My best advice is to do what feels right in yours and your husbands heart.
Don't let what other people say pressure you. What may be right for their family, may not be for yours.
I'm the oldest of three children, all from different fathers. There's a 10 and 5 year age difference between me and my siblings. I didn't feel close to either of them, because it seemed like they grew up after I left home, so I missed out on a lot.
Our children are two years apart, both girls. I have a different perspective on why we chose to have two children.
Our first child was a son, who died thirty hours after he was born. I was so looking foward to being a mom for the first time. I couldn't wait to get pregnant again, but when I did ended up having a miscarriage, probably because I did get pregnant too soon after the first pregnancy.
I got pregnant again, this time we had a healthy baby girl. I knew I wanted one more child for two reasons. I wanted the first child to have a sibling, and the other reason was my fear that something could happen to our first child, and then we would end up childless. I have a very high maternal instinct, and need to be a mother. I have always felt that I have a lot to offer to as a parent.
It's that time of year again.
I always thought that if I had two they would be 3 or 4 years apart.
4 years apart would mean I conceive next month.
How on earth do I decide?
Eva, I saw that you have an only child, hoping to get your input with this.
Re-reading ehBeth's post about 5 years apart, that is interesting.
Re-reading this whole thing is interesting, actually. Good stuff.
I have mentioned sozlet's best friend and his dad, have talked to him about this a lot. Sozlet is a lot like Jack, Jack's dad and I parent very similarly, helpful. Jack has had a HARD time with a brother. I look at them and think it is a bit of a luxury to have the time I have, the relationship we have, the ability to focus on sozlet. It seems like a good thing.
What I keep getting stuck on is the idea of myself in 5-10 years or so, looking back, and saying, "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE??"
Ultimately if you have another child you should plan on tripling your busy schedule. Not that children are a nuisance!! For every child you have it greatly affects your way of life.
I had 3 boys within 4 years!!!! I have my hands full and our checking account seems to be the opposite. However, I've read many posts about people not being able to have children and about those going thru the empty nest syndrome. And it leads me to believe that children do benefit from other siblings. And once those children are grown and create their own families it brings a great satisfaction to say you have 10 or more grandchildren.
Am I rambling?
Ok...so If your motherly instinct is begging you to have another one then you should. Having children is the ultimate SUCCESS! It is draining and you do sacrafice more as each one comes along, but in the end its all worth it!!
And dont worry about childcare!! It sounds like you have the finances for it. I have been a stayathome mom for 5 years now only because it doesnt pay me to work. My entire earnings would go to the childcare expenses. Furthermore, with 3 of them I would pay more per month in childcare than I would my mortgage!!! I love my little ones and they bring a joy to me that is unexplainable.....go for it!!! Have one more!!!
My Kids are 4 years part. As one is graduating Highschool the other is entering highschool.
Didn't plan it that way - it just turned out that way.
When we started out we thought about having as many kids as possible. Reality set in a little on #1 and full tilt on #2 (mostly the physical demands on the Mrs).
calgon, my thinking right now is that I DON'T want more... I'm just trying to figure out if my reluctance is something I should push though.
I just asked my daughter if she would like a baby brother or sister. She considered for a long time, and then said, "No. If we had a big big family to take care of a baby and take care of me. But we have a little little family." I thought that was pretty smart. (No extended family within several hundred miles, hubby works ~70 hrs a week.)
Quote:What I keep getting stuck on is the idea of myself in 5-10 years or so, looking back, and saying, "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE??"
Isn't that better than looking back and thinking, "Why did I do it?" No matter what choice you make, you will never know what it would have been like if you had chosen the other. If you aren't sure about a second child, wait until you are. If that never happens, it will not be the end of the world.
Kids are great, don't get me wrong, but there are plenty of them in the world already. The sozlet is one in a million anyway
Ya know Soz, no matter which way ya go here I'm pretty sure E.G. wouldn't mind practicing trying to help ya get preggers - just in case and all.
sounds like you're not ready. how old is sozlet? my sister is 5 years older than me, and sure we fought when we were little,but now we are closest friends, even though she's on the other hemisphere. when it does work out, it is priceless. but i also know that my parents were sure about having two kids, so it may not be for you - now or ever.
Hey, soz...just saw this thread.
My husband and I went through all sorts of infertility stuff, two miscarriages, and were eventually told we had less than a 5% chance of ever having a child. So we stopped trying. Three YEARS later, out of the blue, our son came along. I was just a few months short of 40 when he was born. It was a blissful pregnancy, and he is a GREAT kid. Smart, good looking, charming, a good heart, etc. Do I sound like a typical gushing mother? Well, I am! I'm lovin' every minute of it, because I didn't think I'd ever get the chance.
