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Sat 1 Feb, 2014 10:39 pm
I have been having an affair for 7 months now. It's tricky cuz the guy I've been seeing is an ex bf. Actually he is the first guy I ever had sex with 19 yrs ago. We met back up on FB and the passion we had back then is so much more intense now. I am on my 2nd marriage and we were at a really bad point. He moved out and got his own apt over 2 1/2 yrs ago but right before we started talking again him and his wife said they were going to work on things and he still lives in his own apt. In the beginning I truly believed he was going to leave her and be w/ me but there have been 2 diff times his wife almost found out about us and he told her nothing was going on and that killed me. To me if he really wanted to end things w/ her that was his way out so the fact he didn't tell her the truth made me feel like an idiot. The only reason I have stuck around is cuz when they first split up he started seeing someone else and when his wife found out she freaked and started harrassing the girl and wouldn't let him see his daughter and made his life hell. He finally said if I get back with u will you stop all this so he and the girl he was seeing broke it off and went to counseling w/ his wife. Right after that I found him on FB and we started talking and that led to sex. I have been honest w/ my husband and he knows everything and he even moved out for a little while but is back now. He knows I still talk to him but said if he finds out I am having sex w/ him will leave me. I finally got up the nerve to say that maybe we should stop the sex hoping somehow we could slowly be friends since we've known each other over 20 yrs but he gets pissy and says fine your right I will leave you alone and then I almost had a panic attack thinking I would never see him or hear from him again. Of course he says he loves me and wishes we could be together but that he is too scared to go through hell w/ his wife again but I have told him I would be there for him no matter what she put him through so the fact he still clings to his marriage lets me know he is just using me. In the beginning we both used each other cuz it is the most amazing sex I ever had but now I have told him I love him and either we are going to be together or end things but then I chicken out and if he emails or shows up I give in and have sex. I know if someone told me this same story I would tell them they are an idiot and should forget him and if it was some random guy I just met I think I could but the fact I had given my virginity to him so long ago and had thought we would be together forever and then all we've been through the past 7 months as well has made it hard emotionally. It's hard to let go of the passion we have knowing we don't have that same passion w/ our spouses. I do love my husband but he gets fired all the time and I have to pay all the bills and take care of our boys and I resent him even though he loves me and is a good guy in other ways. The fact he doesn't hate me after I cheated shows he loves me but I feel guilty when we have sex and I think of my ex instead and wish I was with him instead. Any advice or stories of people who have gone through the same thing are greatly appreciated.
Quote:Rachel said: I feel guilty when we have sex and I think of my ex instead and wish I was with him instead
Well just shut your eyes and pretend it's him, or George Clooney, or Johnny Depp, or Al Pacino, or Bruce Willis
@Romeo Fabulini,
Lol. Wouldn't you feel bad if the person your having sex with was thinking of someone else? is it ok to do that??
@rachel5272,
Well, I would prefer she weren't munching on a bowl of pop corn.
@roger,
I honestly have never done that. So do guys really not care as long as we are just having sex with them. If i knew a guy was thinking about another girl I think I would be upset.
@rachel5272,
Sure, but how's he going to know? Surely you don't call him by the wrong name.
@rachel5272,
Rachel - you really do need to tell your husband everything.
He needs to get on with his life, too, you know.
Why anyone would leave their current lover for the one they are cheating with is beyond me. You are essentially consenting a cheating relationship, which is what your relationship is based on after all. How can you trust him not to cheat on YOU? You seem to understand he is using you but you still want him? That makes no sense to me.
End the affair. This guy is a dirtbag. Let your husband know. Maybe he'll take you back. Maybe not. But what you are doing is abhorrent and cowardly. You can't have both. If you don't love your husband, leave him. Give him a chance to be happy and be with someone who doesn't want someone else.
