my own clothes. Spent a lot of time by myself. Spoiled wouldn't be my first description of me, then: isolated, somewhat socially retarded, lacking in arguing skills, confused about acceptance in larger world (that's mixed, I also had big ideas.)

I think I would describe myself the same way as a kid. I think it was not so attributable to whether or not you had siblings, but just the exposure to life we got. I lead a very sheltered life. Even though there were always lots of people around, I felt isolated, too. We also didn't have much money so there were no extracurricular activities, no vacations or stuff like that.

Swimpy, read your post a few times and agree with it, I'm pretty sure, but don't fully follow it -- is it addressed to me? I think I've said throughout that right now, I don't want another kid, but am trying to figure out the right thing to do. I've refined that thinking further and expressed it more clearly, but the basics have remained the same.

I'm an only child myself, and have already made some plans based on the strong possibility that sozlet will be an only. For example, I've stressed to my husband for a long time (like before we even got married) that I wanted to go somewhere before the kid hit preschool and stay there through high school. A strong connection to community and peers is especially important to only children, I think. I didn't feel any particular social privations, and had that (same neighborhood pre-K through HS.) It was really important to me.

Hubby followed through with that, (thanks) and once we got to this point I again was thinking in those terms by researching extensively to buy a house someplace we would STAY, rather than getting a starter house, investigating, and then moving later. (That's what most people recommended, since we were moving from another city.) I want the connections sozlet makes now to last her through adulthood if at all possible. (The other day, the mom of one of sozlet's preschool classmates who has lived in Columbus for 20 years said that she really really wants to live in my area, not the very trendy area she's in -- I'm very happy with this area so far.)

Anyway, I feel pretty much equipped to deal with raising an only and have made a few large-scale decisions based on that assumption. Just, want to examine that "decision" as rigorously as possible -- it's a decision, but everything is a decision until you get information that changes it. Want to know if anything out there might change it, and if so what.

Er, your first post on this page -- excruciatingly slow dial-up, I'm behind.

Interesting point about type of life vs. siblings. That's something I've seen a lot -- take any rationale and there aren't universals. Some people get along great with their siblings, some feel burdened by them. Some extremely social people have siblings, some are only children. Some people with psychological problems have siblings, some have only children.

Having siblings in and of itself doesn't seem to be nearly as important as upbringing in general and innate factors.

I don't have the time to read this thread, soz, but go ahead and have another kid.

It's fine with me.