Should I have another kid?

I'm glad I got you out of your neverendingcircleofthought, even if it only presented you with a new one! And yes, I can relate to how you'd feel about losing sozlet, I'd feel exactly the same way. But there would, undeniably, be a certain consolation in knowing that I still had another child who needed me. I don't think I'd be as likely to feel that I'd "wasted" or "lost" all those years of parenting. I know, that's a bad way to put it, but it's late and my writing skills have been very nearly exhausted today.

Oh, and yes, the second time around (so I hear) all mothers are much less excitable. A friend once told me she could tell the first-time mothers at the playground because when their children's pacifiers dropped on the ground, they grabbed them and put them in the diaper bag or their pocket. Mothers with more than one child just wiped off most of the dirt and plopped them back in the kids' mouths. You know what? I watched one day, and she was right.

Hee hee! I've noticed that.

It was one benefit to spending so much time with our neighbors who had two kids. The dad was quite laissez-faire, and observing that -- and the lack of horrible consequences -- helped me relax, too.

Had a good talk with E.G. last night. He accused me of having amnesia. :-) He reminded me of all kinds of specifics of having a baby, how difficult it was, how our lives are finally getting back to normal. His perspective is that we, as adults, can make the decision that OK, this will be tough but it's temporary and we'll get through that, but sozlet won't be able to and it's not fair to her. (As noted earlier in the thread, his sister was born when he was four and he never really got over it -- not something he said during the conversation, but something I thought of while writing that.)

My reaction to that is if I was really sure I wanted another baby and felt strongly about that, I'd make it work, period. But that core has to be there to get through the rest of it, and that core isn't there right now.

One thing I realized after the talk is that I have pretty much decided I don't want to have another one, but want to make sure I put the maximum amount of thought into that decision. We're going to regret it, we know that, and so I want to be able to look back from that point to now and say, "but we thoroughly examined the situation from every angle and still decided against it." I don't want to look back and say, "well, maybe we could've..." I want to think it through now.

By the way, I'm interested in the perspective not only of people who have kids but people who were kids -- what you think about having siblings, being an only child, etc.

Being an only child was all right, but I always wanted a sibling. Always.

bbbbbut...

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=59436#59436

I know. I've been remembering more about those sugar cubes I used to put on the window sills to try and get a brother or sister.

I still don't envy the fighting part, but I envy the being there in bad times.

Maybe I've been seeing some happier siblings in the last while that are bringing some of those memories of wanting wanting wanting back?

Hmm.

I was both too, relief and regret. Mostly though I'm happy with it -- I certainly don't hold it against my parents, for example (and there are other things that I do! ;-))

What I've noticed in myself in the past coupla months is a lot of feeling sorry for little kids that are onlies.

Weird.

I certainly had a good experience as an only child small person - it's the being an only adult child that doesn't seem to be sitting easily on me right now.

That sent me back to bluhbluhbluh again, but then I remembered that my husband has three siblings and has zero relationship with two and a bad relationship with one. As you said earlier, no guarantees.

What about friends etc.? And do you have a close relationship with any cousins?

I have a cousin who I was very close to growing up (even though we only saw each other ~once a year, if that), and we're reconnecting now (she recently had a baby) and it's been fantastic. I'm really glad to have her. She's another only child, we've always considered each other "sisters".

Sozlet has a girl cousin who is two years older and a boy cousin one year younger, I'm hoping I can foster a good relationship with them so she has at least that constant.

Oh and my cousin's baby, too. He's ~3.5 years younger.

I have no family in North America other than hamburger and mrs. hamburger.

I have great friends - some I've known for 30+ years - some have great relationships with siblings, others bad relationships or none at all with sibs. Probably more with bad than good - but the ones that are good, are spectacularly envy-makingly good. The good ones seem to have been in my line of sight lately. Especially my best friend from back home - she's one of six extraordinarily tight-knit siblings - her husband is one of three (one great sib relationship/one distant). I wouldn't want her life (she lives on a farm for pete's sake), but the relationship with her sibs is spine-tinglingly good - and her kids are soooooo tight (girl 14, boy 10).

and ya know, i wasn't going to post about how i've been feeling about it lately (since I'd been here before), but ya had to go and ask :wink:

Yeah go for it, and have fun while trying

Well, I am the youngest out of 7. We always said that the best thing our parents did for us was to have so many of us. This is because they were not very good parents, and having 7 of us helped dilute the awfulness. We are all close except for one brother -- poor guy got the heaviest does of my mother.

But you are obviously a very good parent and I assum EG is too. If you are close enough to your cousin that sozlet could have a relationship with him, that could do it. Little boys love big girls! My son has two older female cousins who he adores and feels they are like older sisters. They love him too. It's something I like to see when they interact.

I'm an only, was always pretty much fine with it, as a child. It was hard though when my dad died (lots of difficulty there) in my twenties and mom got alzheimer's right about then, which lasted an unfortunate long time. I did have close cousins and friends, though, and got through it all.

As an older adult, my cousins feel like sisters, and my friends are still (most of them) friends.

I'm the fourth of four, all four years apart: girl, boy, girl, girl. My mother was 40 years old when I was born. Growing up none of us had anything in common with any of the others. I was considered the tag along by my older siblings because my mother made them take me with them when they went to the movies, etc. They resented it, and therefore they resented me. As adults we maintain casual civility but none of us have ever been close.

