Should I have another kid?

Should I have Another Kid
Hi Sozobe

I waited almost 7 years after my daughter was born to have another baby.

My daughter was also independent, and being the only child received lots of attention.

When my son was born, my daughter was a bit jealous at first, natural for an only child, but wasn't long before she became protective and very loving toward her bro.

I was a stay at home mom, giving lots of attention to both the kids ~ and didn't go back to work till my son attended school all day.

Ya know, having another baby is such a personal decision. My only suggestion is when the time is right for another pregnancy ~ you'll know.

Stradee is right. There's likely to be some jealous feelings at first, but the older child will adjust to the new one. The most important thing is to do what you really want to do, what you feel in your heart. As I'm sure you know, having a child is no easy task, and I'm not just talking about labor pains!

Gee, Soz, one was definately enough for me, but doubt my experience is relavant to yours.

I can't help thinking that if you have to ask, then the answer is no.

Soz- I agree with Eve. I think that you KNOW the answer yourself:



It appears that having another child would bring up a lot of conflicts for you. My motto is, "When in doubt, don't". A child is not something that you can change your mind about, after the fact.

Soz

Yes, Eve and Phoenix are right: if you really have to asked for it, have doubts, the answer must be NO.

And Phoenix is so right with "A child is not something that you can change your mind about, after the fact."!

Soz, which do you feel is more important ... your current lifestyle, or another kid? You can pretty well have either one or the other, but not both. I'm with those that tend to think if you aren't sure a another kid is what you want, you aren't ready to have one. Then again, kids in general turn out to be more resource-intensive than ever we plan for. I suppose that's part of their charm.



timber

Hi everyone!

Btw, I put this in the wrong category -- was reading "Mothers and Adult Daughters", then started a new topic in the same category rather than in "Parenting and Childcare".

Anyway, yeah, I'm definitely tending towards "no" right now. And it's nice to get some honest feedback on that -- everyone in my circle of friends reacts with horror. "But what about your daughter? How can you deprive her of a brother or sister? It's tough at first, sure, but then they play with each other and make things easier over all." Etc. I've actually been quite shocked at the vehemence with which people argue for me having another, and how readily they ask WHEN I'm having another and then launch into the arguments when I say I'm not sure I will at all...

Stradee, that's really interesting about the 7 years thing. All things being equal, I think that's what I'd do. But 37 is getting pretty old for a safe pregnancy (not impossible at all, but much higher risk of complications), and for sure I don't want to be out of the workforce that long.

Basically, aside from the friends-reacting-with-horror thing, the other reason I want to think about it somewhat objectively is that the hubby and I are TERRIBLE about analyzing things to death before we can take action, and it took some doing for us to say, "OK, the situation isn't perfect, but we're gonna go ahead and try to have a kid anyway." (We wanted to have more money, we moved from L.A. to Chicago when I was 7 months pregnant, etc.) And I'm awfully glad we did that, so I'm trying to get some perspective on whether we're over-analyzing. This does have a built-in time limit. I'd always thought that if I'd have a second, the spacing would be 3 years apart, so that means I'd conceive, oh, next month. But more generally, I don't want to get into the significantly increased risks after 35. (I'm 32.)

Oh and roger, can you expand? May be relevant, may not, but I'm curious.

I'm a happy only child. When i was about 7 - 10 i was interested in having a brother or sister. Then I started to notice the awful fights my friends were having with their brothers and sisters. Awful fights. Physical and emotional horrors sometimes.

As i got a bit older, i began to hear my parent's friends talk about battles with their siblings about inheritances. I started to feel sorry for people with siblings.

There's no guarantee the Sozlet would ever be pleased to have a brother or sister. Well, actually no guarantees about much in life. However, I can speak on behalf of a few 'only's' I know. It's not bad at all. For those who make the 'shared history' argument, I point out the friends I've had for over 40 years. We know each other's families, histories, lives. Some of them see me/talk to me more often then they talk to their sibs, even though I live hours away and their sibs are in the same city.

It's a decision you've got to make for yourself. If you're convinced your life, your s.o's life, and the Sozlet's life would be incomplete without another child, then having another child seems like a good plan. And then the question becomes (to my eye), is a biologically-related child the option. Is parenting important, or, hmmmmm how to phrase it nicely, well you know, having your own?

True, true, we could always adopt at some point. Or, ya know, get a dog. (We're currently petless.)

And I'm an only too, so am in complete agreement with all that you say. Still in touch with people I knew since I was 4. I do worry about that aspect, though -- I grew up on a block full of kids, and was set loose all summer to hang out with them. I'm not so old as all that, but I just don't see many communities like that any more. Will my daughter have the same opportunities? (I'll do all I can to create them...)

By the way, standard disclaimer, of course will make the decision for myself. But nice to have this kind of discussion about it.

