How do I get my husband to grow up and stop being childish?

Rosemary said: "To this day he has never called me back and that was six weeks ago.....What do you recommend I do?"
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Pick up a stud from the religious boards and move in with him.
Are you anywhere near me in Plymouth England? (I've got a spare room)
If you're American, putting the Atlantic between you and your bozo hub would be a smart move..
My place is circled in Plymouth's olde-world cobbled streets area in the middle of this pic

It doesn't make sense at all and that is why I don't understand why he is doing this. He treats me like a child instead of his partner. So frustrasted with all this. When my children try to call him, he'd doesn't pick up either. I think he is avoiding me, but he should talk to them to least.

Yes I am doing okay without him here. He is selfish and childish and can 't communicate. My children are more mature then he is.

You're only spending a very small amount of time together in a year, you are raising the kids pretty much on your own, so obviously you must be able to cope with virtually being a single mum. What are you actually getting from this marriage, besides a whole lot of grief? He is not going to change his behaviour any time soon, he is childish and immature, and worst of all he is taking it out on your children, not just you.

I'm glad that you did the voluntary work, good for you.

Rosemary, I get why some are saying they don't know the whole story, but you have to ask yourself if you want this type of life until one of you dies. He actually is comfortable with his behavior, doesn't intend to change, and is punishing you for something that probably happened in his childhood. Bottom line, if you have been living like this for 22 years, I doubt it will suddenly change. It's time to take care of Rosemary, thats been on the back burner far too long. I was in a dreadful marriage for 4 years, I was just about stripped of self respect, and he used every chance to deny me a compliment or say anything remotely kind. I am 5' 6" and weighed about 110 lbs. I'd ask him if a certain skirt looked ok with a dark sweater, he said the skirt made my ass look big (that's how he would talk to me). He started talking about the stylish short haircuts on the women he worked with, he mentioned it so often I started to think my long hair was dated, so I asked if my style was dated and he cheerfully acknowledged, yes it makes you look matronly, I was 25. I was too young and trusting to believe he would ever tell me something that would make me feel uncomfortable, he was my husband so he loved me and would tell me the truth.

I didn't recognize the systematic way he was breaking me down, plus I truly believed marriage was forever. Like I said, I was young and trusting. One of the worst nights of my life turned out to be my way out, before I realized I needed to get out. We had been to a party with my coworkers, arrived home, paid the sitter and when she left all hell broke out. He was convinced I had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce so so he raged for three hours, tearing the drapes off the wall, broke all the pots of house plants on the kitchen floor, dirt and plants everywhere. I got him calmed down and began to clean up the dirt and plants. Moved the ripped drapes and it was almost dawn. I was exhausted and deeply confused so I walked into the living room and began to lay down on the sofa trying to make sense of all of it. No sooner did my head rest on the sofa, I heard the bolt being pulled back on the M16 he kept (stole) from his time in the military. I sat straight up and looked down the hall and he had it sticking in his mouth outlined by the light beginning in early dawn.

I didn't know what the smart thing would be, but I began down the hall, talking as calmly as possible asking him to put the gun down. He finally slumped over on his side and dropped the weapon on the floor. I hurried in to grab the gun but when I got my hands on it he suddenly got up and grabbed the weapon back. At that point I felt my body get rubbery and I passed out. When I came to, he was dressed and had our baby getting ready to have his hand X-rayed because he broke his hand against those old style plaster walls.

He refused to leave the baby with me, and then it went really nuts. Of all places he decided to go, he went right to my parents. I was sitting in the dining room when the phone rang. It was my mother, and all said was "Janice, what the hell happened there last night?" Don had left to go to the hospital, Mom urged him to leave the baby with her until he could get the cast on. I left the house immediately and never went back to that house again. Well, 3 times to get clothes, crib and eventually move the furniture out, but never ever in the house with him.

Explaining that to my mother made me realize how impossible my situation was. I will say I was frightened about how I would support myself and son, but it worked out. You just have to do it. Your husbands lie he is emotionally abusing you, my husband went off the chats.

All I can really tell you is that if I stayed and tried to work on our problems I would probably dead many years already. The divorce initially did not make me happy, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I managed to live a much more satisfactory life and eventually remarried, that has worked well for us. No games, no punishments, and I doubt your situation will change thru any effort on his part, so make improvements for yourself and children and don't look back.

Sorry about the long story, but I hate to see people strive to please the person who is unappeasable. My recommendation is to lose home before you lose yourself. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Your question was how do you get your husband to grow up and stop being childish. The answer, sadly, seems to be that you won't get him to change. He will probably be like this for the rest of his life.

You haven't mentioned love. Do you feel any love for him at all, or has it been driven out of you by his boorish behaviour? A lot of people hang onto a pointless and unhappy marriage because they say they still love their partner. But true love can't thrive in an atmosphere of total neglect and lack of caring - which seems to sum up your husband's attitude to you.

If you can get out of this marriage now, then do it! You can't go on like this indefinitely. You aren't living, you're existing - and it sounds a pretty unhappy existence. You'd be better off on your own.

Do you have any support - family or friends to whom you could turn? It might get very messy - are you prepared for that?

