I guess my thinking with the DSM-1V is that if you could determine your daughter's basic type, then you could address her unspoken concerns. For example, should you be able to determine that she is an avoidant type, one who fears being around people unless assured she or he will be liked, you could, you know, reassure her that you DO like her. For a narcissist, you worship her. For an obsessive-compulsive--she may feel that her well-ordered spotless house just isn't good enough--you could stay at a motel.
Lash Goth is right, though. Mere untrained mortals have a hard time with the DSM-1V--I just used it as a guide since no one was actually opening up in my family--and the link I gave you really isn't very good at all, but you could sniff around the Internet for other sites and maybe get some sort of grip on your daughter's unvoiced hesitation.
It could be something as simple as the fact that since you played the mother role with your grandchild, your daughter is now attempting to assume her rightful place in his life, and finds it difficult to do that with you around him, already satisfying that role.
I'm reminded of when my mom came to stay with me during my child's birth. I assumed she would care for him, and I would be left trying to entertain her.
She ran the household perfectly to allow me and my husband time with our child directly.
What a blessing that was!
Maybe if your visits with her addressed your child's needs and perhaps for a while weren't so focused on her child's needs, things would go better for all.
Just some thoughts.
I hope my Dale Carnegie-type of approach did not offend you. None was intended.
dupre--
I wanted to express to you how valuable I think your contributions are here.
You've provided very helpful info. I know slogging through the DSM-4 can be difficult for the untrained, but I've always thought people with relationship issues (and self-discovery goals) would be well-served in reading over the personality disorders. First, other's foibles jump out at us---but, we also almost always see ourselves, as well.
Appreciate your views here.
Lash Goth: Thank you for your kind words.
I'm sure I don't see my own self clearly, but I think I can see myself at ten years ago.
Today's coping strategies will probably be clear to me ten years from now.
That means you're growing and learning dupre!
"OH, if I only knew yesterday what I know today."
And, I'll be singing that familiar song into my eighties, for sure!
Lash Goth: Have you considered writing a book with that perspective? With your background and the popularity of that type of work, editors would take your submission seriously and you'd probably make some money with it.
There's a book, "Dealing with People You Can't Stand" that goes through ten types of behavior most of us find offensive and sets up dramatic dialogue in a work environment. . . . Probably simpler than getting into the whole family scene, but the priniciples would work with friends and family, too.
I'd keep it simple and the level of diction at around a 10th grade level.
You'd just need a structure and a slant, and I bet the thing would practically write itself.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU - A MIRACLE HAPPENED!
My eldest daughter and I had a telephone conversation
about 2 nights ago - where once again she got angry with
me and hung up the phone.
I gave her some time to simmer down and think things
over... and then I called to talk with her again. And I
actually found the PRESENCE OF MIND to ask her a
very simple question. I asked her "could it be possible
that - in the future- when I am yanking your chain, or
aggravating the crap out of you - or just being the worry
wart mothering type that I tend to be - THAT YOU COULD
JUST SAY: " MOM- YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"
Period. And you know what? She said yes, she could
sure manage to do that. And I assured her that if she
says that to me - then I will know what it is that I do
that drives HER bonkers, so I can make my best
effort to discontinue treating her in a certain way - or
interfering in her life - or saying things that she thinks
put her down - or discount her abilities (none of these do
I INTEND to do, though I will readily admit that there
may be plenty of things that I say which could easily be
considered as evidence that I don't have any faith in
HER abilities)
So ... after posting this - and after so much talking
about it both here and with my friends - I think that I
finally managed to say something in the right way, or
at least something that SHE could understand. NOW
- we have an agreement, and it looks like a really
easy one to keep from my end - nor does it ask alot
from her - other than to remember instead of getting
angry and throwing a fit - just TELL ME!
All my hopes and prayers that my oldest daughter and
I would one day be able to have a relationship that was
not fraught with danger here, there and everywhere -
where I end up walking on eggshells because I don't get
what she means or wants - where we can't seem to get
far enough past anger to communicate .... it looks like
WE MAY WELL HAVE FOUND OURSELVES A SOLUTION!!
