Need Advice - Having an Affair

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I have been married for 17 years and have two children. I have recently started having an affair with my doctor. I feel a lot of guilt but also feel like a prisoner and can't stop seeing him because of the excitement it brings into my life which I am lacking at home. Do others feel this way? I also feel like an emotional roller coaster and keeping asking myself why I am putting myself through this. The last time we were together, I asked him if he had told anyone about us and he said no and then asked if I had shared with anyone and I told him that I shared it with my sister who I am very close to and she is very good at keeping secrets. Now I am freaking out that I told him this and wondering if I should have lied. I wish I never would have asked the question. Is there anything wrong with admitting that I shared with someone close or do you think this will turn him off. I feel that I am probably overreacting but would really appreciate some advice.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 7 • Views: 3,931 • Replies: 7

[+5] - jespah - 02/18/2014Calm down. You are all over the place. First you feel trapped. Then you feel paranoid that you shouldn't have said something to your sister. And your concerns seem to be only for your affair...

@Bonnie12,

Calm down. You are all over the place.

First you feel trapped. Then you feel paranoid that you shouldn't have said something to your sister. And your concerns seem to be only for your affair partner, and not for your husband or your kids, or even for your sister, who you are essentially asking to lie for you (or at least lie by omission, if your husband ever asks her if there is something going on).

BTW, your doctor can lose his license for this kind of crap.

Get thee to counseling. YESTERDAY. And not a referral from this doctor; ask someone in his practice for a referral, or ask a friend if you must. And find out what your next steps are. What you are missing (for real, and not just excitement) in your life, that you feel your husband can't fulfill. Figure out whether you want to leave, or to work on things. And also figure out what to do when your husband and kids find out.

I said when, not if. 'Cause they will.

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@jespah,

Yes you are right I am all over the place. As I said, I am an emotional rollercoaster right now.

I hear where you are coming from and I know what I am doing is wrong but it is hard.

I am going to counselling to help me get stronger so I can stop this ridiculousness.

For now though, I am not looking to get my wrist slapped, I am looking for advice on my dilemma which is why I submitted this post.

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@Bonnie12,

My advice for your dilemma. Get a new doctor who will have decent ethics and not begin sleeping with his patients. Either work to make your marriage better or end the marriage. Simple. And why would you want to be with someone who is willing to destroy your family? Do you think the doctor will be there to catch you if your marriage falls apart? And if he is, how in the name of sense can you trust him to not begin sleeping with someone else?

Look at it this way. If your doctor has no qualms sleeping with you, who says he isn't sleeping with others? Personally, I have no respect for anyone who sleeps around on a spouse. Take responsibility to work on the marriage or end it. Then sleep with anyone and everyone you wish. At least that way your husband and kids can get on with their lives.

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@Bonnie12,

I don't think you did anything wrong. I've been married for 18 yrs to an incredibly abusive man. 2 yrs ago a friend of his approached me and told me I deserve better. He and I have been in a non sexual relationship since. I am ready to take it to the next level. I told my best friend when he approached me 2 yrs ago. She was killed in a car accident 4 months ago but she never told anyone. We all hang around together. He actually told 2 friends of his. One of them is my husband's nephew. He gave me his blessing because he knows how badly my husband treats me. In your situation he is a doctor so I can understand if he got nervous about it. He has a reputation with the public but as long as you know your sister won't tell anyone than you have every right to share it with her. I wish I had my best friend back so that I could share my relationship with her and get the advice she always had when I was in doubt.

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@gh3,

why are you in an abusive relationship to begin with? 18 years? come on.

You should've divorced and explained to your children (assuming thats why you stayed ) why you had to. Your children would understand eventually, provided you aren't exaggerating things and twisting things. Otherwise your children will just view you as the mom who ruined things.

My mom and dad split, and I know why. I don't hate any of them for it. My dad isn't the best with his words and my mom can't take some of things he says, so I understand that. There's no sense growing up in a house hold with screaming and fighting.

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@Bonnie12,

Emotional roller coasters of this type often coincide with a dramatic drop in self esteem. There are few things more destructive to a persons happiness than loss of self esteem...people in this situation tend to mistake pleasure for happiness (where pleasure is meant to enhance happiness). Is this situation you? If so, start learning to build your self esteem.

Also, have you told your husband what you are feeling? In terms of lack of excitement, and boredom. And when was the last time he made you feel like a woman?

I have two thoughts to offer that should be obvious but are so often overlooked by those in relationships:
- we put time into those things that are important to us (no matter how busy or tired)
- we put thought and effort into those things that are important to us (no matter how busy or tired we are)

Nothing kills desire like feeling unimportant to the other person.

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@Bonnie12,

It's amazing to see all these judgy people on here. No one is perfect. @Bonnie12 you're over thinking it. I'm sure he didn't read too much into it. Enjoy it while it lasts and then move on with your life. My only curiosity is, did it help or hinder your marriage or nothing at all?

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Need Advice - Having an Affair

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