Like you I waited to have children. I was established professionally and felt I was ready to be a mother. Never, in my wildest imagination, did I expect to want to stay home with my child but that's exactly what happened. I went from a corporate ladder climber to a stay-at-home mom at the age of 34. I went back to work after a 10 week maternity leave but resigned 3 months later.

My second daughter was born 21 months after the first. Because they were so close in age and I was older and less energetic I admit that the second one tired me out. Not because of her actions, but because I had a toddler and a newborn and I was 36.

My closest friend is an only. To my knowledge she never wished for siblings. Her mother is also an only. As their extended families are aging it is falling on her and her mother to help all of their aging relatives cope with medical issues, nursing home care and eventual estate settling. I've recently heard her say that for the first time in her life she wishes she had a larger family.

I'm really loving all of these perspectives, thanks everyone.

How old are your kids now, J_B?

I'm thinking more and more that if I were ever to have two, close together would have been the way to go. (5 years apart is currently the earliest possible, and that's quite unlikely.)

J_B, I'm not sure how since it's not directly related but your post reminded me of another thought I'd had about my husband's family. (I call him E.G. here, for Evil Genius. :-)) I don't know for a fact, but from stray comments I have the strong impression that my M-I-L (E.G.'s mother) didn't want to have more than one kid but felt that she should, for a variety of reasons. She's a devout Catholic, and I think she felt it was sort of her wifely duty and also motherly duty, to E.G., to give him siblings.

Thing is, I think that the fact that she didn't actually want another kid bled through in all sorts of ways. I think she kind of expected the second child to justify her existence, to be this perfect kid and perfect sister, and she really, really wasn't. She (M-I-L) expected that E.G. would be grateful to have a sister and he really, really wasn't. So she did this thing for other people, rather than out of her own desires, and those other people didn't cooperate. I mean, my S-I-L probably prefers to exist than not, but the two of them (M-I-L and S-I-L) have a jaw-droppingly awful relationship. S-I-L and hubby have a bad relationship, too -- he was horrible to her as a kid and carries a lot of guilt about that.

-sigh-

Not really sure if that is here or there, just another piece of the puzzle.

some good points there.

I made certain resolutions when deciding on second child

first child would not be expected to be unpaid childminder, would not have to include younger child in games with her friends (I had friends when I was young who had to bring along younger siblings - uuuggh!). If she wanted to then that was fine (and she often did) - and vice versa.

Youngest child would not be given equalising treats when eldest was sent on school trips etc - these would be offered to her when she reached the same age and she'd have to learn that life wasn't about equality this minute but equality over time.

Decision to have second child was our responsibility and no automatic sisterly love was demanded - but did happen


When A came to see C in hospital for the first time she was adorable - she kept stroking her head very gently and saying over and over 'Mummy she's beautiful' and meaning it. A silly starchy nurse marched by throwing over her shoulder 'don't touch the baby' after all my hard work to prevent jealousy - I told her 'she's YOUR sister and you can stroke her if you want'

My girls are now 14.5 and almost 13. They have their moments but for the most part do very well together. Much better than any of my siblings ever did.



I don't think there is any magic spread. It really depends on the kids, the parents and the ability to feel loved for who you are.



Well, I know for a fact that all three of us girls were a major surprise to my parents. My father was told that due to an illness he'd had as a child he would never be able to have children. When my parents married they both thought they would remain childless. Imagine their shock when my mother became pregnant 2 months later. They had their first child 11 months after the wedding. They subsequently decided that oldest sis should probably have a sibling and proceeded to 'try' for one this time. It took over two years for the second 'hit' and my brother was born almost exactly 4 years after the first. M&D thought they were done but my sister came along 4 years later and I was the shock of all shockers 4 years after that.

Having said all that I had a fabulous relationship with my mother. She was going through some heavy emotional issues after my birth and she told me that needing to stay sane for the sake of her baby was what got her through those years. I think my next oldest sister resented me for transplanting her as the youngest as well as for all the attentions I r'cd from my mother. Money was extremely tight when I was small and because there were four of us things had to get stretched pretty thin. As my older siblings grew up and moved on (and out) the dollars didn't need to stretch so far so I was perceived as being spoiled because I 'got everything I ever wanted' and they'd had to go without. Some negative emotions die hard and my sibs still bring up the same old stuff whenever we're together.

I think you should consider having a second child if you want to be the parent of a second child for what that experience would bring to YOU. There are many things you can do right, or not-so-right, from your d's perspective but I don't think you should get her a sibling. Get her a dog or a cat, but have yourself another child if that's what you want. (I just reread the last thought... I'm not trying to sound negative, I hope it doesn't read that way).

Well-put, J_B, that's pretty much what I've been getting at. I know that at 8 pages this whole thread is a lot to read, but part of what I've kept saying is that I don't want to have a kid right now -- I just don't -- but I'm trying to figure out if it is the right thing to do and to push through my worries/ reasons for not wanting another one.

This line of thinking is leading me back to, I have to WANT one or it's bad news.

I do still think that it's possible that at some point this neverending discussion (with myself, if not with others) will lead to me WANTING another one, but I'm not there yet.

Swimpy said something so cool last year (or the year before!), about, sure, I'll probably have regrets -- but would I rather regret not having a child or regret having one?