@PUNKEY,
I have told him. I think too much actually. I would have left me for sure but I think why he stays is cuz over the years I have caught him in many lies and he actually told me he was glad I did what I did because now he feels like I am not too good for him. I really was the perfect wife and stood by him while he got fired over and over. I didn't know he had stopped paying our mortgage and I had just had my 2nd son when a guy came to the house and said we were in foreclosure and my husband swore he had no clue why. He lied about alot of things. I found all the foreclosure letters in his car along with bad checks he had written and almost got arrested for and I have begged him to leave me so many times. We have had horrible fights and when my ex came along I think I thought if my husband knew I cheated he would leave me for sure but he said I forgive you and understand why you did it. He would actually let me leave to go see him so in my mind in the beginning I was like does my husband even love me or just need me to keep taking care of him since he has nowhere to go. Actually going through this has made me closer with my husband and he said knowing he could lose me makes me want to be a better person but he just got fired again a couple weeks ago. he starts a new crappy job today so I'm scared if I decide to stay with my husband I will stay in this cycle of always being broke and having to take care of him and my 2 boys and its draining. I think when I am with my ex it lets me forget my real life for a while and I know its selfish to do.
@Bella Dea,
I know what you are saying. I have though that a hundred times. Like I just said in my other reply I have asked my husband to leave me and he chose to stay. I told him he deserved to be with someone who loves him more than anything in the world. When we first got together I did really love him but when you can't respect your husband when he gets fired over and over and lies about everything from writing bad checks to not paying bills and letting our house go into foreclosure I started resenting him and actually hate him. I have asked him to leave me so many times and he would cry and beg to stay and say he would change. I have seen him grow more these past 7 months than the past 10 yrs since he knew I actually meant i would end things this time. I also used to judge other people and say how could anyone cheat or lie and stuff but all my husband has gone through has just made me so bitter. I used to tell my husband I think I would have rather him cheated on me then all he put me through instead. I think in some ways I might have cheated to get back at him for everything if that makes sense I just never thought I'd fall back in love w/ ex at the same time.
@rachel5272,
rachel5272 wrote:
Lol. Wouldn't you feel bad if the person your having sex with was thinking of someone else? is it ok to do that??
How the hell would they know unless you told them.
What I think about during sex is no one's business but my own.
@chai2,
Thank you. That makes me feel better. I am trying to get my ex out of my head and I am hoping in time that will happen.
Wait, now you say you hate your husband? If he's such a pos, why are you still with him?
Sounds to me like you don't want to leave your husband because you know your lover will not leave his wife and you don't want to be alone.
@Bella Dea,
I don't hate my husband now but at the time I started the affair yes I did. After 10 yrs of him only caring about himself and not me or our 2 boys I just didn't care about him anymore. He has since gone to counseling and was diagnosed as a narcisstic personality so now that he knows I wasn't crazy telling him what he had been doing to me all these years was wrong he has been trying to change. He tried to blame himself for me having an affair and I told him that it was both our faults cuz maybe if I had just left him earlier he would have tried to get help earlier before I even did anything to hurt him. And yes I am pretty sure my lover will never divorce his wife since he has the perfect arrangement where they have been separated for 2 1/2 yrs and he has his own apartment but yet they are "working" on things. Now that I haven't talked to him for a while it's been easier for me to see that me & my husband have to both forgive each other for everything and then maybe we have a chance to move on.
@rachel5272,
I think you need counseling. You say your husband has a narcissistic personality but yet your the one cheating among other things. Sounds like you're a narcissist too. There are also children involved which isn't fair to them. How in the world do you have time for this. I hope your narcissistic husband leaves your narcissistic a**. I can not stand cheaters and there are so many of you crazy a**** out there.
@Kathy77,
How about after your house goes into foreclosure cuz your husband hid the fact he stopped paying the mortgage and he doesn't care that you & your 2 kids will have to live on the street, or when your husband gets fired from every job he ever has & you have to pay all the bills with only your paycheck and then find out your husband hides the mail in his car so you don't know that he wrote bad checks to Publix and almost got arrested for it but his dad paid & bailed him out...how about then you try seeing if you are the good wonderful wife by his side who doesn't need someone else to help her get through it. I am glad that you have never made a mistake and did anything wrong. I guess when you die you will be sitting on God's right hand side huh? I used to be like you and judge everyone too and then you know what happened? I realized we are all human and all mistakes and one day you will make a mistake and realize you are no better than any one else
@rachel5272,
I never said I was perfect but I see you are playing the blame game. How about you could have just left him. You justified your cheating ways because of your husbands poor behaviour. Leaving someone is always a choice. You sound like you love drama. I don't judge but I do know right from wrong. People make there own choices and desicions it starts with you.
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