We are going to be visiting with her at the end of this
month & I am excited to see what changes this will bring
about between the 2 of us. Thanks so much, for all your
help and input... I know there are no easy ways to go, and
there is still work to do - but I can see a light at the end
of THIS tunnel - FINALLY!
Babs, isn't it true that so many times the solution to a problem can be something as simple as asking a question. I hope you and your daughter end up with the relationship you've always wanted to have with her.
It sounds like a terrific approach. I'm so happy for you both.
Mothers and adult daughters
Hi Babs, read all these 11 pages of a very interesting thread. It must be uncomfortable with your oldest daughter. But, I can't help but say that this lady grew up knowing more about her mom's problems than her own life. That you became superwoman was probably confusing to her, being she knew you when you were desperately searching for simply a way to survive. To say nothing of "surviving" meant being away working, taking classes to better yourself and make more money. All for them.
Is there some way you can gracefully say, to her, that you KNOW she is probably going through something similar and that she will survive. She WILL because you did. If YOU did then anyone can. She wants to be independent.
Oh geeez, I wish I could recall the name of the movie that is exactly your story, with Sally Fields. Daughters don't want their mom's "help" because they have to learn how to do these things too. God, I will think of this movie and let you know. It's extreme, but then if it weren't it wouldn't make a great movie.
Me, why am I speaking at all? Our mom died of cancer, me youngest, when I was 4 and dear dad placed us in a children's home. The place was great and I relate with the people there over my parents. Actually, I overcame all these issues long ago in many different ways and have talked about it, wrote about it so much that it's just simply out of my mind and skin. My sister and I don't speak much but she insists on remaining the boss and the mother and, so, let her be that all by herself.
Good luck to you and your daughter, since that phone conversation. She KNOWS that you know what to do better than her, but she will learn on her own as you did.
Regards, Tex
Babs, I'm so happy for you!
It just goes to show you anything is possible when two, intelligent people want to make the seemingly impossible, possible!
{{{ Babs }}}
Tex-Star: Bless your heart! You have the right idea about your sister. As a matter of fact, my older sister insists "she raised all six of us" ... huh? Hello???
Misti26 wrote:
However, my youngest daughter always said, "I'm not going to let my children near you" ... kiddingly of course. But, she moved to Virginia when her daughter was 2 weeks old, and is now in N. C., having her 2nd baby in March.
Many a true word is said in jest, and I firmly believe she uses her children to punish me for, WHATEVAH! Breathing, maybe?
Your youngest sounds like my eldest (29), who was born thinking the world revolves around her and my sole purpose in life is to be at her beck and call. I have a good relationship with my son but my daughter is a total nightmare.
welcome tearing. I'm glad you resurrected this interesting thread.
I think relationships with children ebb and flow as life does. We fail to allow our children the space they need to grow, even tho' we want them to become independent and self-serving human beings.
I love both my daughters, they are as different as day and night! They love each other, and I pray to God that continues throughout their lives.
I get so frustrated when they don't see what they are doing to themselves ... I want to zap them with their own self-effacing ways ... they don't see it. I want to rant and rave at "didn't you see what I did wrong?" "Didn't you learn from it?" Don't you KNOW my heart is breaking for you and for the mistakes you're making?
No, you must learn all by yourself ... because you think I'm inadequate as a parent, you won't listen to me... because you don't remember me holding you for hours on end as a newborn, staring at you and in awe of your beauty, you have no idea how I LOVED holding you, I loved that I gave you life and you enjoyed so much laying in my arms, so dependent on me and so secure. You were my life, you were my hope and my dreams. I will never forget those moments, never!!!
I am letting you go, I am giving you up to the Lord, to life, to whatever your life has in store for you, as long as you're happy. I have released you, and all the ties that bind.
I love you, I want all that's good to be yours, unconditionally.
God bless you.