BTW, don't make plans based on your age. The risks of pregnancy do not make a sudden jump at 35. The risks slowly increase from the age of 30 on. If you are healthy now, you will likely be healthy at 40 or 45. There is no rush. And there will be a whole white-haired section of us at the highschool graduation. Believe me. We know LOTS of people who had kids late, and they're all perfectly healthy kids.
The thing is, we didn't plan to have an only child. It just happened that way. The fact that we had ONE was a miracle.
A few months ago, some friends of ours had a second baby. Their first child was one of our son's friends (age 8). My son asked me if I was thinking about having another baby. I laughed! "I am almost 50!" I told him. "I'm too old!" He was confused. Then I realized he doesn't know much about this, so I told him that women can't have babies all their lives. Only 'til they're about my age. You know what he said?
"WHEW!!! GOOD!!!"
I nearly cracked up! "Were you worried about this?" I asked him.
"Well, YEAH!" he replied. "I LIKE being an only child! I get all the attention!"
So he is perfectly happy being an only, soz. And one is perfect for us. We don't have enough energy at our age to keep up with more than one. We can give him advantages that we could not afford if we had more. And he has lots of friends.
My own background? I had two younger siblings, and I'm not at all sure that taught me how to get along with people. More likely, it taught me how to fight.
I think your ambivalence is perfectly natural, btw. Now that you have one, you know more about what is involved in raising a child. I doubt you will ever have the same feelings you had the first time around. It will be a more balanced decision this time. I don't have to tell you there are advantages either way. The point is, what do you WANT? As soon as you figure that out, your decision will be made. Just remember, there is no hurry.
I agree with Eva, that is only a statistical whoomp. My cousin and I, still long time pals, were borne of mothers of 40 and 41. I think that is early, actually, re the end of human routine.
Thanks!! That does help, a lot.
No hurry, yes. (Relieved sigh.)
SO many people, parents, keep telling me, "Aw, just GO for it! There is never a perfect time. You'll always be ambivalent. If you're waiting for some thunderbolt, it ain't gonna happen and you will have missed your chance. Just take the plunge!!" So I know that I'm ambivalent, I know that I don't feel ready, I just don't know if those things are the barriers I think they are.
This has helped me feel better about it.
Btw I'm an only child too, enjoyed it.
Yep, that's how it goes, soz....
(hey, that rhymed!)
When you're single, it's "How soon are you going to get married?" When you get married, it's "How soon are you going to have a child?" And when you have one child, it's "How soon are you going to have another?" It never stops. The only thing you can do is...stop listening.
Soz: the 'how can you deprive... yadda.. little brother..' is absolute nonsense and stupid pressure. I was an only child for thirteen years, until my mother re-married, and glad of it. Sozlet doesn't need another sibling. All she needs is your love and guidance. She can find her own friends. It's all down to you; don't let anyone else pressurise you into having another child when you and the sozlet are happy as you are.
That time of year AGAIN (third year running), re-read this, helps a lot, thanks. Am in virtually exactly the same place as I was the previous two years, except that sozlet is better able to articulate that/ why she doesn't want a sibling. She says that she wants her OWN baby when she grows up -- but she doesn't want me to have another one. :-)
That itself isn't really here nor there, wouldn't be a deciding factor for me. (There are a lot of things about her welfare that are up to me to decide.)
Saying anything now rather than just re-reading, nodding, and being done with it to open this up to people who didn't see it the first time for whatever reason, I'm still interested in more perspectives/ opinions.
Hey soz. I wasn't around when this thread was active so forgive me if I just repeat what others say. We decided on two because we felt that, god forbid, were something to happen to us we didn't want our son to be alone in the world. We also put them relatively close together (almost 2 years exactly) because it made sense from an overhead point of view. Car seats, baby clothes, highchairs, etc... got maximum use. Also, I didn't completely stay home until our daughter was born, but then I stayed home for two years. This was really good for both of them and for me -- not so for my career but who cares as long as I am still employable. Also, since duckie was about 2 when ducklet came to us he doesn't have much memory of what life was like without her. They are fast friends now and love, love, love each other.
One of the most rewarding things for me was fostering the relationship they have with one another. Showing duckie how to be a good brother and showing her how to be a good sister. I have no doubt that they will remain close throughout life and I'm very happy about that. My son has said that he wants us to have more kids, but I just remind him about how much he would have to share if we did. I am completely finished having children.
All that said, we waffled a bit when planning the second for a few reasons. 1) We wanted to be sure that we had enough resources to give them both a good upbringing. 2) We liked the freedom that we were just starting to feel with our son becoming more independent. And I personally had to talk myself into doing pregnancy and the first year again.
That's just my perspective. I can see rationalizations why people would have 0, 1, 2, or 8 children. It all comes down to what you want. Which you obviously totally already know.