Maybe he feels that you should clear your "schedule" so you can visit him on those days you can see him. He may resent your being tied down with anything.

Still, this not communicating with the mother of his children is very odd. He really has abandoned the family.

Is he still supporting you financially? What kind of job prevents you and the kids from joining him. Is he on an oil rig or in the military?

I've had airhead ladyfriends and even though the relationship had gone dead in the water, I let it drag on and on in the hope that it'd improve.
Eventually I had to make a decision to end it and it felt bloody good when I did, as if a weight had lifted off me!
Foe example I once ditched a woman on Christmas Eve after a minor tiff, I simply said goodbye and walked out of her house round midnight and walked 3 miles home feeling great!
So my advice to any man (or woman) who's in a stodgy relationship with a loser is to give it time to see if it improves, then if it doesn't, just end it with a nice clean break and you'll feel much better and can get on with the rest of your life..
"If you hang around with losers, you become a loser"- Donald Trump

Since the OP hasn't acknowledged any of the posts urging her to leave this marriage I can conclude she doesn't see this as an option.

So I'll just say one thing and then I'm done

The harm this marriage is causing the kids is incalculable and won't be evident until they mature.

Sometimes the damage done by staying together for the children's sake dwarfs the damage done by leaving for the mother's sake.

You sound like a prince. Using Donald Trumps quote makes me think airhead is your best bet.

Thank you for your reply. Glad someone understands and you are right
about everything you said.

I strongly agree with glitterbag.

Her screen name is sparkly, but she's smart.

Wise.

I didn't mind your long story at all. Sometimes we think we are alone in our situations, when the truth is, there are so many people out there suffering in their marriage. I'm glad you are happy and safe now.

The problem is I know that it is probably time for me to leave him but a part of me still loves him. It doesn't make any sense because over the years, he has really hurt me and treated me in such a manner that it just bewildered me that someone could do that to their loved one. I sometimes wonder does it have anything to do with his upbringing. It seems like when things don't go his way, he plays mind games or tries to punish me. He is very much a tit for tat person which I am not. I biggest fear is that my children will grow up to be just like him. I am trying my best for that not to happen.

Also, I keep thinking of my kids if we were to separate/divorce. I don't want them to blame me for having to go without a father. I just don't want them to suffer.

I just don't know what to do. I can't even get ahold of my husband to even discuss this situation. He avoids my phone calls and text messages. I recently wrote to him when all else failed but still haven't heard from him. It is almost seven weeks now. He hasn't called the children to speak to them because I think he is afraid that I will pick up the phone.

My children are wondering if their father will be with them for Christmas and I can't give them a definite answer. Whenever one of the children texts my husband to see if he is coming home for Christmas, my husband avoids the question altogether. Its like a guessing game.

I'm at my wits end.

I never said leaving my husband wasn't a option. It's a big decision not to be taken lightly.

I didn't go through a baddy divorce, a simple one, and we still talk, decades later, not a big deal (well it was, but only shortly) - but I've read all sorts of stuff about divorce, some of it justified from both sides, some horrible for either side, or a mix of all that.

My view is leave and leave now.

Unfortunately, I have to face the fact that he will never change especially after all these years. I look back now and I should never have married him.

I know that after dealing with all the emotional abuse and hurt, it has made me a stronger person today. I stand my ground now.

I used to care when he was unhappy with me or didn't speak for whatever reason but now I guess I've learned to live with it and just go about my business. It is extremely hard though dealing with this behaviour when you have children in the house. There is alot of tension. If I didn't have kids I probably would have walked away a long time ago.

I just can't believe a man in his early 50's can behave like this. It is so stupid and selfish. Not a good example for his children.

I don't mean to be mean, but look at your legal possibilities.
I think you need to get out.

Rosemary, it's normal to still have feelings about your husband. I wouldn't have married if I thought I didn't love him. And despite the controlling and abusive behaviour I share memories of his good qualities when I talk to my son. His father cut off contact with my son when he was 14, my son has had no contact with him directly for 26 years, it boggles my mind.

You will have mixed feelings, he may promise to be better and we all want things to be better. Your children are already dealing with an absentee father, if his children mean anything to him he will find a way to keep in touch......but he isn't doing that right now. I can't tell you that filing for divorce will make your life wonderful because for awhile you will feel guilty, concerned for your children. Sometimes the children are very helpful, sometimes they want things to back to the way they imagined it should have been. Time marches on, your children may head off for college then a life away from home, so don't be the long suffering wife waiting to start enjoying yourself when bozo suddenly changes, because that will never happen.

It's daunting, it upsets your sense of identity, but you become comfortable with your new way of living faster than you think you can. I was 27 when I left, and I felt like a duck out of water......for awhile. The hard truth is, that's life will not get better until you decide what to do.

Consider the economic realities.

From my little comfy chair here, probably quite a few miles from you, I'm not seeing much difference between being married and divorced, unless you want a boyfriend. But you may find, economically speaking, that it works at least for a while to remain married, assuming that financial support is currently forthcoming.

If it isn't, then get thee to a lawyer. Your kids will need shoes, food, braces, educations, etc. And he needs to be a part of paying for that, whether he wants to stop his tantrum and come home for Christmas this year or not.