Soz - i currently live in a neighbourhood where people have been living for decades, and sons and daughters (mostly sons, though) are coming back here to live with their families to raise their kids. The key seems to be that they chose not to move far far away. Those kids are mostly going to be onlies, but they're going to have amazing connections. It doesn't seem to be that connected in the suburbs. My friends who are out in the 'burbs don't really seem to know their neighbours the way i know mine.

Being an only child myself I must say that without that I wouldnt not be as independant. However, there have been those moments when I really needed to have a sibling around. This was replaced by friends, by close aged other relatives though. Seeing how my parents families do not even talk to each other and have caused each other much grief at times actually, Im basically happy with being an only child. I have my moments but, they're moments still. I have had a few friends in the same situation soz and I gotta tell ya, my opinion to them actually is reverse of whats been said here. If you are thinking of having another child, have one. I dont think of it as a warning sign that you are asking yourself if you should but, more that you are thinking more responsibly now that you have one under your belt. It all depends on the situation though, and is a terribly important not to mention personal decision.
I think its great though that you are thinking of your present child as a possible only child and what that could entail for her.

Interestingly enough, my hubby is applying this year to the University of Minnesota, which means we may well end up living in my old stomping grounds (Minneapolis, near the U of M campus.) The neighborhood has really changed, though. I still have lots of friends who live there (Mpls), and will see what I can find out about currently good neighborhoods. At least one of the kids I grew up with did that -- moved away for school and early part of career, moved back when he had kids -- and it would be pretty amazing if we ended up living in the same neighborhood, his kids playing with mine!

quinn, yeah, my hubby's family is pretty messed up, and the specific situation of his being an only for four years, then sister arriving, seemed to really cause a lot of problems. That's interesting about the opposite perspective of thinking about it/ do it, though.

I think I've mentioned here before that my hubby and I have this coin-tossing test -- we say, OK, heads we do ____, tails we don't, flip the coin, and see what our reaction is. Right now, my heart still sinks if the coin says "have another kid." So it's not going to happen any time too soon, but it's something I think about a lot.

Interesting about the 4 year age difference being seen as the problem for your husband, Sozobe. When i was studying developmental psych, we were always told to advise people to have their children no closer together than 5 years, due to the possible negative psychological and intellectual development implications of having them closer together. Jeanne de Seattle's 3 daughter's are each about 10 years apart - that seems to have worked out marvellously well for them. My dad and his brother were 9 years apart in age - great friends pretty much forever. My mother is one of 7 girls - the first 3 about a year apart each, then a 5 year gap, then 2 a year apart, then a 3 year gap, then 2 more close together. In that case, the sets of sisters born close together are buddies.

No guarantees.

Should I Have Another Kid?
Hi Sozobe,

Probably should explain the 7 year wait for new pregnancy. My Daughters
father was killed when she was 3 years old, and I waited a few years to remarry ~ or wouldn't probably gotten pregnant when my daughter was younger. Worked out quite well though. My daughter was just starting school when my son was born, she feeling quite the "big sister"

ehBeth- I am 5 1/2 years older than my brother, and we resented and hated each other as kids. I can see the advantage to a 9-10 years difference. At that point the elder sibling sometimes with take on a role in loco parentis.

It is very hard being a princess that is usurped off your throne after nearly 6 years!

I'm the oldest of six ... 3 closely spaced, a gap of over a decade, then 3 more in relatively close succession (I have no idea what possessed my folks to do such a thing). While July 20th to some is remembered in context of The Moon Landing, it forever will be for me the anniversary of the end of my term as center of parental attention, I eventually came to terms with the reality of an expanding, if still egocentric, universe. There were squabbles and differences of course, and new ones crop up from time to time, but overall, we're a pretty close family. I'm not sure if that is despite or because we are spread all over the country.

Just another thought; The first kid is a thing of monumental importance and hovering concern. By the time the fourth or fifth one rolls around, its "Dammit, if you're going to eat out of the dog's dish, at least wait 'til he's done"


timber

Stradee, how very sad.

With my hubby, I'm not at all sure that the 4 years in and of itself was the problem. He's really smart -- he skipped a coupla grades in school, is a theoretical astrophysicist now -- and would probably be called "high needs" or a "spirited child" these days. The sozlet is generally a little sweetie, but it takes a lot of energy to keep her that way. (I'm currently typing with one hand, warding off a little giggly self-proclaimed "Elmo" with the other, who is trying to "lickle" me.)

The literature I've read on the subject is contradictory, but the overall suggestion seems to be that 3 years is best -- the older child gets three years of one-on-one time, but is more flexible than later in terms of accepting a new kid into the family.



Hee hee hee hee...! (btw, sozlet LOVES your avatar, timber.)