How do I get my husband to grow up and stop being childish?

What, in your heart of hearts, do you want to do about your husband, about your marriage? Do you think there is any hope of a decent future for you both, or is it impossible to see any light ahead at the end of the tunnel of unhappiness that seems to have been your life with him - or without him, for a lot of the time.

You don't have to make a decision, of course - you can just carry on as you are. But he seems to want a Stepford wife, and from the sound of it, that's the last thing you want to be. He's manipulative and controlling with his silence - does he expect you to capitulate - give in to his wishes and give up the idea of voluntary work completely? It sounds like that.

A lot depends on the ages of your children. What sort of age group do they fall into? If they are teenagers, then they must have a good idea of what's going on and how unhappy you are.

Talking it out might help - nobody here will be judgemental or try to dictate a course of action for you.

I look forward to hearing back from you. Hope your shoulder feels better.

Thank you!

There could be some hope for us if he would just leave me alone and let me be myself. I've learned over the years what to tell him and what not to tell him knowing full well that he could find a fault in something. At times I do feel like I am walking on eggshells.

I don't know at this point in time whether there is a future for us. It actually doesn't look good. Still haven't heard from him. My years with him haven't been what I would want from my marriage. I've had to deal with alot of stuff over the years. I guess I've been coping with him while looking after my children.

I don't know what he expects because he is giving me the silence treatment.
I am not looking forward to the confrontation, it will be horrible. He has no idea what has been happening in our lives the past seven weeks and he isn't making an attempt to find out.

To answer your question, my children are 11 and 13. The 13 year old is asking alot of questions as to why their dad isn't calling or picking up the phone. They are starting to see what he is really like.

This seems to me like desertion...maybe not the legal definition as there is still financial support...but I'm not a lawyer, either.

Stop being a victim here and stop trying to figure out when he's coming home and how to avoid setting him off.

Your children deserve better and so do you.

Have you gone for any counselling on your own?

If not, will you?

Nobody should have to live like that - it is so very wrong! It is desperately sad that you went into this marriage with so many hopes and dreams, only to finish up, as you say, 'walking on eggshells' so that he won't find fault with what you say or do.

It doesn't sound as if you think there is much future for you. I can only proffer my own advice, and that would be to make plans to get out of it as soon as possible. You are still young enough to make a new life - grab the chance while you can. While the children are still relatively unscathed by their father's behaviour.

The problem isn't going to go away - by getting it out into the open you might have opened up a Pandora's box! It might be wise to seek counselling - if the confrontation will be as unpleasant as you think it might be, then perhaps a third party would help to defuse the situation.

I did once but it was a while back (just myself). I might look into it again.

I don't think a third party would be a good idea. He wouldn't be pleased about that. I imagine the confrontation will be alot of arguing and him saying alot of hurtful things to me so it won't be nice. Not looking forward to it actually. If only so much time hadn't passed, it maybe wouldn't be so bad.

I don't get why you are staying. (Well, of course I do, but still.) I know your children need support. Support is more than money and he would owe it anyway, I think. I also think the present situation if very much not good for them, while you cling on to it and look likely to continue that. It's a set up for making children blankets to people who don't respect them in the future.

I'll jump from that you need to see a counselor yourself to that you need to talk to an attorney. Not to jump into divorce, but to get information. See both.
Review takes on what is going on.

I don't think his mother gave much love. He came from a big family. His mother was so busy looking after children and taking care of the house, I think the love part was forgotten about it. His father doesn't show much respect for his own wife and in my eyes doesn't treat her like a proper wife. I think that is where he gets it from. Although not all his brothers are like that. Its weird how it only affects some children in the same household.

I can't speak to his mother about this because she is suffering from Alzheimer's. When she was of her right mind, I couldn't really speak to her anyway because she could never give advice. I don't think she knew what to say. I also think she did what she was told and didn't stand up to her husband.

You titled this thread "How do I get my husband to grow up and stop being childish?"

Stop giving in to his childish behavior. Stop walking on eggshells around this petulant bully, afraid he will throw a temper tantrum. Stop letting him set the tone for your household.

Adults do not throw temper tantrums. Adults do not walk out when they don't get their way. Adults do not leave their children wondering what they might have done to cause their father to leave. Adults put the family's needs ahead of their own feelings. Adults own up to their failings and ask for forgiveness.

So start treating him like an adult. Stop withholding important information from him. His reaction is his responsibility, not yours. If he is not there when decisions need to be made, make them without him. Keep the household as stable and drama-free as possible for the children. And when they ask why Dad left, tell them the truth. Tell them their father is angry about something, and they can ask him. Call him, hand them the phone, and let him explain himself to his children. If he complains to you, refuse to listen to it.

Ask him what he thinks he is teaching his children by his behavior...that it is OK to run away when they get mad?...that they are not responsible for their behavior when they're angry -- they can always blame someone else?...that it's OK to constantly criticize people they live with?...that it's OK to hurt people's feelings and not apologize? (I could go on.)

The lessons he is teaching his children will come back to haunt him. I guarantee it. Meanwhile, you must be the adult. And that includes treating your husband like an adult, and not letting him get away with ruining your life and the lives of your children.

Good Luck. I mean it.

Ah, communication. The grease in a relationship. Apply before and after.

I don't mean to be critical. Obviously this is not a healthy relationship. People are so selfish. I hate to see this drama played out for the children.


I wish you the best.

Thanks for your input. Everything you said is absolutely right. That is exactly what he is doing. He is definitely not a good role model for his children.

I can guarantee that when the children ask him questions about, why this or why that, he will not give a straight answer, he will avoid it. He does not realize that they are at a age where they are noticing things and asking questions. He got away with it when they were babies, but they know right from wrong now. I'm always telling them that it is wrong to behave this way. Just because your dad does it, it doesn't make it right. They are more mature, honest and sensible than he is, plus they know how to say I'm sorry.

Don't worry. Children have amazing built-in bullshit detectors. They will figure him out soon enough, if they haven't already.

Something tells me Mr. wonderful has returned to his homestead.

Yes....you read my mind

Sounds as if that is what he is used to, a woman shutting up, doing what she is told, un-loved, and he can't give it, as he didn't get it.

Sounds as if you married someone of which was not even compatible with your "type", that being what you want in live, verses what he is capable of giving.

Marriage should be about love, being loved and giving it, knowing each other inside out and compromising for each other but ultimately being yourself and being loved for who you are.. And, then off course togetherness.

You'd be best on your own and then finding that person who you can share your life with. Not that I advocate Divorce I don't, people should try to work things out, but I can't see how you can when someone totally ignores you let alone his own children.

He is far from a Mr Wonderful. But the answer is no, he has not returned home. This weekend will be eight weeks since I have heard from him.

I'm rootin' for ya.